Cheech And Chong Have Nothing Over My Daughter’s Boyfriend Sadly

Maybe my tastes in people are different.  Perhaps I’m not as tolerant as I should be but, I don’t find a chronic Pothead, attractive in any way and cannot see what it is that my daughter sees in her boyfriend who smokes up from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning until he shuts his eyes at night. He literally lights his life up in smoke like Cheech and Chong.

Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it
Potheads justify their chronic weed use by telling everyone it “cures” everything. Weed, the wonder drug.

It might be just me but, I cannot fathom how it is that she can look at this jerk and see anything in him that she can take forward with her into her future except a major dependent headache.  He’s not a teenager either.  He’s going towards 35 years of age.

Since they first met about 7 years ago, he’s put on about 80 or so pounds or more.  His idea of exercise is walking from the couch to the fridge or having to go to the bathroom and even that might be too much a lot of the time.  His clothes are all far too small for him. His now huge belly sticks out from under his faded psychedelic/rock t-shirts and he cannot do up the top button on his pants. “The Munchies” have taken their toll.  What’s worse is that the guy will not wear new clothes that do fit him or are appropriate to the situation.  I can’t describe the nose-dive my stomach does, seeing him enter a fancy restaurant where everyone else is dressed up and he walks in wearing a worn-out, faded, ill-fitting, rock or psychedelic t-shirt and a pair of dirty or wrinkled, worn-out blue jeans, undone half way down the zipper, hair un-combed, stinking to high heavens, un-shaven, brown teeth, looking like he’d just rolled out of bed and stumbled into the car.

He wreaks of weed and body odour. If you’re unfortunate enough to get seated beside him at a meal and caught in the down-draft in a restaurant or anywhere else for that matter, your eyes would tear up from gagging. I’d be willing to bet that taking a shower or changing his clothes is a low priority, likely coming in behind rolling and lighting his next joint and eating the crumbs he’s dropped for the 17th time in 20 minutes, off of his shirt.  In other words, he lacks the ability to care about himself or anyone else’s feelings for that matter.

His greatest ambition in Life is to pass Level 3 in some video game or to download 200 more Psychedelic Rock songs onto his computer while wondering why it keeps crashing or gets locked up with viruses. He lives his home life, sitting beside a garbage can, situated in front of the couch, likely so that he doesn’t have to move his ample reared and belly to dump his rolled joint clippings and munchie wrappers.

The hint that weed has been smoked...left over wrappers that they won't pick up.
The hint that weed has been smoked…left over wrappers that they won’t pick up.

His snoring is so bad that my daughter regularly has to sleep on the living room couch, which has springs coming through the bottom of the cushions and has been compacted by his fat ass, planted to watch downloaded documentaries on the virtues of marijuana or conspiracy theories.  I think if I hear her say that she’s “so tired” and “didn’t get much sleep” one more time, I’m going to choke her as she complains about not only the couch she has to sleep on but, also the fact that he’s up several times a night to rummage through cupboards looking to eat chocolate and other goodies.  She has complained on many occasions that she has to spend her getting ready for work time the next morning, picking up empty wrappers as well as half drank glasses of iced tea and milk he’s left behind.  All of this is beside a mattress, placed on the floor due to what we can only guess has been taken off of its frame because either he keeps falling out of bed or because he’s put on a lot of weight due to the marijuana munchies.  It doesn’t matter how you look at it.  It’s the weed.

All of that is not to top the apartment he chose for them to live in which is being over-paid-for, falling apart from the ground up, so tiny you could spit from one end to the other (and I wouldn’t put it past him to have done it), furniture that’s second hand or from a damaged goods department of a furniture store and lays in the middle of a wealthier area because he needed to be in the middle of the most expensive part of town due to his champagne tastes on a beer budget.  It’s not cheap to be a Pothead with the cost of it as well as not working fully.

Since she moved out or our home and in with him, she’s gone through all of her substantial savings, works full time at a job she hates but, keeps because he’s gone from a somewhat liveable salary in working for family to one that barely makes ends meet.  It’s only by the grace of his family that he even has a job at all as he smokes up all day long and rarely works a full week or a full day if he makes it to work at all.  We won’t get into the credit card debt that he’s always been in and has wracked up past his earlobes.  I’m sure his weed, his vape pens, weed and hash wax/oils and other crap he seems to need with him at all times to keep his high going cuts a wide swath in his pay every month.  I’m wondering what the 30 bottles of cologne he had stashed everywhere as a cover-up for the weed smell cost him.  I guess he can’t afford those anymore and, while I wish that he’d go back to using it because it at least, somewhat masked his nauseating stench, I’m not having asthma-like attacks from the abundance of it anymore.  My gag reflex has returned with a vengeance though.

The brain cells have eroded and he couldn't even pass a urine test.
The brain cells have eroded and he couldn’t even pass a urine test.

Conversations over dinner tables with him can often turn nasty.  HIs abrasive, obnoxious, opinionated and oftentimes, rude comments leaves the family wondering if our daughter has also become brain dead or whether she has simply acclimated herself so well to his spiels and outbursts that she’s lost track of where he ends and she begins.  There’s no room for shades of grey in his mind, it seems.  There’s only what he considers as blacks and whites which gives zero room for discussion or debate.  He’s right and the rest of the world is wrong.  If he’s not agreed with, he’ll simply smoke another reefer and try to convince my daughter (or whomever else will listen to him) that her brain cells have eroded until she acquiesces or gives up in defeat.  I wonder what they talk about during dinner but, I’m assuming his mouth is rammed so full that there’s no chance for any sort of banter.  Either that or, they eat in front of the single working computer left that he hasn’t crashed, on a coffee table where they watch what he’s downloaded or a link to a streaming site.

While he can extol the virtues of pot usage like he’s memorized a script written by all recreational pot users and tell us why it should be legalized (must be to save postage from his purchases of it over the net as he doesn’t even have enough ambition, energy or drive to go out and purchase it), he’s smacked up a couple of cars his father has paid for through the company and cites road conditions for the bang-ups which include cars having been written off.  We have no idea how he gets away with those excuses when his family all know he’s a stoner and does it all day, including while driving.

No problem with smoking weed....only running out of it becomes an issue.
No problem with smoking weed….only running out of it becomes an issue.

What’s hardest to fathom is why she stays with him when they live in a hand-to-mouth fashion, have no friends (little wonder), can’t afford to do more than hit a few smaller venue rock concerts now and again, no one able to tolerate him, including his own family who has ousted both of them because of his behaviour and, even I have lost patience in hoping she’ll some day wake up and realize that what she’s got right now with him, is the best that he’s going to be able to offer her in every way of both his being and their lives together.  With zero drive or determination to better his lot in life, whatever small urge he has had to make a change in any way, simply goes up in smoke with the next joint.

It’s equally hard to get a grasp on how it is that our daughter, once a beaming, beautiful, well dressed, well kept, intelligent, driven, ambitious woman with a university degree, can stand there and introduce this grade 12 drop-out, dressed like he lives in a gutter, unkempt, un-shaven, tub of hot air, lard-bucket and say, “this is my boyfriend” without wanting to cringe and hide.  Even I choke on the words when forced to introduce him to others as our daughter’s choice in mates and do it as little as possible.  I try to simply use his name, instead.

The most difficult of all is to have watched our daughter not only become someone else over the time she’s been with him….someone we don’t even recognize anymore but, more  key is the idea that she’s not seeing that not only has she, herself gone downhill and let herself slide but, that her entire future looks pretty dismal as well as issue-riddled.  It’s no going to get any better.  If the good foot forward has already been presented as they say, this foot is looking like it’s going to take her off of her feet.  Heaven forbid that there should be a child ever brought into this world by the 2 of them as even taking care of a cat has become too much for him, mentally, emotionally, patience and financially.  Stepping up to the plate to become a parent is just not in his deck of cards.  His next smoke-up is his biggest goal.

Needless to say, our family only tolerates him because it means that she’ll walk on us if we don’t.  She’s done it already for over a year at one point.  This guy knows her weak spots and he preys on them, works with them and manipulates her into his clutches.  He’s good at it and I can see the wheels turning in his brain as he does it.  With no friends, his own family unable to stand him or even tolerate him much, she is his only ally and he’s not about to let her go as long as he can keep reeling her in again.

The latest attempt was when she was close to walking out on him and the relationship.  She gave him an ultimatum to clean up his act, get another job, get their debt paid down and into another decent apartment that had 2 bedrooms where she could actually sleep in a bed versus a broken down couch.  Unwilling to make any changes to his life, he agreed that they needed to get another apartment when he knew that they couldn’t afford first and last month’s rent, let alone another bed for another bedroom.  She came to us for money for it all.  He knew that if they moved, they’d have to sign another year’s lease which would likely keep her as she couldn’t afford to buy out the remainder of that lease as he was working less and less with his salary going down and his father having fired him on several occasions, only to have him talk himself back into an even lower position out of guilt from his father and brother.  We weren’t falling for that one.  She might have but, we weren’t going to be that stupid.

I’d like to say that him smoking up and being lazy is a teenaged, early 20-something thing but, it’s not.  He’s nearing 35 years of age and she’s nearly 33.  It’s doubtful that this is simply a sew-your-oats type of stance at this age. After over 6 years of co-habitating under these conditions, it should have long since run its course but doesn’t seem to be slowing down, going sour or wearing thin.

There’s a lot of information out there on the alleged benefits of marijuana but there’s a lot of downsides to it as well.  While this guy complains bitterly about people who drink alcohol and calls them “mentally ill”, he refuses to see that his pot consumption is little more than an alternate high for him.  It’s not medicinal.  It’s used to escape his own demons and done chronically.  It’s akin to a drinker having to have a drink every few hours.   It’s an escape that is taking not only him down in life but, my daughter with him.

Can I place full blame on him and his weed consumption, exempting my daughter from this? No, I can’t.  She’s as much to blame for letting herself get this far caught up in a lifestyle that’s going nowhere good and, makes her future look like a dismal abyss.  This not how we wanted to see her end up but, this is exactly the way that it’s going.

Yes, he’s a glorious piece of work.  A real beauty to behold and yet…we are stuck with him for the time-being but, my daughter is the biggest loser of all by wasting her life at this precious time where most of her friends have moved forward like adults and she’s still living the Frat Life with a Loser, Pothead.  Sad but, true and, there’s nothing that I can do about it.  It’s a form of an abusive relationship through manipulation and drugs.

If your son or daughter comes home with a stoner…show them the door and let the knob hit them in the ass on the way out.  No get out of jail free card for them or you’ll be walking my tight-rope too.

From my little corner of life…this issue riddled jerk and sorry excuse of a human being is giving marijuana a bad name.  Then, again…isn’t every stoner-Pothead?

PS: If you’re thinking on commenting on this piece and trying to convince me of the alleged uses of marijuana or how it allegedly cures cancer, seizures and other ailments…please don’t.  I’ve heard it all and this entry is NOT meant to be about its medicinal uses.  

Thanks for understanding and saving me the hassle of having to wade through comments that I won’t be publishing if they’re extolling the virtues of marijuana and why or, telling (as most recreational pot users do) me to “do the research”.    

Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

11 thoughts on “Cheech And Chong Have Nothing Over My Daughter’s Boyfriend Sadly

  1. This is a very negative post and I am not familiar with the journey however it is clear that you do not want to see what your daughter sees in her partner. Maybe she listens to him and him her, maybe she understands him on a deeper level.
    There is love for everyone in this world and your daughter is choosing to love this particular individual so maybe you need to ask her why and support her

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ibizagoldgirl. I appreciate your thinking, listening and commenting very much.

      I spent over 8 years, trying to get to know this man. I treated him like he was family. I tried. I really tried to get to know him and like him. What came out of him were INSULTS, fights, separations etc.. We are into our 3rd year of not seeing or hearing from our daughter…thanks to this “love” as you’ve termed it. It’s heart breaking as a parent to have to endure. Oddly enough, they walked out of our lives because….are you ready for this one….we wouldn’t let them do weed (NEVER has been permitted) around our young nephews and in our home. That was it. I was serving cake and coffee and they walked out but, not before insulting my brother and sister-in-law in front of their 3 young boys who were old enough to understand.

      I don’t know if you are a parent or do weed (none of my business of course) but, I will say that *if* this were your child who was with someone like this, would YOU want him to be with YOUR child? Would you believe then that he should be loved by your child, in spite of him having divided and separated YOUR child from her entire family as well as all and I mean ALL of her former friends? Please just think about that for a moment because the answer may surprise you when it hits your family. I found that it did with me.

      As for asking her what she wants and what she wants us to do and why….under the very careful guidance of 3 therapists, I have asked her and she hasn’t been able to give me anything. When asked why she’s not…she can’t answer that one either.

      As for me “not wanting to see what she sees” in him….this is where I have tried and tried and tried to see that and talked to her until I couldn’t talk anymore. It’s not that I don’t WANT to see what she sees in him. I DO! It’s that neither she nor him have presented me with anything that ANYONE can see in him (and, that’s in meeting him, talking to him, spending time with him).

      All of our family and all of her former friends have all said to us that THEY want NOTHING more to do with her or him. He is “obnoxious”, “rude”, “insulting”, “disgusting” and that she has become a clone of him.

      Yes, this is negative. This is how he has presented himself and how she has expressed her feelings about him to us.

      Is it little wonder that I have the opinion that I have of him?

      Would YOU want him as part of YOUR life and family?

      Just asking you to think about those questions.

      Thanks ibizagoldgirl. I appreciate your viewpoint and comment with your opinion. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really feel for you and your family, this is an awful situation. I lost my brother to a family feud and although no drugs or abuse is involved it hurts me to read such things.

        I do not smoke weed and never have although I have been on a cocktail of prescription drugs I may have well been on crack I was so zonked!!

        I met a man at the beginning of my recovery who promised me the world, I loved him and he LISTENED to me. One day He left me and stole from me. My family swallowed it and said nothing just made sure I was ok. A few months later I took him back, he left a few weeks later. A month later I took him back again – my family went mad – I told them I needed to make my own mistakes as I loved him. It took me two years to understand that I was the problem, that I had low self esteem because I thought I wasn’t good enough due to my infertility … I am so grateful to my parents that they respected my wish and let me take him back THREE times as I have learnt my lesson and will NEVER do it again – plus I know my family love and RESPECT me as an adult and the choices I make. I know this probably cannot help you and I send you Love, Happiness & Patience
        I hope it works out well

        Liked by 1 person

        1. ibizagoldgirl, thank you for sharing your story. I feel saddened by what has happened to you through this ugly person who was part of your life though.

          I tend to think that people come into our lives for a certain reason. Sometimes, it’s to teach us lessons that we need to learn. It certainly sounds as though you have learned that lesson and learned it well. I applaud you for your bravery as well as the fact that you did learn that lesson. Equally, I applaud your family for allowing you to learn it. Brava to all of you!

          In my specific case, I let my daughter go with 2 other boyfriends who physically, mentally and verbally abused her and she took it. It angered me to no end but I pretty much kept my mouth shut, stood back, giving advice or opinions when she asked for them, sugared them down to NOT point out her flaws whenever I did. Even with this creep that she’s with now, I bit my tongue, begged both her dad’s family as well as my own, to keep their mouths SHUT and while it was ok for them to speak up when insulted by him (which almost always has happened), they didn’t say anything out of fear that she would walk on us all. Turned out that she did it anyway.

          As for space and time to figure this out for herself, both her dad and I have stayed out of her life’s choices as much as was possible. Unfortunately, she became violent with me, in particular, trying to hit me with a chair and her fist. I stopped both. The rest of the time, I left it up to her (as she asked me to do) as to when she’d call me, how often, when she’d see us, how often and under what circumstances. We even bought her a car to help her out. He smacked that car up too.

          When we finally had to say “no” to the weed smoking in front of our nephews and around our home, that’s when things went sour. That’s when she walked out. Sadly, she’s never re-entered our lives. She long since was part of drug usage as well. I have no idea how much she uses or what beyond weed she may or may not use but, I know that there’s been more than weed done.

          This jerk is her 4th idiot and it’s so hard to sit back and watch, wait and whatever. It’s been a horrific decade and a half of watching her become a chameleon to all of these issue-riddled jerks and take on all of their bad habits. Once done with one, she’s moved onto another and taken on theirs. This one though has been the worst and the longest. In short, she’s lost her well being and all that we’ve tried to support her in and tried. This is also the longest that she’s been gone from our lives. In other words, she hasn’t learned the lessons that you have. It’s sad, given that she’s 35 years of age now.

          I am so sorry that you’re in the state that you’re in as well with the prescription drugs that have you feeling so out of it. Sometimes, these docs have no time to spend on or with us so, out comes the prescription pads, hoping that patients will straighten out. More than anything, sometimes these drugs simply make things worse, don’t they?

          Wishing you all of my very best and thanking you for your thoughtful comment…as always. 🙂

          HUGS XO

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Your daughter is the same age as me so I wish her a beautiful future. I went through seven years of surgery, anxiety and pain and came through because I forced myself to, I knew life would get better. It is sad that some never realise this and get trapped in the lower levels of life and society. It is not a reflection of you, hard to accept but this is her life and you love her no matter what she does or how she behaves. around 2011 I was doing some very questionable behaviour, pushing boundaries – nothing like this but it was a reaction. Your daughter is young so I hope that one day soon she decides to make some positive changes

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you ibizagoldgirl. I hope that my daughter sees reality and comes around. I worked 2 and 3 jobs in order to give her a good start, a university degree and to see her throw it all and her father and I away like this, really stings. It stinks to know that she’s also throwing away her future for some issue-riddled jerk too. Even his own parents gave up on him because he was nasty to them too and caused a rift in the family.

              Do you know what you DID help me realize though? (Yes, you did help me come to another realization and I thank you for that). I realized that SHE isn’t good for HIM either!
              There’s a whole blog piece in that realization that will come out, I’m sure but, suffice it to say that he’d be better off with someone who took him by the scruff of the neck vs doing what he’s doing and living that way. My daughter is not helping him. She’s enabling him.

              I have YOU to thank for that realization. It’s helping in ways that you won’t understand fully as even I don’t yet but, I will and it will come out in a blog entry.

              I’m sending you a HUGE CYBER HUG right now of thanks. 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

  2. In the end it is her choice (God help her). Why do you put up with him ? Afraid of losing your daughter, I think you already have to him. Jamie your a better person then me, I would have told my daughter exactly how I feel ( And I did ) and close the door quietly behind them. When she realizes that he is a lazy moron she might just wake up . I made my choice and lost my daughter but also gained peace it may sound hard of me but I needed to do this. Ask Wendy I am not a heartless person but a good kind person. I put up with my daughter and son-in-laws BS for 30 years. (yes my daughter deserved better but again her choice) He couldn’t hold a job etc. I had to watch my daughter work as a server until the day before giving birth while he was home doing nothing that was her second baby with the first he left her to go drinking with his friends and she got mad at me for leaving after 12 hours to get some sleep (because I was up for 24 hrs) I told her to call her husband to be with her and she had to beg him to come back to the Hosp.I could go on and on but there comes a time when enough is enough. I’m certainly not telling you to do what I did just sharing my story with you. Yes he also smoked everyday. He finally has been at his new job for 4 yrs The longest time in his whole life. But I am at peace now. Next time you talk to Wendy ask her about this. I devoted my life to my children and was a wonderful mother if I do say so myself. But sadly we can’t make choices for our children and when they make poor choices we suffer in the end because we know what better lives they deserve. Maybe you could talk her into seeing a therapist who knows. I hate this for you I am as always here for you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Cathy. I keep hoping that she will see what the rest of the world sees in him and let go. I did lose her for almost a year over this issue-riddled idiot. I tolerate him. I keep trying to like him and WANT to like him but, he just won’t let anyone do it. He isn’t going to change and as you’ve experienced…never gets the blame. It’s always everyone else’s fault as to why he’s the way that he is. That’s both her excuse as well as his. But, as you’ve said, while I’m trying my best to “tolerate” him and the situation, there comes a point where you have to respect yourself by standing up for yourself. It’s SO hard, as you’ve noted so wonderfully, where you just can’t let them hold us hostage to their choices anymore. I’m so sorry that things have gone the way that they have for you and your daughter. It’s never easy to have to make a choice, is it? But, the time that I have to spend with him, watching my daughter go downhill and her life with it, the more I feel myself becoming “ill” over it all. I sought out therapy over it but, she won’t, sadly. I keep thinking that if I hope, hang in there and pray, she’ll eventually see it and wake up. Time is going by though and I’m not getting any younger nor, is this getting any easier. I tried with 2 other prior boyfriends of hers and she finally did see the light. With this one though…he’s got her, lock, stock and barrel and she’s so afraid to give up on the relationship and him that she’s not seeing the forest for the trees this time. I thought the other 2 gave me nightmares and several ulcers. This one will put me in a psych ward. I can’t hold back much longer now. He’s crossing lines blatantly and it’s got to come to an end at some point or another…in some way or another because I can’t keep taking it. There’s only so much one can swallow before they just can’t swallow anymore. HUGS…from one mom to another who only wants their children in decent, loving and caring relationships with people who can provide a good future for themselves and our children. XO


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