It was one year ago today, September 10th 2011, since my brother left this earth so suddenly and so unexpectedly.
Today, I am reliving everything with clarity as though it was just yesterday. I still cannot fathom it. I am still asking the questions that will not have answers during this lifetime, “Why and why him, why now?”
I’m lost without him. There are still days when I want to pick up the phone and talk to him….just to hear his voice. He was the only one in this world who understood me so fully and could make me laugh, even in the face of fear, troubles, pain or death. No matter how bad something felt, he had a way of making me see the lighter side of things. He could make me laugh even when things were bleak and serious.
We grew up close in age. One year and eleven months apart in age, with me being that much older than him. Yet, he became “my big brother” even though I was the eldest.
At one point, it was me, protecting him but, that quickly changed into him, protecting me and never stopped.
We grew up with the same friend group, for the most part, and were included in one another’s lives greatly. We knew each other’s deepest secrets, fears, hopes, dreams and worries. We thought a lot alike.
Our childhood was not one that of a fairytale. There were plenty of struggles but, we managed to get one another through it by being there for one another. He was my rock and I tried to be his. He told me I had succeeded.
There was no time for goodbyes. I was at the hospital but, he was already on a ventilator, comatose, unable to respond. Yet, I told him that I loved him and knew that he somehow heard, somehow knew. Death was not going to be a barrier to that love for love transcends all barriers.
Going back is not possible. This much, I know. However, I do go forward with him in my heart and think about him daily. He is in every part of my house and soul. There isn’t a memory that I have that doesn’t include him in it. There isn’t an inch of my house that doesn’t have something he’s done in it for me. That’s just the physical.
I know that my brother is with me. I cannot “see” him or “hear” him with my physical senses but, I know that he is here with me when I need him to be. I know he hasn’t truly left me.
It’s that knowledge that makes me smile, even through my tears today.
Love knows no barriers.