I started off to write another celeb piece but, stopped and deleted it. It’s not that I don’t want to do it and I will do it next but, right now, I want to wallow in self-pity for a moment before I get back to my regularly scheduled life and blog.
It was my estranged daughter’s 35th birthday this past week. I wanted to reach out and let her know that she was being thought about. I would love to have said, “loved” but, it’s been a couple of years since she walked away and has had no contact with her father and I. Don’t get me wrong, I do love her but, the longer this choice of hers goes on, the more I’m beginning to feel as though I wasted nearly 36 years of my life since I got pregnant with glee to have her as part of my life. I wonder why I even wanted a child. For what I have been left with, I could have slept more, had a career that was on the upswing, a lot more money, travelled a lot more to exotic and historical places, read books that didn’t start with small words like cat and dog, spoken in full adult sentences, been walking in high heels on city streets versus running shoes on mud in a farmer’s field, chasing down 4 other children left in my charge on a school trip and so much more. Maybe, I would have still stayed up until 2 or 4 a.m. but, it likely would have been because I was out, having fun rather than rocking a colicky baby to sleep for hours, wiping a little one’s snotty nose, holding hair up while she puked in a toilet after having drank too much while out with friends or mixing alcohols. My life could have been so different and had I known then what I know now, I likely would have chosen to say, “tie those tubes,” and been done with childbearing before it even began. Hindsight though is always 20/20, isn’t it?
I feel like I have been a victim to a player all of these years and I have no control over my heart or fate because I chose to become a mom. Once a mom, always a mom but, am I? That’s the question that I have poured over and over again in my mind all of this week. Did I really give birth to a child? Where is she? I don’t remember having put her up for adoption and going on with my life but, what do I have to show for the love, time, energy, effort, money, care, concern and everything else that I poured into my daughter? It’s nowhere to be found. There’s no trace of it except for some photos to prove that I ever did have a child. There are no phone calls. She’s blocked her father and I from calling her, texting, emailing, Facebook Private Messenging her so, what is left? I suppose as we age, there will be no child here to help us out as we see with others with children either. To the best of my knowledge, we have no grandchildren and likely never will or wouldn’t know about them or them us, if we did have any.
At any age it’s extremely hard to say the words, “I wasted those years of my life”. Fact is though, I did. I threw away all of those years. None of them count for anything other than I have proof in photos that I brought another human being into this world but, she no longer is part of my world in any way. She’s somewhere else with one messed up, sick, warped person and she’s gone down his path with him, forsaking her past, us, her family on both sides and all of her close friends. In effect, she’s chosen to “un-parent us” and everyone else she ever knew as quickly and simply as she can un-friend someone on Facebook.
Now, I’m left struggling to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
I’m over 60 years of age as is my husband. We aren’t wealthy by any means of the word and, the money that we spent on that child we raised, is gone. We are now living on a pension and money that we’ve saved up for retirement. There isn’t time nor, energy or the money to start all over again. Would I be able to go back, I would. This time, I’d have chosen either to have no child or, I would have adopted more to concentrate on since I couldn’t have anymore children of my own.
Between her birthday and Christmas coming up, this isn’t the time of year to feel cheerful about your child being estranged from you when you have no real family left (most have died or moved away) and your child has blocked you in every conceivable way. I can’t even pretend she’s in another country without communication abilities. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I know the truth. This has all left me feeling like a victim instead of a parent.
I do know one thing. I know that I do not want to keep on feeling this way or go on living in the same area I grew up in that everyone else has left. I do have at least one plan that I hope will lead into many more.
I am looking for another home to move to and likely another city. I want a change. I know that I cannot run from my past or myself nor can I hide away from the pain but, I think a change is a start for the rest to follow.
- I want a new start, fresh with no memories attached. The longer I stay in the same surroundings the more I feel like both a victim and a failure, memories surrounding me of not only my daughter but, of the family and friends who have passed on or moved far away.
- New friends are strangers we’ve yet to meet. I hope to gather a new set of friends as well. My old friends have all moved or they were tied into our children. They are now grandparents for the most part or are going to be soon.
- I hope to join groups where I will meet others as well as hopefully, become involved in new endeavours. Moving out of an expensive city may afford a bit more money into our savings and allow us to travel.
- Where we are now, is of a differing culture and age brackets with children or seniors. It’s my hope to find more within our age group.
- There’s nothing holding us here any longer. There’s no reason not to try a change but everything to lose.
Having a change of house, area, culture, city and hopefully, new friends, endeavours and a bit more money in our pockets might be worthy of the upheavals it will most certainly cause temporarily. It won’t be easy but, I’d hate our next move to be to a nursing home or a cemetery. I want to enjoy life and damn it….from my little corner of life to yours, I believe that I deserve it now.
Please take the time to comment below. Your thoughts mean a lot as do your experiences.
Be well. Love and Light.
Have a great day or evening.