My home was always a revolving door for the neighbourhood children. One was coming as one was leaving until I couldn’t keep my eyes open for one more second in a day. My grocery shopping bill every week, reminded me of a cafeteria for children with juices, treats and wholesome foods that I’d feed every child who came to my door. Not only that but my facial tissue tally was out of hand. Every kid who had a problem, sought myself and my husband out for help no matter what time of the day or evening it was. In short, our home was akin to a half-way home and playground.
We’d had an “Only Child” and never could have anymore in spite of our best efforts. In recognition of a condition that can happen to children who are spoiled as an only child, we opened our doors to every and any child who wanted a friend in our daughter, needed a Safe Place and parents who listened in order for our daughter to not grow up spoiled. We taught her to learn to share both her own belongings and us as she would have learned had we been able to have another child as her sibling.
The years have gone on now and all of them are grown adults. Most of them have been getting married, gotten married and are having children of their own or, are well into their chosen professions.
Throughout this past year or so, my husband and myself have not only been invited to 4 of these children’s weddings but, we’ve had the honour at 2 of them, being placed at or very near the “Family Tables”. What an honour. I’ve cried as each one of them have grown up into fine, young women and men who are now married and at the pinnacle of their lives, starting a new chapter for themselves.
If you’ve read any of my other writings, you’ll know that my own daughter has nothing to do with us, her friends or the rest of our remaining families. She’s ousted everyone she ever knew or who loved her at this point and has missed out on being at every one of these children’s weddings and happy events. Her father and I have attended them all though.
What’s sad is that I’ve watched while daughters have danced with fathers. Sons have danced with mothers. All have thanked their parents for the wonderful wedding and their time with their parents no matter what has been done to them or not done for them. Yet, here my husband and myself are, happy for these children turned adults and their parents while we are essentially, “childless”. Everyone else has their adult children with them at these weddings and celebrations of differing types…except for us.
Don’t think for a moment that we haven’t spent the past several years, asking ourselves what we did wrong as parents. We have been asking that question of not only each other but, from professional therapists and counsellors. We’ve turned ourselves inside out and upside down as both people and parents. We’ve also let professionals do the same, without guard, without hesitation or fear. After all, if we’ve done something wrong, we need to be able to see it, apologize and try to work things out with our daughter. To date, we and the experts haven’t found anything. The rest of her former friends (yes, she’s dropped everyone in her life except for an idiot boyfriend that she clings to who is a drug user and lives his life in a fog) have long since forgiven their parents for far greater sins, some of which still persist to this day and are still remaining in their parents’ lives with love. So, why is it that we’re in the position that we’re in with our daughter? Perhaps, we simply spoiled her? Maybe, it’s that simple?
On the way home from the latest wedding where the young man had grown up with and around us, having held him from the time he was born, I cried and uttered something I thought would never come out of my mouth as a loving, caring, devoted parent.
“I can’t stand our daughter,” I muttered between gritted teeth, tears running down my cheeks, taking off my makeup as they ran. “She’s STUPID. She’s NOT the intelligent person I thought she was or that we raised. She should have been there tonight and at all of the other weddings we’ve been to for her former friends.”
I thought the moment would pass. I truly thought that perhaps, I was speaking through emotion, pain and exhaustion from the evening’s events but, after a good night’s sleep, staying in bed later than usual and feeling more refreshed, not only did those same thoughts persist but, they were stronger than the night before.
I’ve admonished myself for feeling this way and tried to chase it all away. This is my child. How could I feel this way about her? I wondered if I was a “bad mother” but, the resounding response was that it was truly how I felt and had nothing to do with being a good or a bad parent. It was simply, my truth now, not some emotional outburst. She’d taken this far too far for no good reason that either I, my husband, others who knew and loved her, those who had grown up with her nor, even the experts could find anywhere for her total disregard for not only us as her parents who had always been here for her. She’d simply now crossed a line within me and it’s highly doubtful that I’ll be able to reverse these feelings towards her and her actions.
Don’t get me wrongly. I still love my daughter and it still hurts but, more than anything, I’m fed up, angry and honestly, I do not like who she’s become as both a daughter nor a person. Drugs have messed up her life and until or unless she’s willing and asking us for our help, there’s nothing more I can do or will do. She crossed that boundary within me now or, I’ve simply woken up to the reality of it all.
When someone make a choice, it sometimes removes other people’s choices
What I’ve come to realize is that when someone else makes their choices, they can often remove other people’s choices as well.
In my case, I want my child, in spite of the fact that she’s a grown woman, I still think of her as my “child” and want her as part of my life. Unfortunately, when she made the choice to withdraw from my life as she’s done, she took away my choice to have my child as part of my life.
The same type of situation holds true for many other choices both we as parents, persons and others can make in our lives. Each and every choice may take away choices from others. We can’t always make choices based upon what others may want or need however, we have to recognize when we are justified in making a choice that will take away other’s choices as well for us to have what we choose to do or not do.
Not every choice we make will be a smart choice but, we may not be able to turn back the hands of time and get back what we’ve chosen to give away
Frankly and honestly, it would now take quite a bit of recognition on my daughter’s part that she’s made a huge mistake in how she’s treated everyone before most people, including her father and I, would want her back as part of our lives again.
That’s hard for me to say as a mother. I never thought that I’d ever get to the point where I would be forced to say that but, it’s becoming truer by the day. I truly don’t know if I could or would want my daughter back again without at least an admittance of her having made a mistake in choices and, be truly wanting to make changes, including having dropped the Jerk she’s with as well as getting help for the drugs. I know that I couldn’t handle her doing this all over again to herself or us. As pathetic as it may all sound for a parent to say this, enough time, hurt and sadness has happened from her now that I wouldn’t accept her back with open arms without there being a sincere apology and changes within herself and her lifestyle. Her choices were not smart and I may not be able to take her back nor, can she reverse the hands of the amount of time now that has passed or the hurt she’s inflicted. All that’s left now is hurt and anger at her for these choices she’s made.
Think twice about choices you make. You may not be able to return to a previous state because people cannot hold on forever. People eventually will move forward and onward. If you’re not careful, their choices may not include you in their futures. There’s not always another chance to reconcile or get back what you’ve shoved away with other people.
The world doesn’t revolve around you so, think twice about who you’re shoving away
None of us were born as the Centre of The Universe with everything revolving around us. Though my daughter seems to think that it is the case for her. We (hubby and myself) are partially to blame for that as is Society in general as she grew up. We taught her by example that Life was about her and her needs and wants for the most part. A lot of kids in her age group, grew up believing that the sun rose and set just for them. That’s not to say that we didn’t do things that we needed to do but, it’s to say that we thought of her first and foremost in almost everything that we did or didn’t do. It all led her to believe that Life was supposed to be about her and her needs and wants. That’s on us. It’s our faults for that illusion. However, it’s a false illusion because no one is any more or any less important than the next person so, shoving others away because they’re not part of your current plan is a bad move if they are important to you or in your life. You may not be able to get them back again.
Life has a funny way of dealing us cards that we didn’t count on being dealt. If we’ve shoved others who are important to us and our lives, out of our lives to suit some other need or purpose we have at that moment, we cannot expect to that those people back onside or on board to help us out again. That’s the sad reality of things. Be careful of who you shove out of your life and why. If there’s no good reason, don’t use others but, don’t burn bridges with them either. You may find yourself needing that walk-way again at some point or another.
Stupidity shouldn’t last a lifetime but, it may if you don’t recognize that you’re making bad choices
I could understand and while I didn’t like it, my daughter having made a choice…a poor choice at that, for a certain but short period of time in her life. After all, everyone is human and will make both poor choices and mistakes in their lives. What I do have a problem with is the amount of time that she’s been making these choices and how long she’s continuing to make them. In short, the longer she keeps making this choice of shoving everyone out of her life, including us as her parents for a complete loser, the less intelligent I realize that she is and has been in spite of having felt differently about her. The longer she continues this, the more I realize that she isn’t and wasn’t as smart as I gave her credit for being. As a matter of fact, at this point, I see her as actually, “stupid”.
Making a mistake is human as I’ve already said but, when one continues on with the same poor choices one has made and keeps on making, the more other people realize that it’s not a mistake or simply poor choices, it’s actually, stupidity that’s behind it all rather than anything intelligent. Other people are quick to pick up on your poor judgements and how it affects you and your life as well as theirs. Never assume that it’s ok to continue making mistakes, errors in judgement and bad choices or that people will understand. They may not and you may find yourself alone when you need people the most. Other people see continued errors as you being a fool. Most people don’t want a fool around them and will move on.
Swallow your pride, admit to making mistakes, try to rectify them and do it before you’re thought of as stupid or a fool
As stated above, my daughter has been making her choices for a long enough time now that I don’t see her choices as simply poor judgement or a mistake. I see it as a willful act of stupidity and worse…I see her as a fool at this point. That’s part hurt and part anger talking but, it’s also reality for everyone who was involved in her life that she’s dumped for a jerk. About the only thing that she could do now that would have me even thinking of accepting her back into my life at this point, would be for her to admit that she’s made a huge mistake, apologize to us as her parents and act with intelligence to rectify both her life and her relationship with us again now. As saddened as that makes me feel to say it as a mother and about my only child, it also enables me to move forward with my own life a little easier than I was doing so. I have come to realize that I have rights in spite of being a parent and were she to be anyone else other than my child, I would have completely walked away from everything a long time ago and thrown away that key for good.
If you’re in a situation where you can even remotely see that you’re making mistakes and choices that are not leading you, your life or your future anywhere good, it’s time that you take a good look at yourself, how you have and are hurting yourself and others first and foremost. Then, it’s time that you make other choices, apologize to those you’ve hurt and try to make amends. In other words, get your sh*t together now…not down the road when no one or few people want part of you or think of you as an idiot. You’re going to need to earn back respect and the relationships that have been damaged or worse, thrown away.
This is only part of the realizations that have hit me about Life and other people but, I hope that some of it transfers well from my little corner of life to yours.
Be well. Love and Light
Have a great day or evening.