Are you feeling that something’s not right in your friendship?
Feeling down about no one calling you back?
Getting a gut wrenching feeling that you’ve been used?
How to know if you need new friends.
Friends are people who should compliment our lives. They add something to it and make us feel good about who we are. They tell us the truth if we have flaws, faults and warts but, they don’t put us down or back away from us (unless we are nasty to them). They’re also hard to come by but, there are certain signs that we often will wrestle with when our friends aren’t actually, friends. That’s when we know that we need to let them go and find new friends.
1: You’re doing all of the work in the friendship
When you’re the one making all of the calls, setting up all of the get-together dates, proposing those dinners or coffees and even shopping trips out but, your friend doesn’t call you, they’re giving you a subtle hint that their thoughts are not on you.
2. They only call or see you when they need an ear or a shoulder
That’s a classic sign that your friends are only thinking of you when they’re in trouble. They’ve already come to see you as their therapist, not a friend. You’re a role in their needs, wearing a hat but, in their minds, that’s all that you are.
3. They’ve told everyone else about their good happenings and you’re amongst the last to know
If you’re the first one they call or amongst the first that they tell, about their “bad stuff” but, you later find out that everyone else and their brother knew about their good happenings in Life, that’s a pretty clear signal that you’re not thought about by them except when they are having trouble. That’s not a friend. Again, you’re their therapist or their mother/father.
4. You’ve spent that last 3 nights in a row on the phone with them or gathering up their soggy tissues from crying but, you see on Facebook that they’ve been out for dinner, laughing, taking selfies and having a grand time with others.
If you’ve mopped their floors or yours with their tears and listened to them cry, offering them tissues, tea, coffee, wine or whatever else you may have done for the past several evenings but, look at their Facebook walls or hear from another mutual party that they’ve been out with others for laughs, giggles, dinners etc., you’re not “special” to them…you’re their doormat.
5. It’s always YOU who has to call them, leave a message and it takes them 3 weeks to call you back
Chasing after someone is what this is called whether we like it or not. We know that we’ve always been there for them but, they never call us so, we pick up the phone to call them. If you’re leaving them a message and it takes them 3 days to 3 weeks to call you back….you’re chasing after them, sorry to say. Take a hint. They aren’t interested in you. Unless they’ve been away or have a sick/ill child, parent or spouse, there’s no excuse for that tardy/lazy length of time for a call-back. In short, I’m sorry to be the bearer of rotten news but, they’re not interested enough to stir their rears to call you back. Stop chasing them as that’s what this equates to.
6. You’re doing research or work for them while they’re out having fun
When you’re sitting at home, doing research, repairing something or even making something for them while they’re out, having a good time with others, you’re not being thought of by them as a friend. You’re a service provider. They don’t value you. They value what you can do for them. STOP!
7. You’ve dropped countless things to be there for them but, ask them to be there for you and they’re suddenly always “busy”
Everyone has their busy times so, it’s understandable that here and there, your friends are going to be “busy” during a time when you want and need something. However, if you’re the type who drops everything for them when they’re in trouble and aren’t finding the same in return by hearing “sorry, I’m busy right now” and they don’t attempt to make a time to get back to you in one way or another on a consistent basis, you have to ask yourself why you’re there for them. Why weren’t they “busy” when they needed someone but, they’re suddenly “busy” when you are in need?
8. They’re constantly either belittling you, putting you down or, you feel as though you have to be something you’re not around them
You know that you’re a somewhat intelligent person. You put on your own shoes, lead your life like everyone else and can do what is needed. Yet, you feel that somehow, you are beneath this person that you’ve called a friend and have to be someone else while with them to make them like you. First of all, that’s not a healthy way to have to be with someone else and secondly, they’re not liking you, they’re liking the person you’re portraying yourself to be. Is it worth it? Really? Be honest with yourself. Wouldn’t you rather be liked for who you are rather than the role you’ve created for yourself for them to like you?
9. They’re as sweet as honey as long as you’re doing what they want, saying what they want to hear and agreeing with everything they do or say but, when you have a difference of opinion, they become nasty
Having that happen once in awhile is normal. People are under stress a lot of the time time nowadays but, when this is more frequent than once in a Blue Moon, you’ve got a flashing yellow light going off in front of you. Don’t ignore it and don’t let it get to the point where you’re afraid of disagreeing with everything they say or do lest you rock the boat with them and see their temper tantrums. If they see your disagreeance as something to get angry about, you’re not a friend. You’re a groupie or “Yes Person” to them and they keep you around to bolster their egos.
10. You’ve done hundreds of things for them over the years, including giving them money or paying for things yet, when you need a hand, shoulder or help, they “can’t do it”
If you’re the one who is constantly giving but, when you ask for a small favour from them, they can’t do it or tell you that by doing a 3 minute favour, “now we’re equal”….run, don’t walk away. This isn’t a two-way street so, it’s not a friendship. It’s a usership. All of us won’t be able to help someone from time to time because of other commitments but, when you’ve done the bulk of helping them and being there for them all along, and you’re getting the old “I can’t’s” or worse, they do one thing for the hundreds of times you’ve done something for them and they tell you that you’re “equal” now because they’ve done one thing for you…you’re looking at a “User”, not a true friend. Friends reciprocate even if it’s not half and half. They don’t decline to help you out when you need help and they certainly don’t tell you that you’re now “equal” because they’ve done you one favour when you’ve done hundreds for them. That equates to them having kept some sort of regretful tally on what they have to do for you.
No matter what else, remember that a true friendship means reciprocation in all ways. It may not be equal but, if you see them putting in at least some effort and showing you care and concern, you’ve got a friendship. If you’re doing all of the work, chasing, doing things for them etc., you’ve got a Usership, not a Friendship.
That’s meant quite literally. STOP doing for them. STOP chasing. STOP calling them or trying. They just not that into you unless they want a doormat. That’s what you’ve become to them.
True friends are there for one another. They think about you during good times and bad. They call you or see you even when they’re busy. They make time for you because they want to see or talk or be with you as a friend…not just when they are in need of your help, shoulder or ear. If they’re not reciprocating in many or a lot of ways, STOP and realize that you need new friends.
Remember, if you don’t treasure yourself and your own time, energy and effort, others won’t either. Be your own best friend first and foremost. When you respect yourself, others will too. Teach them how to treat you properly and if they don’t…move on. It’s that simple.
Best of wishes from my little corner of life to yours.
Have a great day or evening.