AUDIO VERSION: (Transcript below but may differ slightly)
Have you ever wondered what it is that life has in store for you? I have. I’ve actually been so upset and frustrated that I’ve sat down and yelled, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME,” into thin air, aimed at nothing and no one except that which I was taught was all-knowing, all-seeing and was a Higher Power than we physical beings.
Of course, there’s no answer in return.
Heaven knows, over the years, I’ve filled journals with my ramblings, rants and whatever I’ve felt and thought at the time. Some have been fairly whiney while others have been what I would consider, optimistic given the circumstances at that time. I’ve had hope. I believed that something good would come out of all of the drama, troubles and losses that had built up in my life.
Years down the road, I’ve pulled out those journals and read the ramblings.
What I discovered is that some of the things that I was upset over, I could barely remember so, that part of things that people have said is true. However, other things, were still the same for me. I was still be bombarded with problems and they weren’t all mine. I was now not only worried about myself but, about many others as well and their problems. Worse than that, I noticed that my enthusiasm for making things happen had really lowered and my worries were not only the same things but, were also worse than they were back then. How could this be? Did the powers that be not listen to me? Had they not heard me or don’t they answer or intervene in this world? Were there any to begin with? I thought that there were but perhaps, I was mistaken, misled and may as well believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny while I’m at it.
The more I tried to control, the less control that I had. This was evident by the journal entries that seemed to go over the same things, time and time again, year after year. I’d tried just about everything that I could think of doing, including getting professionals involved with opinions and advice. None of it worked.
Maybe, I have it all wrong? Maybe, it’s time to give up on attempting to control everything? Perhaps, life happens as it happens and there’s little that any of us can do to improve our lot in life?
I’d heard the saying that we learn from everything that happens to us, both the good and the bad. However, at this point in my life, the bad was out-numbering the good and frankly, I don’t think that I’m learning anything new now. As a matter of fact, instead of being constructive learning, it’s become destructive. I am no longer growing as a person but, I’m regressing and coiling up in defeat. I’m not out there with boxing gloves on anymore, ready to take on the challenges of life but, I’m more willing to pull the blankets up over my head, wallow in bed and say, “crap…another day to get through.”
This isn’t me. I’m feisty and I’m not a quitter. As a matter of fact, my Late brother had denoted Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” as being my song. He always said that I was the one person he knew who wouldn’t give up and honestly, I didn’t. My brother wouldn’t be happy with my more recent attempts though. I have backed down on much more than I used to. That will to fight, to battle, to take up a challenge, has been watered down by a feeling of impotence.
Am I really impotent now or have I simply needed a rest in which to recuperate, rest and heal? I have had a lot of losses and everything that I’ve mustered up both the courage and determination to do has left me feeling less than victorious.
More than anything, the more that I try to do, the worse things have gotten. It shouldn’t be that way, should it but, it is. In other words, the harder I try, the more I do, the less successes that I have.
Is it time to give up and stop trying so hard? I mean, do my everyday chores and things, enjoy my hobbies but perhaps, it’s time for me to stop taking on everyone else’s problems, trying to help them solve theirs while no one tries or even blinks when I have one and could use a hand…not even those Higher Powers that I can’t bring myself to pray to anymore as it seems to do quite the opposite, bringing me more trouble and no help, nothing that answers my prayers or even questions. There’s simply more and more that goes wrong.
What about you? Does the more that you try, pray and hope, things go wrong?
Are you receiving help or are you bereft of friends, family and help?
What helps you?
Comment below, please. I’m sure that I’m not alone and your help might be what is needed by a lot of us.
From my little corner of life, I think we need to discuss this.
Be Well. Love and Light,
Have a great day or evening.