I Am Grieving The Loss of My Daughter…

grievingmother

I see adult children with their parents.  I see these parents with grandchildren.  I hear the laughter, the joy and yes, even the worry and heartache over things that would happen to their adult children.  Parenting never ends no matter how old your child is.

It’s in that last sentence that my story lays.

I had a child.  She’s going to be 35 this month.  Yet, I haven’t seen her in over 2 years.

She will not take my calls. I doubt she gets my emails.  If she does get them, she doesn’t respond to them.  Perhaps, they have been deemed “spam” and simply go to her spam box that she never looks at and my words, thoughts, feelings and everything else that I’ve agonized over saying to her, get trashed without her having read a word.

“Bullshit” and “grow the fuck up”, she responded to one email where I let her know that her estrangement from me was hurting me badly and how I loved her but, how I could forgive her for her choices, I couldn’t forget the years that were missing that she could have with us as her parents.  I also couldn’t forget how she had dismissed my feelings of grief and loss when my brother passed away suddenly and she chose to disappear from my life then proceeded to tear me to shreds as a person and as a mother.  That hurt.  I can forgive but I can’t forget that from her.  Not as an adult.  She was old enough to understand what she was doing.  I was already abandoned by the death of my brother who was my best friend most of my life and now, her disappearance willingly from my life and the cruelness she’d done it with.

No, I didn’t say all of those words to her but, I did tell her that I loved her, missed her and how I couldn’t believe that she was the same daughter that I had loved so much and raised to a beautiful young woman.  I could forgive but, I couldn’t forget this from her.  I didn’t understand it.  I still don’t comprehend it or what I’ve ever done to have deserved this from her.

I tried many more times to reach out to her, telling her that I loved her as the “experts” all have told me to do.  I attempted to keep the lines of communication open while she was shutting doors in my face one by one and diminishing the number of ways that I could speak to her.  Now, she answers nothing.  My thoughts, feelings, words and love are spam to her.  Why?  That’s the question that I keep asking myself.

As I watch the other parents with their adult children, I’m not naive enough to believe that everything between them is always peach-keen where rainbows, sunshine and butterflies exist within their relationships.  I know that there are always problems.  I only see what I want to see in them all.  I see the good and I think,

“At least they have their children speaking to them and with them.  I have only my husband left in my life now and even he is only physically here a lot of the time.”

That saddens me.  That thought tears me apart because it’s not how I wanted it to go and it’s not how it used to be.  This is how it is now though.

I am in grief.

Plain and simply, I am grieving the loss of my daughter because for all intents and purposes, she is akin to non-existent in my life or, though I hate to say it, “dead” in my world.  She no longer exists except as a memory as so many others in my life have done through a real death.  The difference being, they never chose their deaths.  She did.

Holidays and birthdays have all gone by over these past couple of years.  I mourn not having my daughter around us.  It feels empty and strange, sad and pathetic.  Others are having Christmases with their adult children or grandchildren whether it be on actual Christmas or not.  Meanwhile, we listen to Christmas music, put up a tree and the lights, watch White Christmas for the 100th time as a tradition and sit there, looking at one another saying, “now what?  Is this Christmas?”

For those adult children who have estranged themselves from their parents and are ready to find the comment button to tell me that I must have done something wrong because you believe that your parents did something wrong to you in your mind, let me assure you that years of counselling and 3 therapists later, being honest, open and hoping to find something that I could apologize for, asking my daughter (when my emails didn’t go to spam that is) what I did wrong…please explain so that I can explain or work on it with her or go for counselling as a family, I get nothing in return.  There are no answers.  As I’ve said in a previous piece, perhaps it’s because she, herself, doesn’t know why she’s doing what she’s doing?  I don’t know.

I do know that I never drank or did drugs, neglected her, abused her and I gave her everything that I could possibly give her in every way and then some.  I gave her space, let her have friends over day and night (literally) and I supported almost everything she wanted to do or be.  Yes, I did stop her from doing adult things as a child out of safety reasons.  I said “no” to going to adult clubs at the age of 13.  I told her “no” when she wanted ice cream instead of dinners day after day.  I let some slip by and let her be a kid. I gave up a career to take on work that I never wanted to do so that I would be around for her more than other mothers were.  Maybe, I gave up too much of myself or gave her too much?

I never expected her to get “A’s” or be something she didn’t want to be.  I encouraged her and supported her when she found something she did want to do.  I bought her a car when she wanted one so that she could get back and forth.  I endured a quartet of messed up boyfriends that she wanted in her life but, tried to let her know that part of her depression episodes might be because she was with the wrong young men.  I was proven to be right about that, thankfully, when she’d drop them and move forward and back to herself and her friends as well as her life, happy and herself again.

Enter this drug riddled, opinionated, disordered jerk into her life who fed her drugs and she’s gone.  The daughter that I raised not only moved out of the house to be with this moronic creature from Mars but, I tolerated him, gave him gifts, treated him like he was part of the family because he hated his own.  I did that until he pushed us away, along with all of her friends that she’d also dropped and insulted every one of our family members left in this world until no one would come around us if he was part of the times we were together.  It was partly due also to the fact that after 6 years, he had worked to try to get us out of her life as he had done with every single other person she had from her past from friends and family to us.  He tried to do drugs and get her to do them around us.  We finally said, “no…not in our home.”  That was it.  It was done at that point.

Enter today’s time frame.  Everyone else  has moved on and they expect me to do so as well.  I know that I must as I cannot change her nor, do I want the person she’s become now, around us.  This person is not our daughter.  She’s not the daughter that I walked the floors with at night, or stayed up with while she was teething, sick or couldn’t sleep because she was worried or upset about something.  She isn’t the person I would throw at least 2 birthday parties for every year or the lavish Christmases that put us into debt every year.  She wasn’t our daughter.  She’s obviously still not.  She’s possessed by two demons, a jerk and his brainwashing that she refuses to get out of.  It’s like she’s part of a cult that I cannot get her out of no matter what I’ve tried or done all along.

“Move on,” I’m being told by everyone else.

“Forget about her and live your life,” others say.

“She’ll come back one day and she’ll regret it,” still others tell me whereupon I ask, “when?  When I’m 6′ under?  What good will that do me?”

I am in grief though.  I’ve lost my daughter to her own continued choices.  It’s not put upon her.  I can’t even blame The Jerk-off she’s with because she is choosing to remain there with him in spite of us telling her that we’d be here to help support and protect her if she wanted us to be and how the door was always open to her.  I’m not so sure that she even knows that door anymore.

Frankly, I don’t care how many regrets she will have when we both pass on if she doesn’t snap out of it soon.  She will have them but, they will do us no good for her to have them after we are no longer part of this planetary existence.  Yet, what choice do I have?  I didn’t choose this for her.  I didn’t choose for her to do what she’s doing or has chosen for herself.  She sleeps one night on a couch and the next on a mattress on the floor.  She’s been in the same broken down apartment for the past 8 1/2 years, never having moved forward in any way and likely won’t as at last talk she had with us, they were in debt greatly and had such bad credit, no one would offer them another lease.  Her evenings, when she’s not working are filled with drugs and no friends, no going out other than a few movies or concerts here and there in the cheap seats.  How sad.  How pathetic.  It’s not the life we ever envisioned her having nor, is it the place in life we’d ever thought she’d be at this age.  Still I hold no criticism towards that aspect of things…only grief that she’s allowed not only this lifestyle to continue endlessly but, to separate herself from everyone except those who are “Jerk Approved”. Even there, it’s a select few druggies as well.

I am in grief.  I grieve the loss of our daughter though I am not welcomed into bereavement groups because my daughter is still physically alive somewhere on this planet still.

Friends and even what little family is left of ours, don’t care anymore.  There’s nothing for them left to say.  There’s no more to talk about and I’m supposed to shut up and be happy for them while they talk about their adult child or children coming over, calling, texting, being around for holidays, Mother’s and Father’s days.  I’m supposed to ignore my pain because there’s nothing left to say that they haven’t already heard.  I’m supposed to keep my sorrow, grief and pain to myself and I do…except for these blog pieces that hardly anyone reads.  It’s a hard topic to deal with or cope with for any parent who has to endure it.  The hurt, depression and even anger are to be held in while we put smiles on our faces for others with their children and grandchildren while I feel as though I gave birth as a surrogate for an idiot to have a playmate and now, she’s gone.

I won’t forget this episode in my life and heaven only knows how long any of us have on this planet but, for the time that I do have, I grieve the loss of my daughter and all that could have been and should have been while this moron she’s with reaps all of the benefits from her being with him as selfishly as he’s taken her into his life and as unthoughtful as she’s been and is being by ousting herself from everyone else who ever has loved her and hasn’t died.

From my little corner of life to yours, I know that parents lose children every day to deaths and illnesses or even estrangements.  It’s not a foreign concept.

There are many parents out in this world who are also grieving the losses of their children in differing ways and for different reasons.  Grief knows no reasons.  It only knows the feelings of grief and loss.  It doesn’t differentiate.

Be well. Love and Light to all who have read this far.

 

18 thoughts on “I Am Grieving The Loss of My Daughter…

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  1. Thank you for your heart and kindness.
    I was typing last evening here, on my tablet, which has its own humor, and through tears after reading your story. So, i apologize for the horrible spelling errors😨
    Yes…indeed it was having no understanding of boundaries.
    When a child is programmed, the keepers are the only ones allowed boundaries.
    There was something inside of me though my whole life, that somehow allowed me to believe i was a good being….
    Of course now, the trauma and dramas are done.
    My grieving comes in those moments that i too see mothers and daughters together.
    I miss my daughter…i miss my mother…
    I have this to carry and i indeed do so in my best fashion.
    So, from time to time, i do cry, but it no longer is heart wrenching. It is a bittersweet moment, where I know…that even though they have exiled me, i can love them, and hope for them, happiness and a good way to journey.
    Remember, they too carry weight of their own judgements and deeds.
    We believe we know them still, when we grieve…yet once we come from that energetic place in our hearts, we realize…it is indeed us seeing them from a place they no longer dwell. They, like us…have changed, grown, become somebody other than what we know of them.
    I believe i did the best i could with what tools i had to navigate with. I no longer beat myself up. No should haves or could haves…i used them all up.
    My mother is 79 and my daughter is 45…and here i am in the middle…and we ALL are adults leading our lives….allowing them their right to do so…also allows me the same right.
    I cannot bare to think how horrible it must be to carry such anger and hardened hearts. Yet indeed…it is theirs to carry…and i am no longer there to carry it for them.
    I totally agree with what you said about talking about it to others. When asked, do you have children, i struggled with what to say at first. I was so ashamed of what has came from this and i would say yes but we are estranged and the “look” is the judgement of me…well, until i realized, i was placing that energy there to be seen. I now, simply say yes, she is grown and has a lovely life…period…
    I get asked about grandchildren. I say, no, my daughter is gay…which she is…and has chosen to not adopt, that was her choice even in high school…she told me she was committed to her career.
    Well…she never did that either…drugs and grandparents enabling changed all those dreams.
    I really appreciate your taking time to respond to my comment. I am grateful that i found your little corner of the world, and offer such a space of kindness and acceptance for those of us that came from completely broken…to becoming slightly bent😁
    Our daughters have no clue what they are missing out on…while holding onto all that anger and misery….
    Yes, i agree with you. We gave our ALL to them. Yes, love unconditional, never ends…and i am pleased with my echo out into the world. For to me…i choose to carry love…it is amazing and my heart is Light, and is open…and I am blessed to come through this and still be grateful. I would not wish this on anyone….though.
    Yes, i have wrote 2 books…one about feeding the scapegoat. I believe…it was the tool that broke the spell of heartache. I realized through writting it…how awake i have been in my life and how love truly does always win…..
    Forgiveness….is mandatory…forgetting an option…but..these dsys…i am finding that memories are becoming harder to reach.
    Yes…i agree with you
    Unconditional love is no longer simply given…..i deserve that as well, and have indeed set new boundaries in place for such.
    Oh yes indeed…my mother and daughter worked well together.
    I could see through the facades the deeper i healed and it was a devastating sight indeed, but one that i took responsibility for and that i accepted as what is …
    I too believe that those relationships are failing…for nothing can be built on lies.
    I wish i would not have tried to stay in relationships with my toxic parents, and maybe my daughter and i would have a good relationship, but i have moved beyond that illusion, for there is no way to ever know. Choices were made, and we judge how well we live, by how well we allow the lies to die…
    I pray for grace to hold my hand daily…..
    Sending you a heartful of HUGGZ…create an amazing adventure within your day. Namaste’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I sincerely hope that everyone who is aching, grieving, in pain, sorrow, feeling loss as well as hurt and anger, reads your response here, Deb. I think you spoke your own feelings so well that there’s nothing that I need add to this as it is healing for others who are going through this to read.

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. I am happy to have met you and I hope that you and others will be around to help others too. Sadly, we are not alone in this journey.

      HUGS and Namaste back to you as well.
      Thank you XO XO

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your sharing. I was exiled from my adult daughters life in October 17, 2011. Yet, we began a dance of off and on estrangement since 1989.
    She was 39 years old.
    I had known of the ways she betrayed me, gaslighted me, andcwas svapegoating me, and I just could not wrap my mind or geart aroundbit all.
    Through years of supporting her through drug rehabs, jail sentences…getting her apartments, letting her live back at home, buying her cars, shecwould jystcsell or trade, furniture, paying her bills,…on and on…i did not care. I loved her. I still love her.
    This is what unconditional love is…no matter what …you Love them…
    But…for the mother that is exiled…there is but only a one way road…and that is..the way of acceptance.
    I still grieve yet now, i also see from a clean pair of eyes…still through my heart. I love her…yet…she made this choice.
    Her so called love for me was always conditional.
    I held guilt for still loving a child that could be so full of a hardened heart…this is not a reflection of her childhood.
    I was a working mother, and i came from a very abusive childhood.
    My mother scapegoated me, physically and emotionally abused me, my birth dather physically abused me, my step father sexually abused me. I came through all that…no drug use, finished high svhool…married young, husband was shipoed to viet nam and i had just learned i was pregnant.
    I adored my daughter, still do…the daughter i remember that is.
    Bottom line…i wanted to mend a relationship with ,y mother and step father and as a young adult, i made that choice to try to be in a family..,try to show them love.
    Needless to say, my mother used my dsughter against me.
    When my daughter left home in 1989, and i came home ftom work and she was gone and her stuff was gone i paniced. I called my mom and she said she eould let me know if she jeard from her, she had nothing she could say to me to help. 3 months later, i am still beside myself..looking for her constantly..and it was close to christmas, i woukd be visiting my toxic parents and my mother called me and said, i wanted to tell you your daughter has been here all along. I started crying and adking how could you let me worry like this, my heart was broken…she literally said to me
    SHE DID NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW…
    My own mother
    But it gets worse…
    I kept forgiving all of Them.
    I loved them unconditionally…and my own mother betrayed, gaslighted,scapegoated me all my life.
    Now,
    I had been goingbthrough a spiritual awalening, and in august of 2011, i spoke with my daughter and told her i loved her no matter what. I was not a perfect mom but i was a goid mom and i asked her to forgive me for anything that i did that hurt her feelings or made her ever feel less than…and i asked her to just be honest andvadult with me. If she wants a relationship with me, then have one, stop scapegosting me. I can no longer darry tgat baggage,bfor that baggage is hers. I saud, i raised you to be strong and have self acceptance and integrity.
    I said, if you do jot want an honest relationship, then i will honor that as well, i just can no longer carry this weight, that is hers and she can choose what to do with it.
    I told her that i was no longer playing the back and forth emotional roller coaster with her. My heart simpky stays broken, and its not fair.
    She told me shecwas ready and hapoy we could build a relationship now tgat she was no longer on drugs andcwanted sobriety…UNTIL OCTOBER 17, just 2 months after that conversation and two consecutive months of her going over 100 dollars on her phone that was on mine and my husbands plan…( my husband has been so loving and giving to her over the years. Him and i married in 2002.)
    But she did this and she got mad at me for telling her it was unacceptable
    The next day i called my mother…thats right…i was still in that relationship…(i was such a schumk) and i told her what had transpired andcasked her if my daughter contacted her,,,she said
    YES AND SHE HAS ANOTHER PHONE BUT I CANNOT GIVE YOU HER NUMBER….
    I took a deep breath…i shook ftom head to toe…i said veryvcalmly…almostcetherucally..
    I refuse to allow your lies and scapegoating. I am coming over… and she hung up…i called her back…she did not pick up…i went over there….no answer…i wrote letters…nobreply…they changed tgeircemaiks ir blocked me…blocked fb…i was stunned…i was in shock…
    This is narcissistic behavior 101 and i finally woke up to my own self worth.
    I am 62…i have no family.
    My hubands family have all passed away…
    Being exiled…is where you find yourself…once you accept unconditionally….that to love…is but a memory…for that love is no longer in a relationship…
    It is a love that will echo eternally…for my soul is eternal…and my daughter and my mother are loved. I know they betrayed me and gaslighted me terribly…but you just dont turn off love….
    I felt lije something was wrong with me for still loving ky mother but…i realuzed…i had forgiven my mother every time for everything…i held no anger just wanted a relationship….well.
    My stepfather died in 2006, i was there holding his hand. I had forgiven him.
    It matters not whatever hapoened…what matters is how you allow it to define you.
    I guess what i am saying is…forgive yourself and put it all in the grave…and allow your grief to fill it in…then walk away…and do not look back….
    I am grateful for knowing the love that lives in my heart for a daughter that i pray…..is creating an amazing adventure and calling it her delightful life…for maybe now…she is happy…
    All i know…is I am….even though i miss her…i realized longcago…i have been missing this 18 year old child for 30 years…grieving…complete…she turned 45 this year….time does go on…but the echoes soften…if you llow them to do so…
    I love your blog and thank you for listening and giving room to moms that grieve,….no matter the story….i look forward to sharing the journey….
    And thank you for visiting my world at Sagacity…Namaste’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Deb….what a wonderful heart you have. What a story you also have shared as well. There is so much pain, hurt and sorrow that goes with it all. It’s little wonder that you grieve. It’s amazing that you still love but, I know where you are coming from and why because I feel the same way in spite of my own mother’s abuse and my father’s neglect as well as my daughter’s “entitlement” and narcissistic behaviour. It’s sad, pathetic but, as you’ve said so wisely, it’s their choice and therefore, it’s their bags to hold now.

      I do try to remember that I’ve done my “job” as a mother and so have you. I was also abused as a child but, forgave my mother and even my father who allowed it continue without stepping in. Both have gone now but, I realized that it was doing me more harm than good to hang onto that feeling of hurt, pain, anger, grief and sorrow for what “might have been but, wasn’t”.

      Perhaps, our biggest flaws in both being daughters and mothering was that we didn’t set boundaries for ourselves? Perhaps, we allowed ourselves to be used as doormats for these people in our lives, especially our daughters? I think my forehead has Doormat written across it for all to see and use, abuse and take for granted. The harder I try, the worse things get in Life for me it seems.

      I think we both have daughters who were given far too much of us, including unconditional love and they took not only that love for granted but, us as foot rags to wipe their feet on. Perhaps, one of the reasons that your daughter took that stance with your mother and having your mother hide her from you was because both of them found common ground? They both knew that what they did together would hurt you and they did it, together? I’m sorry to say this as I don’t mean it to come out the way that it’s going to sound but, it seems that both your mom and your daughter have some sort of emotional disorder that causes them to understand and use one another? I don’t believe for a moment that your daughter didn’t use your mother and vice versa, your mother, use your daughter. Both used one another for the purposes of hurting you. One served the other well in that purpose however, that relationship, now that your daughter no longer has contact with you, may have frayed a bit because there’s no common ground? I hope I am right on that one.

      Perhaps, the biggest thing that we can learn as mothers, daughters and people in general is that unconditional love is for those who show us that in return. For those who don’t, we need to set limits as to how much we’re willing to do for them?
      I know that the more I do, the more I am used and abused by not just my daughter but, others as well. I need boundaries and I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Maybe, it’s the same for you? Maybe, you also need more boundaries with anyone in your life or those who enter it now? I know that it’s what I need. No one will ever get unconditional love from me again. It’s going to be more balanced. It’s going to be conditional on the way that they treat me.

      I’m learning from this experience with my daughter that really, this has more to do with her than it does with me. As you’ve so wisely said, she made the choice. Yes, it hurts. I’m in pain and I grieve for what could have been and wasn’t or isn’t. However, I’m also learning that the more we give to others, the more that they will take from us. Eventually, given enough, they will simply take and kick us when they’re done…at least, until they need something again. I think I am done giving and giving without expecting something from others in return. It doesn’t matter how small it is but, mostly, I want RESPECT. That’s the one thing that I haven’t demanded for myself with both my daughter and others.

      My best wishes go out to you. And, I thank you for sharing your story. I cried as I read it. As one wise therapist told me many years ago now, if I were to write my life into a book, people would see it as a fiction piece, not reality or a true story. I see yours as real but, I also feel your pain and suffering.

      HUGS…just many HUGS from one broken mother to another.
      XO XO XO

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  3. I also am grieving the loss of a daughter-for 11 yrs. now, not because of drugs or son-in-law. She is seen as a wonderful person, has a wonderful husband. raised my grandchildren in church, lives a wonderful life. She was my only child, which I regret, because I am totally alone now. I raised her by myself and thought we were so close It all started in her teens when she became cold and sometimes cruel verbally to me. She got married and I only saw them at holidays. After she was married for 20 yrs., they came one Christmas, went home and she suddenly stopped taking my calls. She dumped me by emails and letters. I begged her to come talk to me. let me know what I had done and try to work it out. She wouldn’t. Initially, I wrote letters, begging her to talk to me. She never answered and I have heard from others that she hasn’t even opened them. She has told others that we had a fight, but that is a lie. I am a member of a FB community of mothers like me. So many of them seem to be finding acceptance and peace with it and are moving on with their lives, but I can’t. I have been so depressed and sometimes suicidal this whole 11 yrs. I just can’t accept that a child can do this, especially when the parent is the only one she has ever had. My grandchildren are now grown and haven’t reached out to me either. I am 73 yrs. old, live on social security, unable to work, and don’t have kids that will help me. She is living in luxury, and does not care if I live or die. I never had a good relationship with my mother and we didn’t talk for awhile sometimes, but I never even considered the thought of putting her out of my life. The older I got, the more I loved her and understood what she had gone through in her life, and my heart went out to her. I had no idea this has become an epidemic. I thought I was alone in this, and it helps so much to know I’m not. even though I feel for everyone of you.

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    1. OMG Glynda…no…you are NOT alone at all and my heart goes out to you as one mother grieving to another.

      I can so relate to what you’ve been saying in terms of being suicidal and not getting over it, her being your only child as well as wondering what happened to have caused this with your daughter. People don’t tend to believe mothers like us a lot of the time. They figure that the child has to be right and we did do something to cause it. Of course, a lot of us never know what it was that has caused this type of treatment of us to happen. This is especially, true of those of us who had only children.

      I can also relate to my own mother being difficult to deal with as she was an alcoholic. The same as you did, I never thought of ousting my mother from my life either. I did stop speaking to her for 2 weeks once but, only to cool off so that I wouldn’t be mean to her when she was drunk and nearly let my daughter die but, that was the extent of my “distancing myself” from her. I missed out as well on what I wanted and needed from the relationship with my mother and I was there for my daughter in the total opposite ways that my mother was there for me. I mothered my mother for all intents and purposes as she was often too drunk to care for even herself most days.

      It sounds to me like your daughter started her issues way back in her teens. Perhaps, it was a personality disorder on her part? Maybe, it was an inner issue that she, herself, never did deal with? Whatever the cause, I don’t think it was that one Christmas but rather a culmination of things, building up within her.

      I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off, never having had a child? That sounds cold, I know but, like you, I cannot get past this. The biggest part is not really understanding why they do this, isn’t it? We don’t now why and I think that bugs us more than anything else, right?

      Knowing that we’re not alone does help. I know that I am not alone in this type of treatment but, like you, it doesn’t make it any easier, does it? I think that to be especially true of those parents who have other children to focus on or those who are around them to help as well. You and I both know that our daughters really had no reason to do what they’ve done. This is cold-hearted, mean, ill and just plain wrong.

      I know that a lot of parents look at the situation and believe that they are ‘better off” without the “toxic child” as part of their lives. I applaud them for being able to get to that point. There are times when I feel that way but, it quickly disappears. Part of that, i think, is that I don’t have another child (as you don’t), a support group of friends or relatives that can take her place nor, do we understand the why’s behind it all. It’s angering to be ignored with unanswered/unread letters that you’ve taken the time to write to her, isn’t it? Again, we don’t know why. it’s as though we don’t exist to them.

      Sadly, I don’ t know if you have any access to your grandchildren but, I’m wondering if perhaps, you can build a relationship with them instead? Maybe, if it’s possible, reaching out to them might be the way to have a relationship with them? Kids often don’t reach out to those who their parents have little to no regard for. It takes us to generate the communication.

      I do hope that you’ve written your daughter out of your Will and left whatever you have to either charity or somewhere else? I’m about to do that within the next month or so. We are also living on a pension now as well so, what we do have is not great but, I will not let someone who has treated me this way, get anything that belonged to us. It’s a small thing but, it’s a small way of me putting what she’s doing to us into perspective.

      There definitely aren’t substitutes for our child/children is/are there? Feeling alone in Life can be one of the hardest things for all of us to feel as human beings. All of the work, effort, thought, energy and whatever we’ve put into our child/children seem wasted, doesn’t it?

      Yet, there’s one question that keeps me going:
      “If this were anyone else in my life…what would I do or feel about them?”
      It doesn’t always help the situation or take away the pain that I feel but, that answer does put it into perspective a bit more when I answer:
      “If she were anyone else, doing this to me, I’d be bidding her a good wished farewell. I wouldn’t ever allow this person back into my life!”

      Perhaps, your daughter (and mine) are mentally/emotionally challenged in some way? The mere fact that your daughter was very measured in her visits and limited them to holidays is saying, “I did my duty, now shove off.’

      I must find that Facebook group though. I’d even like to start a new blog where Parents of Estranged Children can come and talk with each other, getting tips and hints as to how to deal with/cope with this situation. It’s by far, not a pleasant place to be, is it?

      Just know that simply because your daughter doesn’t have the capability to see how she’s cut off someone wonderful, doesn’t mean that others can’t see and know you as a wonderful person and love you. Sometimes, the people who help us the most through life, are not blood or DNA related. We can choose our friends but, we cannot choose our families, can we?

      HUGS Glynda…from one sad mom to another.
      We WILL get through this!
      XO

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear your pain, it’s so sad that you’re dealing with this loss. I lost my teenage son for 2 weeks and it broke my heart. I cannot imagine how it would be to loose your child for years. I am grateful we had a happy outcome but it was a reminder how fragile relationships are and how we have no control over other’s choices and actions. I hope there is a happy outcome for you at some time in the future and that you have the strength to find joy in the life you have until that time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much, Lindy.

      Even a couple of days is hard to get through, isn’t it?

      In the teen years, we expect more instability and possibilities like this. As they age further though, we don’t expect to have this type of thing happen. I think that’s what’s hurting me most right now. There’s not really a chance of her “growing out of it” so to speak as your son did.

      I am truly, truly happy for you that things did work out and I hope that they continue to be well.

      I thank you ever so much for your wishes and hopes for me and my situation as well as your empathy and reaching out to me with your own inner experiences for that time frame. It takes a brave person to dip within their own experiences and feelings to help others. Thank you! Thank you!

      Hugs…from me to you.

      Like

  5. Beautifully written, and from your heart. Our son, at the age of 42 suddenly decided not to be a part of our life anymore. I could see it coming. It started when he met his wife. The warning signs were there. She refused to visit us, the first 10 years of their relationship. And my son allowed it to happen. It was the beginning of him turning his back to us. As the years went by, we swallowed our pride over and over again… for the sake of the family. He shed his last name, took on hers. Although we have five grandchildren, and they all loved to visit us, one of whom we raised till she was three, his sons were not allowed to visit us… because she refused. Of course, with family, they came, but never alone. I could go on and on… but the breaking point was when my husband began to show signs of dementia. I asked my son to help me, and also to be more understanding and patient with his father. And since then he’s gone and broke all contact. But contrary to you… I don’t believe I want this young man in my life anymore. A person that can be so cruel, so selfish,… No thank you. I believe, maybe God protects us from more hurt, by removing toxic people out of our lives. I think this was the situation in my case. Bless you… breathe through, and embrace those who are kind to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Angelika, I wanted to respond yesterday when you sent me your comment but, was under the weather and went to lay down.

      First of all, I wanted to thank you ever so much for sharing your experiences and feelings with me. Would you believe that I found myself, crying upon reading your story? I did. I can’t believe what you’ve been through and what your son has put you through. More to the point, I can’t believe that when you reached out for his understanding towards his father, he completely disappeared from your lives. That, of course, is not solely his decision. This She-Devil *as I will call her* he married is a great part of that stance but, like you’ve said, he chose to allow it and act with that malice towards his father and his mother.

      I’m going to say something here that I normally wouldn’t say about anyone. Keep in mind that I am saying it, not you or your husband. From what I can see, by him, having taken this woman’s last name, forsaking his own (versus her keeping her last name if she’s a feminist) says to me that this woman has his genitals in her pocket as well as his backbone. Again though, he chose to allow her to take them and is allowing himself to be lobotomized by this woman.

      I hear the anger in your tone but, I also hear the hurt and pain. Eventually, what these children don’t realize is that hurt and pain will turn to anger in everyone, not just you as his parent. To reach out and find someone you should be able to get the most help from and find him having walked away during your hours of need, is beyond all exceptions. When he needed his diapers changed, food in his mouth, liquids and I’m sure more than I could even begin to account for that you’ve done for him, you were there for him. Now that you could use at least some help and understanding, he’s disappeared. The entire situation with your grandchildren is totally ridiculous as well as another show of your son’s castration by this woman (again, my words, not yours). I am angry for you.

      Having said all of that, I agree with what you’ve said so very wisely. Perhaps, we are being spared the toxicity of those who would do more harm than good to us and within our lives?

      I’m sure that there will come a day when your son will need help from his own children and perhaps, they won’t be there for him either? I know that I don’t plan on even attempting to ask my daughter for anything should I need any help. I will go to strangers, instead if I have to. I am simply grieving the loss of my daughter but, like you, I am getting to the point where I know I will turn a corner and not want anything further to do with her. It’s just going through the stages, I suppose.

      Thank you ever so much again, I truly, truly appreciate knowing that I am not alone out here. HUGS from one mom to another. XO

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear grieving mother heart, now it’s my turn to cry… and damn… I thought I had that behind me. But still, your words were a balsam to my soul. I haven’t spoken this candidly to many people, so it was like opening a wound again, but to just bleed out those last specks of dirt, no more than that. I thank you for validating my feelings, my thoughts, my hurt… without having to state … ‘you must have done something’. I think mothers who love their child and don’t receive any love in return (in their later years – since all young children love their mothers), can truly understand the futility and perplexity of this situation. Although not many of my friends actually said it, I have seen and felt in their expressions, the question – ‘you must have done something”. No, that is the sad part… we mustn’t have done anything for our adult child to be like this. I want to share with you a quote that makes me stop … and usually gives me instant relief: – ‘Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you even give a fuck.’ – Lol… so on the brighter side, see it helped me already; I just want to say, I’m glad we have connected. I love your beautiful warm heart, and how you respond, despite your own hurt, to all the brokenhearted mothers here. I will move on now… and thanks to your moving post; the last specks of dirt have been washed out. You have found a friend in me, Angelika

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Angelika, I am honoured to call you “My Friend”!

          I don’t believe that there are many parents with estranged adult children who deserve this type of treatment from their child. Even those who have been addicts or willfully neglected their children haven’t been necessarily treated this way by their child/children. Not many parents deserve the type of treatment that we are enduring from our children. The simplicity is that we did NOTHING wrong to them. More to the point, we were there for them at every step of the way, taking care of them and loving them.

          To anyone who has the nerve to even insinuate that we’ve done something to deserve this type of treatment from our children, I say, “you’re just one step away from it happening to you. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.” (I do like your phrasing best though!)

          In all honesty, we are simply parents who are human beings who raised our child/children with love and our best intentions. Nothing we say, said, did or didn’t do, was the cause of these estrangements and in the same way, there’s nothing we can say, think, do or not do that will change their minds UNTIL/UNLESS they wish to change their minds. The question will be…will WE be willing and ready to accept them back into our lives if they did so?

          I think people tend to side with the child because they don’t know what else to blame since it is such a heartless, cruel act for a child to have done to their parents. It’s as though there has to be something that we’ve done wrong to them to have caused it otherwise, no child would do this. Of course, we know different. We know that we raised our children the same, better or equal to everyone else who has raised their children and we know the truth. We did nothing to deserve this from them. It was their own choices in Life that have created this distance. Not us. Not anything that we’ve done wrongly.

          I am so glad that you have been able to wash out the last specks of dirt from a good cry. I am hoping to get there myself soon. I’m sure that I will. I simply need to go through the grief stages which are complicated by the fact that our children chose their paths away from us for whatever reasons they have and have justified those choices within themselves. It may bite them in the behinds one day with their own children for they are teaching them that parents are disposable once their needs are met. Sadly, our children are leading their own children by example and may end up one day on the receiving end of similar treatment. We never know.

          Please stay well and I will be here, writing away on this topic or others. Thank you for being you!

          HUGS… XO XO XO

          Liked by 2 people

          1. You are SOOOO right…would we want them back in our lives. I used to beg God to bring them to my door…i would gladly open it to them…but that was then…
            Now…i have a matured heartache…
            I have a clean pair of eyes…and although i love fiercely my daughter, trust is an issue. My mother i simply pray for…she has torn me to my soul….i have forgiven her, for i did tgat my whole life…that was easy…the hardest part was to see her truly for what she is…a very insecure and shameful woman. I wish her the best..period.
            I truly could not freely trust them with my feelings any longer.
            There are no winners in these stories for sure…but there are stories of strength and courage…
            Huggs and Blessings…😀

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Dont ever blame your-self if you know you did your best by your daughter I have four children I treated them all the same but my youngest daughter was a nightmare the stress she put me through and the things she did hurt me deeply I started to look at myself I always loved her but I didn’t always like her its easy for people to give advice when its not their child Some children have to learn the hard way as a parent you just want to protect them the only advice I can give is let her do it her way just leave the door open so she knows she can come home keep your chin up try to carry on with life not forget your dayghter

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so very much Smithzk77 for all of your loving, kind advice and sharing.
      I have to remind myself that at a certain point, we are not the sole influence on our children. As a matter of fact, we have little influence over their choice, behaviours or anything else that they do or don’t do in their lives. It’s taken me awhile to get to the point where I’m not tearing myself as a person or a parent to shreds over it all.
      HUGS to you as one mom to another.

      Liked by 1 person

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