Estranged Adult Children’s Choices May Never Be Able To Be Undone

We can’t stand our daughter’s partner/boyfriend…whatever they love to call each other nowadays and, she therefore can’t stand us.

Let’s back the horses up here for a moment.  It’s not that we set out to dislike this guy.  We didn’t try to find fault in him in any way.  As a matter of fact, as does every parent, we fully wanted to like him and have not only someone that we could consider a “son” but, more importantly have her be with someone whom we could look upon with reassurance and say, “she’s with someone who she can count on.”  We treated him with respect, thought and care.  We took him everywhere with us and did everything we could for him.  As time went by though, his psychedelic drug chronic habits as well as his mouth and lying, got in the way of us “loving him”.  Our daughter, who had become a chameleon to be with him and had fallen prey to his lies, self-pity and drug habits, couldn’t see what we and everyone else saw in him or how she was being controlled.  We however, couldn’t seem to accept either the drugs nor him, his lies, control and ways though we didn’t quit.  We kept tolerating him, hoping he would somehow magically change if we tried hard enough.  We lavished him with gifts, dinners and even tried hard to understand him as well as attempting to figure out what was going on in his life and why.  Nothing worked.  Our daughter estranged herself from us because we did two wrong things in her mind.

  1. We said “no” to doing weed in our home.
  2. She knew that our patience with him, his lies and drugs had worn thin on us.

In other words, we weren’t caving into his lies, needs and therefore, hers.  She seems to want him as part of her life no matter what she has to do or who she has to dump from her life in order to be with him.  He’s played a huge role in her attitude and he’s lied his way through it all.  We also weren’t the only ones who were kicked to the curb by her.  Our entire family on both sides went to the curb side as did all of her former friends except for one or two who she rarely, if ever, sees.  Everything became about him, his wants, his needs, his family and most importantly, his lies (which we have since found out were and are just that, lies and includes the ones that he told us and everyone else about his “rotten, sick, warped family”.)

Of course, this total jerk-off’s family loves our daughter and that relationship.  They have reason because they knew from Day 1 that they were getting their son taken off of their hands and frankly, he was a heavy load for them to be carrying.  It’s likely that they felt relieved when our daughter came onto the scene to help him take care of him and his life.  Quite obvious to us at a point was the fact that they were tired of taking care of him, his bills, handing him money to bail him out of trouble.  When he wouldn’t work or go to school and sat around playing video games all day, at the advice of a family therapist, they had even kicked him out of their own home during his late teens. They tossed him on his rear again after he and our daughter had thrown a giant temper tantrum one evening while there because he and our daughter were told by his own parents that there was no more smoking weed at their home either.  The only difference is that they wanted this relationship to flourish because it meant that they were no longer needing to swoop in and save this idiot from his own foibles, messes and even financial crises.  Sure they loved the relationship.  What was there about it for them not to love? It meant that they were off the hook and able to concentrate on their other son who had learned to play them and the game of Life better than the jerk our daughter chose to leave to be with.

What does this have to do with me?  You may be asking right about now.  

It has a lot to do with you and your life choices both as people and perhaps, as parents.

Your choices in Life may be your choices but, never forget that they do tend to affect other people who love and care about you as a person.  While you may think that it’s your life and your choices, you are also creating a situation that does have some sway, pull and influence over other people in your life.  Those who don’t truly care about you, will drop you if something doesn’t suit them or your choices upset them and they won’t look back.  The ones who truly care about you will have a different take on it and wonder what they did wrong to have you make the choices that you’ve made.  It’s elemental cause and effect.

There are many ways that someone can be sorry later in life for these choices or lack of them.

  1. People won’t wait around for you forever.  That includes family and friends.  Eventually, people move on with their lives as one would do with someone they loved and cared about who have passed on.  Grieving can only go on for so long before one carries the scar but, has to go on.
  2. You can’t go home again easily.  Making a mistake is one thing but, when it has carried on for too long, don’t forget that people’s minds, hearts and scars may not be able to be forgiven or forgotten.  Great damage has been done and there’s going to be a tough time in worming your way back into their lives, if you can do that much.
  3. Abusive actions, choices and mistakes can and likely will net you a cold shoulder at the least.  It’s human nature to forgive an honest mistake once admitted and apologized for to the proper people.  However, when these carry on for a long period of time, others will not be as able to let go of the hurt that you’ve caused them.  Once bitten, twice shy.
  4. For every action, there’s an equal and greater reaction.  One cannot expect to treat someone poorly, wrongly or badly for long before they decide that enough is enough and are done with you.  Remember that even though people want and need you as part of their lives, at a certain point, they aren’t going to put up with nor tolerate your poor behaviour and attitude towards them.  The toes of their boots are going to be either aiming for your rear end or they will have moved on and learned to live without you.
  5. Don’t expect to treat someone with total disregard and respect then, expect them to be there for you when you want or need them.  Once enough time has passed and enough hurt has been doled out to them, you can forget getting anything further from them.  In short, you’ve burned that bridge and it may not ever be able to be rebuilt.
  6. Calling people names or ignoring them will only net you the same in return.  It isn’t going to endear you to them.  If you’re telling your parent or family member or even a friend that they are “narcissistic” or “toxic” and it’s without a professional diagnosis, done by a professional in order to be real, you’ve slapped that person in the face repeatedly and insulted them.  Insulted, hurt people aren’t going to like or want you around.  Remember that before you hurl insults towards other people.
  7. Walking away from others is a form of rejection.  Actually, it is rejection.  Simply because someone is your parent, a family member or friend, doesn’t mean that they can take rejection, toss it to the side and accept you back again even if you do want it and apologize for it.  No one likes being rejected and it will show.  Rejection cuts deeply and may never heal.
  8. An “oops moment”, week or month may be able to be healed with proper and authentic apologies and explanations.  Having an “oops decade” isn’t so forgivable.  It’s considered deliberately done.  Remember that people can forgive and forget a moment’s worth of mistake but, years worth?  Not so much.
  9. When others are given enough kicks in the rear end, they can’t and don’t forget even if they can forgive.  The forgiving is a long shot the longer you keep kicking them so, don’t expect them to give you a hand or help you in any way once you’ve treated them with disregard or as though they are disposable people in your life.  They will be resentful, hurt, angry, bitter and you’re not going to like the outcome if you ever change your mind about either your choices, lack of them or them.
  10. Think of your own feelings about someone you truly care about.  If they were to discard you or shove you away and generally ignore you, would you want them back or would you want them to have anything of yours down the road, including your help, consideration and love?  If you answered “no” to that question, think about what you’re doing and have done to other people.  That’s exactly how they are feeling about you, no matter how right or justified that you may feel that you are about things.

Lastly, don’t forget that people aren’t stupid.  They soon and quickly figure out where it’s their faults and where it is yours.  If it’s not their fault that you’ve been treating them as you have, there’s only one place that they can and will place the blame.  Think about that for a moment.  Do you really want that label placed upon you?  If not, then think twice about what choices you’ve made or are making.  You may never be able to rebuild that bridge again or heal those wounds that you’ve caused between yourself and someone you may want again in your life.  It doesn’t work that way.  Be careful of who you hurt.  You may be sorry one day.

From my little corner of life to yours, if you’re estranged from your parent/parents, family or friends, think twice about what you’re doing.  There may come a day when you’re going to want them again as part of your life.  They may not be willing to accept you back into their lives again.

Whatever you do, please stop tossing around the terms “narcissistic” and “toxic” as a reason for your choices or lack of them.  Giving someone a label without a real diagnosis or because you’ve heard it said before and perhaps, hit Dr. Google or forums with others who are throwing it around like the labels are candy, hurts that person and you.  You may not be able to ever undo the damage that has been done.  Keep that in mind.

Best of wishes,

Love and Light.

Have a great day or evening.

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