Estranged Adult Children Have Treated Their Parents Far Worse Than They Can Accuse Their Parents of Having Done

AUDIO VERSION: (Transcript below for those who prefer to read)

 

adult child temper tantrum
In effect, the estranged adult child is the same as a child, throwing a temper tantrum. 

 

In a previous article, I wrote the following,

“Worse than that, a lot of parents are actually afraid of their own child or children.  Part of this is because parents feel that if they’re not catering to their adult child’s every whim, need and want, they are being “bad parents” as trained in by the child and society.  The other part is schooled into these kids via some “expert” bleeding heart psychologist, psychiatrist or a bunch of other whining adult children on the net where we know that there’s a lot of garbage housed.  Meanwhile, they have treated their parents far worse than anything their parents could ever have done to them and consider it all as warranted.  In other words, they rule the roost and they know it.”

It’s worthy of discussing this bit further because it’s the truth and reality.

Unless a parent were to have greatly abused a child or neglected them, which is the minority, not the majority, the estranged adult child has in effect, treated their parent(s) far worse than their parent(s) ever could have dreamed of doing to that child.  Cold, harsh, estrangement from their parent(s) and possibly, other siblings is akin to a mini death that puts the parents into a perpetual state of grief, wonder as well as upset and anger.  That is by far, the cruelest thing that they could do to a parent or parents and the sad thing is, they know that.  It’s why they do it.

Estrangement is the ultimate revenge for the adult child who hasn’t grown up in spite of their chronological age.  Few parents have done anything even remotely close to resembling those types of horrific actions with their adult child throughout that child’s life.  However, let the parent estrange themselves from that adult child and the roof will cave in.  Actually, several roofs will fall in.  They will grind that parent or their parents down and into powder for having done so.  Suffice it to say that the adult child knows that an act such as estrangement is akin to hurting the parent(s) beyond all belief.  It’s the ultimate act of defiance and what they deem as “revenge” but, that is what they are aiming for in most cases.  It’s a form of control or what they falsely believe is control.  At first, it may seem that way to them but, left long enough, it becomes old hat and the parents will move forward in one or all ways.  That begging, pleading and chasing will stop and therefore, so will the control that these adult bullies feel will endure forever over their parents.  They are essentially, fooling themselves.

That’s not to say that there aren’t “bad parents” out there in this world and that the adult child needed to distance themselves from poor actions from their parents.  What it is saying is that those types of parents are few and far between.  There’s a tremendous amount of good parents out in this world who have had their adult child throw the equivalent of a giant temper tantrum and withdraw themselves so totally from their parent’s lives that it resembles a disappearance so total as to be labelled by their parents as a mini “death”.  It leaves the parents in pain, grief, anger, upset, wonderment and a whole host of other emotions which all can be considered as punishment or revenge by that adult child.  In effect, it’s much like taking the reigns and taking control towards hurting their parent(s) and is far harsher than anything that they could ramble off incoherently about what the parent(s) has or have done to them.  It’s hurtful and they know it.  That’s why they do it…besides being delusional that is.

Think back to the days of having given up everything that you, as a parent, needed to give up in order to give your little darling(s) what they needed and wanted.  Take into account the sleep lost, the money given that could have gone elsewhere into making your life a little more at ease.  Remember what you sacrificed for that child’s happiness and well being.  Now, think about them having what equates to a giant temper tantrum as an adult because they didn’t get what they wanted, things got tougher than they want things to be or they plain and simply find someone else to be with who convinces them that you are bad in one way or another.  Distancing themselves from the parents is not an act of kindness and thoughtfulness.  It’s the act of an adult having a melt-down and deciding that the parents need “punishing” somehow.  In other words, they distance themselves out of self-serving reasons and don’t care what it does to anyone else especially, their parents.  As a matter of fact, the end result is to hurt their parents and possibly, other siblings at the same time.  It’s totally and completely a self-serving method of punishment that they are doling out in the midst of an emotional outburst created by either not getting their own way or via someone else in their lives, having convinced them that there’s reason to do so.

“I need my space” may be uttered by some.

“I’m punishing you” can be thought by others.

No matter how they can phrase it, the truth is that their act of estrangement is analogous to being a spoiled child who is throwing a tantrum through anger and wanting to hurt their parents.  Instead of parents giving their out of control child a “time out” in their bedrooms, the adult child is using the estrangement as a huge “time out” for the parents and the ill conceived notion that the parents somehow need to be punished.  What they aren’t getting right is that the parent eventually let them out of their rooms once emotionally and physically calmed down enough to reason with.  These adult estranged children don’t know where to draw the line on what is reasonable and what is purely hurting and frankly, they don’t care.  It’s all about them, them and more them.  It’s self-serving.  It’s not adulthood.  It’s an overgrown child’s way of getting back at their parents for their delusional version of what the parent needs punishing for.  It’s totally related to self and that’s all that it is.  It’s not an act of love.  It’s not to teach the parent something.  It’s all about what they want and feel that they aren’t getting from their parents.  As a matter of fact, most of them cannot even give a reason why they are doing this because estrangement is so deranged an idea or act.  There’s no real logic to it.  It’s purely delusional on the adult child’s part as well as an “I’m not getting my way anymore” type of stance.  Estrangement is far more hurtful to the parents than the screaming, crying or throwing things or themselves on the ground like they did when they were younger.  It’s destructive not constructive.  The shame in all of this is that deep down inside of themselves, they know this much and they intend it to be that hurtful.  What they may not be thinking about is that these acts will eventually cause these adult kids to have to suffer the consequences of this choice.  Meanwhile their parents are suffering through it now.  No one wins with this type of immature action or reaction even if they think that they are misguiding themselves that they are on the winning side.  They are not winning.  They are losing.

From my little corner of life, there are consequences to every action that these estranged adult children are pulling on us right now.  They simply don’t see it as that yet.  They are far too focused on themselves, their partners, girlfriends, boyfriends or friends.  They will one day, have to face the reality and the back-lash of their decisions.  Whether parents are still alive or deceased, there’s no turning back the hands of time and getting that lost time back nor, are there apologies big enough to ever have their parents forget what these adult children have done or not done through their own choices and no matter what bogus and phoney sounding reasons or better said, excuses that they can give.

Parents are all only human.  We can forgive but, we will not be able to forget.

Be well.  Love and Light,

Have a great day or evening.

 

 

 

 

Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

9 thoughts on “Estranged Adult Children Have Treated Their Parents Far Worse Than They Can Accuse Their Parents of Having Done

  1. I’m estranged from my parents and here are my thoughts. I
    1) I have been humiliated by my parents even when I am in my thirties, claiming I am a simpleton and I don’t have the ability to support a family. Even I’m a doctorate on the medical field, the respect isn’t there.
    2) I realized my parents are very into the “holier than thou” attitude and everything they do is for “because I want to go into heaven.” That makes them extremely judgmental and able to say, ” You are not a righteous and honest person.”
    3) I realized my parents are very into face-saving to the community. They are willing to punish their child rather than the person who did wrong to the child. For example, I was tricked by a childhood “friend” (honestly didn’t know because he was my friend…this was when I was 10) and unable to join this high ended orchestra. Guess who got punished and called stupid instead of comforted or educated? Yours truly.
    4) I was physically beaten
    5) Yes, they did financially help me through college and grad school however I wonder if they did it just to get into heaven or to save face or give them bragging rights or to bond me closer. Usually Asian families would help their children financially but with strings attached. Call me ungrateful but they did more for my sister and she is their golden child. See pointers 2.
    6) They never liked my choice in partners because that means I couldn’t be living at home with them or even living in the same state as them. They told me, “You’re on your own.” Both my mom and dad. How would you feel if your parents told you that?
    7) They don’t try to listen to my concern or at least ignores them. I couldn’t handle a 4 hour long cram class physics class because that is not the way I learn. I was failing and I needed help. All I got from them was “I worked so hard to send you there.”
    8) When you punish a child for his honesty, that’s when he begins to lie. I know you are a mother and most likely a wonderful one. WOuld you like your child to start lying to you because he knows if he shows his courage to tell you the truth that he is wrong, he will not only get screamed at and criticized at but he will also be beaten? He will lie to protect himself
    9) They once told me that they are afraid I may hit them. In my mind, I was flabbergasted because I never thought of that and use to hold them at high regards. In my mind, I was thinking, “You are even capable of thinking me that way. That’s scary. No way I want to be living for long period of time under your roof.”

    So….tell me. Why I shouldn’t estrange from my parents?

    Like

    1. James, first off…IF this is all true…you are in the wrong place as I’ve said that this is NOT a place for those who are estranged nor for parents who have been physically abusive or emotionally. IF this is all “true” you need to seek out counselling and I’m truly so sad that your parents are as they are with you or have been. It’s a shame.

      Secondly, what a lot of estranged adults don’t realize is that parents are people too. They have their flaws, faults and warts as well as anyone. They are NOT perfect people. The same can be said for you, right? Or, do you think of yourself as a perfect person who never has done anything wrong to yourself or them or anyone else? IF you do think that you’re perfect (or could have been) then you haven’t lived enough life yet to realize that no one is perfect nor are you faultless at anything or with anyone.

      Unfortunately, you and others like you are going to run into a LOT of others in Life who will do as you’re saying that your parents have done to you. It MAY point out that you’re unable to handle criticism OR it could signal that you’ll estrange from ANYONE who does this type of thing to you but, have you asked yourself if you’ve built up “coping skills” so as not to be alone in Life?

      I know that a LOT of estranged adults want a “How To Estrange” themselves manual and frankly…there are enough people out there who are willing to take money in books and cds or courses or whatever it is that they’ve put out there to do so. I’m not going to give it to you or even sell it to anyone.

      New studies are showing now that there are hundreds of thousands of people who are estranged now because they had false beliefs about their parents and experiences or their tolerance levels are low because of those beliefs. Could it be that you’re remembering ONLY the parts of your parents that were “wrong” in your mind and are putting up with other’s influences that are JUST as bad or worse? Could it be that you’re remembering ONCE OR TWICE that these things happened to you by them. You don’t say and listing a what I will call a “laundry list” of only half remembered events if that is true is not right on your side of things. If on the other hand these have occurred more than you’re saying here and they did NO good for you…you may need therapy.

      Why shouldn’t you estrange from your parents…well…the answer lays within you and I’ve given something for you to think about in many ways. Am I TRYING to get you back to them? NO! Not at all. I’m trying to say that you have things to think about within yourself that doesn’t entail blaming your parents for everything that you feel.

      Best of wishes!

      Like

      1. I’m very surprised to get a reply. But here goes
        Nowhere did I say I am perfect. I know my parents aren’t perfect. That’s a given. However, it is the fact they act like they are perfect (hence Narcissistic Parent) and only when things get out of control, then they admit it. So I think the problem is the degree of subconscious awareness that one is or not perfect is what I am getting at. People may say they are not perfect but in fact act subconsciously perfect because of parentalism. Everyone does that, I believe (including yours truly). Its the degree that matters. In fact, narcissism somehow is a very acceptable trait in Asian culture. Something called Filial piety or absolute obedience expected. Just looking at characteristics of a Tiger mom. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/09/tiger-parenting
        Secondly, coping skills….I have been in the medical field for 10 years and I have seen so much I think will last me a lifetime but hey, that’s life. You meet different people under terrifying conditions so you learn to confront them directly. But I believe handling criticism can go only so far if you know that the other party is simply just out to get you or just want things his or her way. I think there is a difference between destructive criticism and constructive criticism. To handle them, one must know the distinction. So let’s take a case of that orchestra situation: had my parents gave me constructive criticism saying calmly double check next time and trust by verify and it’s okay, then yes, criticism is warranted. But if it’s destructive criticism telling me I am stupid, forcing me to smile, and yelling at me, then no, criticism is not warranted in this manner and it should not even be handled.
        I’m hoping the new studies you say don’t involve people getting physically beaten or verbally abusive by their parents. Not attacking anyone but do you believe getting physically beaten or say “stupid” for something minor in the grand scheme of things really can improve one’s tolerance level? Should one even be tolerant of this kind of behavior? If so…why is “verbal assault,” or simply just saying mean or unkind remarks, may be grounds for disciplinary actions or a harassment lawsuit and physical assault can be counted as battery? Who is to say what is false or true? It’s all matter of view point. To the studies who say people had false belief about their parents or simply their tolerance is low is 1) saying their perspective is false (their stories and feelings aren’t true based on a guideline) and 2) they should be tolerant of abusive behaviors (victim blaming). I actually would like to read one of these studies if you don’t mind providing them.
        To your last sentence, I agree. I do have something to think about myself that doesn’t entail blaming my parents for everything I feel. I just regret not standing up to them nor listening to them in certain cases. But again, filial piety and the need for approval from them did get me to where I am now. Perhaps therapy is needed.
        Again, I look forward to you provide evidenced-based studies. I understand you are trying to give me another perspective and that is what I may need.

        **Funny how I have to put in a disclaimer that what I said before was true and did happen. Otherwise, what would I have gain by lying to the lot of you? In end, I’m cheating myself if I’m lying.**

        Like

        1. **Funny how I have to put in a disclaimer that what I said before was true and did happen. Otherwise, what would I have gain by lying to the lot of you? In end, I’m cheating myself if I’m lying.**

          You don’t have to justify anything to anyone except yourself, now do you? :). If you feel better being away from your parents…stay away from them for whatever your reasons. I’m sure that they will get over you.

          Best wishes!

          Like

  2. I couldnt have written this better myself, my thoughts exactly. I would no longer be a performing monkey to my two adult children so they kicked off. Their loss, my heart has been broken and it will heal but the scars will be there to remind me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In a few cases, that may be true but, in the majority of cases that are being talked about, it’s only “twaddle” in the estranged’s minds because it’s been written in there.

      Like

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