Take Control of You

The little 4 year old girl who lives next-door to me with her parents is a cutie.  I mean a really adorable looking little girl with light brown or dirty blond hair and the fairest blue/green eyes you’ve ever seen.  She lights up a room with her beauty and it would be tremendously hard to keep looking at that little face and be angry.  That said though, she only has to be around for 5 minutes and you’re ready to scream at her.

Does that sound really contradictory?  It is but, I’ll tell you why.

This little girl has all of the power and, trust me, she knows it!  Everyone around her is wrapped around her baby finger and does what she wants.  She’s got the power  just like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty. 

Signs-Spoiled-Child

Lest you think I’m attacking a 4 year old child, I’m not.  It’s truly not her fault.  She was taught to pinch men’s behinds and giggle.  She learned young that a “wah” sound would bring, Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and everyone else to her feet like servants.  More than anything, she quickly realized that she called the shots as she was picking my garden flowers, stomping on them, taking kicks at my dog then giggling as her parents chuckled and called her “Silly”.  Perhaps, they think it’s cute but, most other people don’t.  Even her  maternal grandmother who babysits her has openly stated “this child is going to kill me soon,” and, meant it fully.  Thank the heavens above, this child will be in school all day in a couple of weeks.  Heaven help her teachers though.  I truly feel pity for them but, hopefully she will learn that with 20 something other students in the classroom, she won’t be getting her way that often though, it won’t stop her from trying at home still.  I blame her parents, not her for allowing her to have so much leeway and power.  She’s a little girl that carries a huge stick and whips her parents and family into her way or the highway faster than you can read this sentence.

This leads me to my own daughter who is now a fully grown woman.  I hate to admit it but, I did the same thing with her as these parents are doing with the little girl I’ve talked about above.  It took my father to tell me that at 3 years old, if I didn’t do something with her, no one would want her around.  Quite frankly, I was tired of my own child’s antics and demands, commands as well as everything in between.  In short, my father had simply given me the validation that I needed to be able to tell myself honestly that I couldn’t stand my own child.  What’s more, it wasn’t her fault.  It was mine.  I had catered to this little monster’s every whims.  My entire life had been about pleasing this spoiled child and I was exhausted, resenting her when I should have taken control a long time before I did.

Fast forward to today.

I don’t see or hear from her and haven’t for nearly 2 years now.  This was her choice, not mine.  She had found 3 jerks for boyfriends throughout her life thus far.  One had issues of being an old man in a younger man’s body who was as cheap as they came and never wanted to go out.  The second was a liar, cheat, gambler, heavy drinker and was in debt up past his earlobes.  The one she’s currently with, hates his parents, doesn’t want to work, lays around smoking weed, hash, doing psychedelics and eating himself into oblivion while playing video games.  His rear rarely leaves the couch except to get more food or drink for his “cotton mouth and munchies” when she refuses to bring them to him.  Neither of them can handle caring for a cat, let alone anyone else.  He hates his own parents because they told him to go to school or work and give up the pot but, he didn’t so they tossed him out.  Enter my daughter who pays for more than half of his bills and caters to him like a hand-maiden.

I get it.  I see the pattern there.  She’s treating him like I treated her.  She’s giving him everything he wants and more to keep him happy.  Why?  I don’t know for sure but, she is.  She is giving him power over her like she did with the other 2 morons and, in the meanwhile, though I haven’t seen her or talked to her in nearly 2 years, she still has power over me.  I’m still hurting, wondering, have apologized for giving her what she wanted and not having more of a hand on the scruff of her neck all along or kicking out those losers from her life and our home in spite of what she wanted.  More than anything, I’ve apologized for teaching her that serving other’s needs, wants and demands are what is to be done.  I taught her that unconsciously by example and while I have apologized profusely and sincerely for it, she sees it as me giving myself a huge “back-pat” as a parent versus a real apology for the pattern that I see her having fallen under.

I’ve sought out professional help and counselling over this matter and done everything these “experts” have told me to do, only to make it worse than it already was.  I’ve given up on trying their suggestions now as they are also at a quandary as to what else to try and have told me to stop.  I did.

Now what? She still has power over me.  I’m going to all of her former friends’ weddings, watching their children being born and it’s hard.  I see mothers and daughters together all of the time, everywhere I go and it hurts that my own daughter has not only dropped myself and her father but, everyone else in the family and all of her former friends.  As a matter of fact, besides the 2 or 3 people the Idiot has in his life still, she has no friends.  I see a woman who will never have children, not likely own a home ever and who will struggle with debt for a good chunk, if not the rest of her life.  Top that off with her own drug usage now and I’m not only grieving but, I’m highly concerned about her.  She’s got the power too still.  In spite of me not seeing her or hearing from her, she still has that power over me.

relaxed parents

Sadly, though she’s not doing anything to me anymore and I don’t have to do anything for her, including giving her lavish birthdays and Christmases like I used to do, having more free time and being able to do what I please, when I please, my daughter is still holding the key to my life, heart, mind, health and soul.  How can this be?

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that she only has the power that I give to her.  It was true back when she was younger and it’s still true to this day.  She has chosen to withdraw from the world and everyone except the Idiot.  I have chosen to continue to hand her the power to control my days through grieving the loss of her companionship as a daughter.

While I could go through a list of blaming games that I could play, the plain and simple truth is, I am still handing her the power to hurt me and it’s time that it all stopped.  After all, she’s not doing it to me.  I am doing it to myself now.  I am choosing to allow this distanced child I once knew to cause me grief.

This is one of those situations where I know that I can’t change it.  It’s beyond my ability no matter what I’ve done, tried or how many experts I’ve been counselled by have given me as trials, suggestions or advice on how to rectify this situation.  None of it has worked.  I am all but powerless over her but, I do have power within myself to change how I look upon this situation as well as how I react to it.  In short, I can stop handing her the power over me by accepting that there’s nothing else for me to try or do.  I’ve done it all now.

Like the little girl next-door to me, I need to grab myself by the scruff of the neck and let myself know that it’s not ok to keep hurting, getting ill, wasting what’s left of my life or however long that may be, by continuing to allow my daughter to hold the power over me.  Her wants are unknown to me.  Her needs are being met by her own lifestyle and the Idiot’s wants.  Those are her choices for herself but, my choices for myself must be about gaining mental, physical and emotional health.  I cannot afford to keep handing my daughter all of the power over me as the little girl has over her parents.  My daughter is no longer 4 years old anymore.  There’s no control that I have over her nor, does she want it.

The only answer left now for me is to stop giving her power over me by changing my thinking about her, how often and how.  There are no more excuses for her behaviours and choices.  I’ve run out of them and in being honest, she’s out of them with me as well.

Like the little girl next-door, picking my flowers, pinching my husband’s behind, kicking my dog, my daughter’s behaviour is no better than this 4 year old’s and it’s not considered “cute” or “silly” any longer for either of them.

I can’t control the little girl next door’s parenting but, I can limit how much time she spends around us when she’s behaving in these manners and her parents are doing nothing about it.

In the same way, I can’t control my own daughter and her choices for her life, the friends and family that she’d dropped nor, the lifestyle that she’s leading and likely will continue to lead.

The only one that I have any control over is…myself.

From my little corner of life to yours, take control of what you can, while you can, where you can and leave the rest.  Live your life and find happiness in whatever ways that you can find it.  Stop giving power to people, children, pets and things that really only have the power that you are giving to them.  Treat yourself with kindness and please yourself too.

Best of wishes!

Be Well.  Love and Light.

Have a great day or evening.

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Take Control of You

Add yours

  1. Bravo my dear friend. I am so glad that you have come to terms with her. As you know I came to terms with mine about 6 months after it happened. You know there comes a time that you realize you are not to blame for her actions she is .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cathy, after turning myself inside out, upside down, tearing myself to shreds over her choices, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not me. It’s not me as a mother nor as a person. It IS her and her choices right now. Had she made this decision at 8 years of age…I might have had a different idea but, after a lot of thinking about everything (and being insecure over it all), I’ve realized that it’s her choices, not me.
      I wish that I could be like you are. I truly do! That’s being honest and sincere. Hubby is like you are. He’s able to turn it all off quickly. I, on the other hand, tend to turn every rock and stone over before I can make a decision.
      I still miss having my daughter and hope that one day, she will come to her senses, leave the Jerk and come back to being the woman I raised where we can have some sort of a relationship that is healthy. Until then though…I have to live my life too.
      Thanks Cathy again!
      HUGS again….as always!
      XO XO

      Like

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