AUDIO VERSION: (Transcript below for those who prefer to read but, will differ somewhat from the audio version.)
I’m about to start doing the opposite to what I have been doing because, as Albert Einstein has been quoted as saying,
“The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result.”
Lesson learned by me now and it’s high time that I stopped repeating the same mistakes over and over again while being kicked while on the ground already due to other’s needs, wants and demands.
Recently, a neighbour behind me, had to take her husband to the hospital. He’s in ICU. I called her mom who was concerned but, at home while they couldn’t stabilize her son-in-law. I don’t know what is happening but, I do get the sense that he’s still in hospital. I wonder whether I will even know what has happened?
Topping that off are about 5 or 6 others in my life whom I’ve shown concern about in many different ways, not the least of which included buying them what they needed, making merchandise for their businesses to help them out, paying for materials and let’s not forget my time and energy in doing so for them. I’ve also made so many calls that I have now have cauliflower ears from hours on the phone. My shoes are worn out from going back and forth to them. I have carpel tunnel syndrome as well from emailing, texting and private messaging them about their issues. The list is endless and I’m certain that I’m not the only one who does this type of thing.
After begging to get updates on things with people because I don’t want to keep intruding upon their time or calling them if they’re resting or have company and being told, “I forgot to….(fill in the blank),” and getting no calls or visits and therefore, not bringing me up to date, I densely came to realize that these people plain and simply were not interested in anything more than their own issues or themselves. Once out of the situation that required my solicited or unsolicited help and concern, they had moved onto others and their own lives again. In other words, I was only significant as long as I was doing what they wanted me to do or needed done or given. That saddened me beyond belief to know that I was only thought of when there were problems and I was wanted or needed to solve them for these people. In other words, I was nothing to them unless I was doing what they needed or wanted done. I was and am a “doormat” and forgotten the rest of the time.
A lot of thinking later, I realized that it really hadn’t mattered whether I’d done things “the right way” by caring far more than I should have done or, whether I’d completely done what I wanted to do or not do and left it there, right or wrong, I came to one conclusion.
Do the opposite of what I had been doing because what I had been doing wasn’t working for me but, rather against me.
It may sound counter-productive and even perhaps, mean but, the reality was that being everyone’s subordinate, servant and sap, wasn’t working and honestly, doesn’t work in anyone’s favour. It’s a panacea for feeling good at the time that you’re helping someone out but, that’s all that it really is. Frankly, had I not done what I have done, someone else would have or, the person themselves, would have figured out a way around their so-called crises situations. I wasn’t a heroine or a god. I was a forgettable moron who gave to the point of being wrong while trying to be right. Not only that but, these types of people have actually become annoyed when I have said “I’m sorry but, I’m sick and can’t help right now.” This is where I came to realize that they weren’t looking at me as a “good person” so to speak, who did them some tremendous favours. They were looking at me as though I was their maid, or butler or servant. These things weren’t favours any longer. They were my jobs!
If I hear, “I forgot” one more time, I think I’m going to hit someone or at the least, kick a wall as I don’t relish an assault charge or prison for it.
If someone can tell me with a reasonable, understandable, rational explanation for how it is that people you’ve done so much for to help them because you hate seeing anyone in any sort of pain, despair or trouble, can utter the words, “I forgot (about you)”, I’d be forever grateful because I cannot fully fathom how it is that people can use someone else like that and suddenly “forget” what they’ve gotten from their saviour and with it, forget the person who did it all. How does that happen? I’m still trying to figure that one out. The only conclusion that I can come to is that they appreciate what you do for them but, they don’t exactly appreciate you for having done it. That is why they don’t think to call you when everything is going better or they’ve moved onto other issues in their lives.
I think what gets me most are those who never will invite you to anything good but, will surely remember you when they want something from you in any way. In other words, that “I forgot” is code that can be translated into “I didn’t need anything from you so, I couldn’t be bothered.” The other scenario of not inviting you to anything good, fun or happy other than when they want you there because you’re a crutch or, will bring something they want or need is likely more in line with the idea that you were never tops on their list of people to do things with or, you are only thought of as a rescuer and not much more.
I find that when my phone goes silent, my doorbell doesn’t ring and people aren’t inviting me to things, they all must be fine or they’ve found others to do their bidding for them instead.
For the most part, those who don’t grace your presence or ear unless they need something from you, are those who you won’t hear from until or unless there’s something wanted or needed. These are not friends nor family or people you want around you. This is especially true of those whom you’ve done a lot for or, given a lot to and yet, unless they need or want something, you never hear from them. That’s usually an indication that they’re doing fine or they’ve found others to do their dirty work for them instead of you. On the one hand, I click my heels together in pure joy that no news is good news or that they’ve found someone else to burden with their woes but, on the other hand, I am both hurt and shocked that I’m not thought of other than in times of their need for me. That’s a kick in the rear for me to learn.
So, what am I going to do about this type of situation and these types of people now?
- No more going out on a limb for anyone anymore.
- If it doesn’t suit me and my schedule, I’m not available. “I’m sorry but, I cannot help you,” will be my constant mantra.
- Doing something once is a favour. Doing it over and over again, is a job. No more jobs.
- I’m going to ask for a favour in return and do so, right away, even if I don’t need it done. It’s re-inforcement that if I do for you, I expect something in return even if it’s a small favour that I’m asking and doesn’t add up to what I’ve done for you.
- Learning the word or sound, “awwwww…I hope that everything is ok” and leaving it there. No more following up to see how things are going or going out of my way to find out. Like they say, “Ignorance is bliss,” or “what I don’t know, can’t hurt me.” If I don’t know about it, I can’t get involved or hurt.
- I’m also practising the well-worn phrasing that I’ve received over and over again, “I forgot”. This one is important because anything that’s worthwhile or we care about, isn’t simply “forgotten” time and time again. Therefore, what I do for others and is “forgotten”, proves that it really wasn’t that important to them nor, was I.
- Let everyone go down their own paths for the most part. We all have lessons that we need to learn. I’m ready to stop taking those lessons away from others by giving them what they want or need. Doing so only deprives them of well earned growth. Stop taking that away from them even if they think I’m being mean.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or more) shame on me. How true that rings at this moment as I begin to learn that letting others take advantage of me is all that is truly happening. The shame is and has been on me all along. No more of that type of being or living.
- Realizing that in any given situation, I am only getting part of a story and not its entirety which would likely change how I look at the situation and therefore, what I do in it. I’m assuming that I will only know what they want me to know and not fall for it unless it’s proven that the person truly is alone and does need help. Even then, my help should only extend to the point where I give them what they need to get proper help.
- If you don’t invite me for the good times, don’t expect me to be waiting around to hear from you during the bad times or when you need or want something. I won’t be there. If I’m not good enough to have fun with or to update me nor to share other parts or your life, I won’t be available during the less than stellar portions either. Why expect me to be? Include me as a person in both times or it’s none.
This is my lesson or path that I need to take now in order to “grow” as a person. I’m wasting away here in Nowhereville by giving out all of this emotion, energy, thought, time, money and struggles while no one I’ve done this for has really given a damn. Since I am being hurt and walked on, it’s a flourishing and far healthier attitude and set of behaviours to have to not allow myself to be taken for granted or what I do for others.
From my little corner of life to yours, doing the “right thing” (quote, un-quote) isn’t always the right thing. In a lot of cases for you and the other persons involved, it’s the wrong thing. Do the opposite and see what happens.
I will be writing more about this as I try it out. It’s a new path for me and a new way of being but, it’s one that has to be done for my own sake as well as those of others. Any future relationships, acquaintanceships or friendships that I form, will not be based upon me doing, giving or worrying about others and their needs or wants. It will be based upon mutual respect, doing for each other and being included in the good times or, nothing at all.
Comments? Thoughts? Comment below, please. I think we all feel this to some extent or another even if it’s only with our immediate families.
Be well. Love and Light,
Have a great day or evening.