How To Know If You Need New Friends

True friends are there for you in good times and bad

Are you feeling that something’s not right in your friendship?

Feeling down about no one calling you back?

Getting a gut wrenching feeling that you’ve been used?

How to know if you need new friends. 

Friends are people who should compliment our lives.  They add something to it and make us feel good about who we are.  They tell us the truth if we have flaws, faults and warts but, they don’t put us down or back away from us (unless we are nasty to them).  They’re also hard to come by but, there are certain signs that we often will wrestle with when our friends aren’t actually, friends.  That’s when we know that we need to let them go and find new friends.

1:  You’re doing all of the work in the friendship

When you’re the one making all of the calls, setting up all of the get-together dates, proposing those dinners or coffees and even shopping trips out but, your friend doesn’t call you, they’re giving you a subtle hint that their thoughts are not on you.

2. They only call or see you when they need an ear or a shoulder

That’s a classic sign that your friends are only thinking of you when they’re in trouble.  They’ve already come to see you as their therapist, not a friend. You’re a role in their needs, wearing a hat but, in their minds, that’s all that you are.

3. They’ve told everyone else about their good happenings and you’re amongst the last to know

If you’re the first one they call or amongst the first that they tell, about their “bad stuff” but, you later find out that everyone else and their brother knew about their good happenings in Life, that’s a pretty clear signal that you’re not thought about by them except when they are having trouble.  That’s not a friend.  Again, you’re their therapist or their mother/father.

4. You’ve spent that last 3 nights in a row on the phone with them or gathering up their soggy tissues from crying but, you see on Facebook that they’ve been out for dinner, laughing, taking selfies and having a grand time with others.

If you’ve mopped their floors or yours with their tears and listened to them cry, offering them tissues, tea, coffee, wine or whatever else you may have done for the past several evenings but, look at their Facebook walls or hear from another mutual party that they’ve been out with others for laughs, giggles, dinners etc., you’re not “special” to them…you’re their doormat.

5. It’s always YOU who has to call them, leave a message and it takes them 3 weeks to call you back

Chasing after someone is what this is called whether we like it or not.  We know that we’ve always been there for them but, they never call us so, we pick up the phone to call them.  If you’re leaving them a message and it takes them 3 days to 3 weeks to call you back….you’re chasing after them, sorry to say.  Take a hint.  They aren’t interested in you. Unless they’ve been away or have a sick/ill child, parent or spouse, there’s no excuse for that tardy/lazy length of time for a call-back.  In short, I’m sorry to be the bearer of rotten news but, they’re not interested enough to stir their rears to call you back.  Stop chasing them as that’s what this equates to.

6. You’re doing research or work for them while they’re out having fun

When you’re sitting at home, doing research, repairing something or even making something for them while they’re out, having a good time with others, you’re not being thought of by them as a friend.  You’re a service provider.  They don’t value you.  They value what you can do for them.  STOP!

7. You’ve dropped countless things to be there for them but, ask them to be there for you and they’re suddenly always “busy”

Everyone has their busy times so, it’s understandable that here and there, your friends are going to be “busy” during a time when you want and need something.  However, if you’re the type who drops everything for them when they’re in trouble and aren’t finding the same in return by hearing “sorry, I’m busy right now” and they don’t attempt to make a time to get back to you in one way or another on a consistent basis, you have to ask yourself why you’re there for them.  Why weren’t they “busy” when they needed someone but, they’re suddenly “busy” when you are in need?

8. They’re constantly either belittling you, putting you down or, you feel as though you have to be something you’re not around them

You know that you’re a somewhat intelligent person.  You put on your own shoes, lead your life like everyone else and can do what is needed.  Yet, you feel that somehow, you are beneath this person that you’ve called a friend and have to be someone else while with them to make them like you.  First of all, that’s not a healthy way to have to be with someone else and secondly, they’re not liking you, they’re liking the person you’re portraying yourself to be.  Is it worth it? Really?  Be honest with yourself.  Wouldn’t you rather be liked for who you are rather than the role you’ve created for yourself for them to like you?

9. They’re as sweet as honey as long as you’re doing what they want, saying what they want to hear and agreeing with everything they do or say but, when you have a difference of opinion, they become nasty

Having that happen once in awhile is normal.  People are under stress a lot of the time time nowadays but, when this is more frequent than once in a Blue Moon, you’ve got a flashing yellow light going off in front of you.  Don’t ignore it and don’t let it get to the point where you’re afraid of disagreeing with everything they say or do lest you rock the boat with them and see their temper tantrums.  If they see your disagreeance as something to get angry about, you’re not a friend.  You’re a groupie or “Yes Person” to them and they keep you around to bolster their egos.

10. You’ve done hundreds of things for them over the years, including giving them money or paying for things yet, when you need a hand, shoulder or help, they “can’t do it

If you’re the one who is constantly giving but, when you ask for a small favour from them, they can’t do it or tell you that by doing a 3 minute favour, “now we’re equal”….run, don’t walk away.  This isn’t a two-way street so, it’s not a friendship.  It’s a usership.  All of us won’t be able to help someone from time to time because of other commitments but, when you’ve done the bulk of helping them and being there for them all along, and you’re getting the old “I can’t’s” or worse, they do one thing for the hundreds of times you’ve done something for them and they tell you that you’re “equal” now because they’ve done one thing for you…you’re looking at a “User”, not a true friend.  Friends reciprocate even if it’s not half and half.  They don’t decline to help you out when you need help and they certainly don’t tell you that you’re now “equal” because they’ve done you one favour when you’ve done hundreds for them.  That equates to them having kept some sort of regretful tally on what they have to do for you.

No matter what else, remember that a true friendship means reciprocation in all ways.  It may not be equal but, if you see them putting in at least some effort and showing you care and concern, you’ve got a friendship.  If you’re doing all of the work, chasing, doing things for them etc., you’ve got a Usership, not a Friendship.


That’s meant quite literally.  STOP doing for them.  STOP chasing.  STOP calling them or trying.  They just not that into you unless they want a doormat.  That’s what you’ve become to them.

True friends are there for one another.  They think about you during good times and bad.  They call you or see you even when they’re busy.  They make time for you because they want to see or talk or be with you as a friend…not just when they are in need of your help, shoulder or ear.  If they’re not reciprocating in many or a lot of ways, STOP and realize that you need new friends.

Remember, if you don’t treasure yourself and your own time, energy and effort, others won’t either.  Be your own best friend first and foremost.  When you respect yourself, others will too.  Teach them how to treat you properly and if they don’t…move on.  It’s that simple.

Best of wishes from my little corner of life to yours.

Have a great day or evening.



Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

2 thoughts on “How To Know If You Need New Friends

  1. I do agree with you. The thing I am pondering is do we really need new friends and go through the same shit with them. Why not just stay with your true friends and enjoy them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cathy, I ponder that as well at times. However, I am finding that there’s a number of my friends who have been in my life since childhood or met in adulthood who need to or have needed to go for varying reasons. It all ended up being mutual in a dissolve of the friendships but, I recognized that those who were left, were only those who were out to “use” me.
      Part of that was MY fault! I want to make that perfectly clear. I see my role in how it all got to this point. I let others lean on me, did for them, took from me and never were there when I needed even 6 minutes worth of a shoulder. However, the fact remains that I really recognized their “true colours” and how they were there for what they could get out of me. Stupidly, I kept giving to them and never receiving.
      I know now that in any new friendship, it has to be a 2 way street where the giving and receiving from each other, almost equals one another for the most part. And, one thing that stand out clearly in my mind is that I will NEVER start off a friendship with anyone anymore, based on PROBLEMS and helping them out of them. Once that happens, that friendship, becomes a Usership, not a friendship. It then has become my job to fix their problems and help them. They do not call me in the good times or to be part of fun things.
      I will no longer stay “friends” with people who don’t bother with me except when they need something from me. I need new friends for the most part. There’s a few that I will keep because there’s some reciprocation but, not much. The rest need to go and I have been slowly weeding my garden so to speak.
      It’s a tough realization to come to but, I have finally simply had enough of being “used” and “abused” by these so-called friends. In other words, they were never “true friends” to begin with and therefore, there’s NO enjoyment. They only know my phone number and address when THEY want or need something. The rest of the time, they are out with others, having fun. I’m doing the WORK!
      In short, for me, personally…I need some new friends. 🙂
      Hugs, Lady…you are one of them. XO XO XO


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