AUDIO BLOG: Transcript below.
I’m sure that I’m not alone in having travelled the net in search of something that helps me get through my nights and days, only to find that there’s more out there written by estranged adult children, whining, crying and complaining about their estrangement from their self-diagnosed “narcissistic” parent(s).
There’s a volcano that tends to erupt internally as I see the words these adult children are tossing around while describing their parents, commiserating with one another and labelling their parents as “narcissistic” or “toxic” because the parent said something like, “you kids are all that I have in my old age.”
The word “narcissist” and “toxic” are being used by adult children who are so misguided that they cannot see that their labels are not only incorrectly used towards their parents but that their friends and partners are far more damaging than their parents ever could be or dream of being. One even went so far as to blame her parents for her tastes in partners who have beaten and abused her then, said that it was her mother who caused her to have those tastes because she had spoken badly about a friend she was with but was nice with her. I think my jaw dropped down to my knees and frankly, had that woman been in front of me (she was 57 years of age by the way), I would have slapped her at that moment.
While I agree whole heartedly that there are abusive, negligent and narcissistic parents out there in this world, I would also argue that it’s a rarity more than it’s a reality for most. The amount of adult children who have estranged themselves from their parents out of a self-diagnosis of narcissism or abuse or toxicity, without ever having entered a therapist’s office or if they did, it was for one session and they went to YouTube or some other net produced piece where they put 2 and 2 together to get 5 and called it correct, is simply astounding to say the least.
There are a lot of messed up kids running around out there in today’s world. Social media, instant Dr. Google and others who are looking for a source of blame rather than themselves as the true source are diagnosing their parents then, labelling them with some pretty serious disorders and accusing them of some really tough stuff because these kids can’t cope with Life and recognize that they are to blame for their own choices or lack of them. Not the parent(s).
What happens though when their parents die? Do they see reality and feel regret and remorse or do they go on blaming the now deceased parents forever? At what age do they grow up and realize that it was their own choices or lack of them that had created their world and all that’s in it, not their parent(s)? Does such a time ever come? If so, what good does it do the parent(s) who have gone to their graves, never knowing why their child or children estranged themselves?
There’s something that I’d like to say to these estranged adult children.
Dear Adult Estranged Child:
You can distance yourself right out of your parent(s) life or lives. You can label them with a self-delusional title or many in order to justify your distance from your parents and staying out of their lives. However, let it be said that the titles that you’re giving or accusing your parents of being are not accurate and are self-diagnosed. Simply because you can find, cut and fit yourself and your parents into something you’ve read or seen on the internet, doesn’t mean that you’re correct. There’s a lot of crap, garbage and misinformation out there or put out there by some really misguided sources in order to make money or be self-serving.
When or if the parent(s) that you’ve estranged yourself from have asked you point-blankly what it is that you feel that they’ve done that is so bad that you have needed to remove them from your life, have you been able to give proper, full and complete answers or have you come up with vague answers to none? The same goes for examples of what they’ve allegedly done to you that was so bad for you to have handed out such a sentence to those parents who likely gave you everything that you had, including health, clothing, food, shelter and many extras that you enjoyed. Can you answer their questions with point blank, understandable examples or are you so unable to answer those questions that you ignore them completely? If you haven’t responded, cut them off of contacting you, why have you done so without explanation? Could it be because you have no real answers for them and you know that the watered down versions or examples that you would give to them, also sound silly, stupid and yes, even selfish as well as self-centred?
You can go on blaming your parents for everything that you don’t like about yourself or your life but, do you realize that you’ve made choices, decisions or not made proper ones for yourself and that your parent’s influences over you, long ago were so watered down as to be non-influential upon you? In fact, your choices, decisions or lack of them, have more to do with you, your sense of entitlement as well as looking for a scapegoat in order for you not to take responsibility for making changes or other choices within yourself as well as your own life. Do you realize that much about yourself and your life and possibly, even whomever you’ve chosen to be your partner in this life of yours? Unless you were in an arranged marriage of some kind, you chose them. If they have your head swayed against your parents because they can’t stand theirs or want you as only part of their family, you have a problem on your hands through your own choices.
Let’s look at it this way. Whether your parents chose to have you or not, the fact still remains that they not only raised you the best that they could or knew how but, they did everything for you during the time that you couldn’t do for yourself and likely, gave you more than they could afford to have given you. They likely walked the floor with you at night while colicky or sick or teething. If they couldn’t look after you, they ensured that someone else could and did. One way or another, your parents saw to it that you were taken care of. If they were to now say that they are aging and need help and it’s their turn, is it so horrific for them to be asking the child that they took care of for so many years? Why is it considered “bad” if you feel that way? Have you explained that to yourself or been able to even try to do so?
Your parents may not be perfect people. They have warts, flaws and faults too but, guess what? So do you. You may see it as your parents having created or caused your defects or poor decisions and choices but, is that the reality? Is it the truth or are you simply looking for a scapegoat on which to place blame or justify your poor choices in your life and others that surround you?
If you are a parent yourself, you’d better be damned sure that you’re doing everything 100% correctly or you could find yourself walking in your parents shoes with your own kids down the road. How will you feel then? Or, will you go back and say, “I’m flawed because of my parents”? Do you truly believe that your kids are going to believe that excuse given that you couldn’t accept your own parent’s imperfections? What goes around, comes around. Remember that much.
With all of that said, I wish you estranged adult children well because trust me, you’re going to need it in one way or another, at some point or another. If you think that because you got your parents out of your life, cutting them off like you’d cut off a nutcase on the street who haggled you and you couldn’t be bothered with, your life is going to be a smooth ride from here on out, think again. Your problems have just begun no matter what you think. Regrets and guilt live on for a long time as do consequences of your actions, decisions or lack of them. What then? Do you blame your deceased parents after their deaths for lack of an inheritance? Do you cry and curse at your parents when your own child or children walk out on you? Don’t think it can or will happen? Think again because your parents never thought it would happen to them either.
Good luck to you. I wish you all of the best because you’re going to need it. What goes around, comes around.
An Adult Child Estranged Mom
On that note, I will end this piece here but, for parents out there who are suffering the throes of these oftentimes, spoiled, entitled feeling and misguided adult children, my sincerest condolences. I know all too well what this feels like to have happen and it’s my wish that things will turn around and go well for you.
Be Well, Love and Light
Have a great day or evening.