AUDIO VERSION: (Transcript below for those who prefer to read)
In a previous article, I wrote the following,
“Worse than that, a lot of parents are actually afraid of their own child or children. Part of this is because parents feel that if they’re not catering to their adult child’s every whim, need and want, they are being “bad parents” as trained in by the child and society. The other part is schooled into these kids via some “expert” bleeding heart psychologist, psychiatrist or a bunch of other whining adult children on the net where we know that there’s a lot of garbage housed. Meanwhile, they have treated their parents far worse than anything their parents could ever have done to them and consider it all as warranted. In other words, they rule the roost and they know it.”
It’s worthy of discussing this bit further because it’s the truth and reality.
Unless a parent were to have greatly abused a child or neglected them, which is the minority, not the majority, the estranged adult child has in effect, treated their parent(s) far worse than their parent(s) ever could have dreamed of doing to that child. Cold, harsh, estrangement from their parent(s) and possibly, other siblings is akin to a mini death that puts the parents into a perpetual state of grief, wonder as well as upset and anger. That is by far, the cruelest thing that they could do to a parent or parents and the sad thing is, they know that. It’s why they do it.
Estrangement is the ultimate revenge for the adult child who hasn’t grown up in spite of their chronological age. Few parents have done anything even remotely close to resembling those types of horrific actions with their adult child throughout that child’s life. However, let the parent estrange themselves from that adult child and the roof will cave in. Actually, several roofs will fall in. They will grind that parent or their parents down and into powder for having done so. Suffice it to say that the adult child knows that an act such as estrangement is akin to hurting the parent(s) beyond all belief. It’s the ultimate act of defiance and what they deem as “revenge” but, that is what they are aiming for in most cases. It’s a form of control or what they falsely believe is control. At first, it may seem that way to them but, left long enough, it becomes old hat and the parents will move forward in one or all ways. That begging, pleading and chasing will stop and therefore, so will the control that these adult bullies feel will endure forever over their parents. They are essentially, fooling themselves.
That’s not to say that there aren’t “bad parents” out there in this world and that the adult child needed to distance themselves from poor actions from their parents. What it is saying is that those types of parents are few and far between. There’s a tremendous amount of good parents out in this world who have had their adult child throw the equivalent of a giant temper tantrum and withdraw themselves so totally from their parent’s lives that it resembles a disappearance so total as to be labelled by their parents as a mini “death”. It leaves the parents in pain, grief, anger, upset, wonderment and a whole host of other emotions which all can be considered as punishment or revenge by that adult child. In effect, it’s much like taking the reigns and taking control towards hurting their parent(s) and is far harsher than anything that they could ramble off incoherently about what the parent(s) has or have done to them. It’s hurtful and they know it. That’s why they do it…besides being delusional that is.
Think back to the days of having given up everything that you, as a parent, needed to give up in order to give your little darling(s) what they needed and wanted. Take into account the sleep lost, the money given that could have gone elsewhere into making your life a little more at ease. Remember what you sacrificed for that child’s happiness and well being. Now, think about them having what equates to a giant temper tantrum as an adult because they didn’t get what they wanted, things got tougher than they want things to be or they plain and simply find someone else to be with who convinces them that you are bad in one way or another. Distancing themselves from the parents is not an act of kindness and thoughtfulness. It’s the act of an adult having a melt-down and deciding that the parents need “punishing” somehow. In other words, they distance themselves out of self-serving reasons and don’t care what it does to anyone else especially, their parents. As a matter of fact, the end result is to hurt their parents and possibly, other siblings at the same time. It’s totally and completely a self-serving method of punishment that they are doling out in the midst of an emotional outburst created by either not getting their own way or via someone else in their lives, having convinced them that there’s reason to do so.
“I need my space” may be uttered by some.
“I’m punishing you” can be thought by others.
No matter how they can phrase it, the truth is that their act of estrangement is analogous to being a spoiled child who is throwing a tantrum through anger and wanting to hurt their parents. Instead of parents giving their out of control child a “time out” in their bedrooms, the adult child is using the estrangement as a huge “time out” for the parents and the ill conceived notion that the parents somehow need to be punished. What they aren’t getting right is that the parent eventually let them out of their rooms once emotionally and physically calmed down enough to reason with. These adult estranged children don’t know where to draw the line on what is reasonable and what is purely hurting and frankly, they don’t care. It’s all about them, them and more them. It’s self-serving. It’s not adulthood. It’s an overgrown child’s way of getting back at their parents for their delusional version of what the parent needs punishing for. It’s totally related to self and that’s all that it is. It’s not an act of love. It’s not to teach the parent something. It’s all about what they want and feel that they aren’t getting from their parents. As a matter of fact, most of them cannot even give a reason why they are doing this because estrangement is so deranged an idea or act. There’s no real logic to it. It’s purely delusional on the adult child’s part as well as an “I’m not getting my way anymore” type of stance. Estrangement is far more hurtful to the parents than the screaming, crying or throwing things or themselves on the ground like they did when they were younger. It’s destructive not constructive. The shame in all of this is that deep down inside of themselves, they know this much and they intend it to be that hurtful. What they may not be thinking about is that these acts will eventually cause these adult kids to have to suffer the consequences of this choice. Meanwhile their parents are suffering through it now. No one wins with this type of immature action or reaction even if they think that they are misguiding themselves that they are on the winning side. They are not winning. They are losing.
From my little corner of life, there are consequences to every action that these estranged adult children are pulling on us right now. They simply don’t see it as that yet. They are far too focused on themselves, their partners, girlfriends, boyfriends or friends. They will one day, have to face the reality and the back-lash of their decisions. Whether parents are still alive or deceased, there’s no turning back the hands of time and getting that lost time back nor, are there apologies big enough to ever have their parents forget what these adult children have done or not done through their own choices and no matter what bogus and phoney sounding reasons or better said, excuses that they can give.
Parents are all only human. We can forgive but, we will not be able to forget.
Be well. Love and Light,
Have a great day or evening.