Facing Surgery Without Seeing My Estranged Adult Child


So…I’ve been through the proverbial mill with health issues that have been plaguing me for nearly a decade.  I’ve both tried and gone through every test, procedure and being put under anesthesia a couple of times now, to no avail.  The problem keeps reoccurring. Final decision is a final surgery in which an organ will be removed.  That scares me, tremendously and, I reached out to my Adult Estranged Daughter one more time.

Though I reached out to her (now 35 years of age, going on 36), I got my hopes built up, only to have them dashed again.  I spoke to her with love, expressing my love for her as my only child and knowing that all of my family members had passed away young, what it was like to not know what Life would bring next as well as the fear that I am feeling of this surgery.  I had asked that I be allowed to speak to her before the surgery date by phone where I would call her if she wanted or she could call me.  Best case scenario was the hope that we could “put it all together again”.  That doesn’t seem to be a possibility at all as she continues to use email to shut me down and will not answer her phone.

It’s hard for me to believe that she’s doing what she’s doing or why.  In spite of having asked her on numerous occasions what it was that she feels that her father and I have done or not done to her to have her treat us this way, she has given us no answers to that question.  She has dropped both all of her former friends as well as what’s left of both sides of our families so, we are not alone in this type of treatment from her.  No one understands the reasons behind her actions but, everyone has the same conclusion.  “It’s not any of us.  It’s her and her choices to be with a psychedelic, drug riddled or troubled, jerk-off of a boyfriend.  That may sound harsh but, it’s the consensus of every one of her former friends as well as her father and I.

One would think that if there were any love there for us as her parents, my pleas to her to at the least, speak to me over a phone or at best, meet me somewhere that she felt comfortable and let me see her, was a reasonable request.  This is especially true since she knows the early passings of so many of our family.  However, that’s not the case.  She has adamantly shown me that she doesn’t care about us, me, her former friends, her family nor, the future or what could happen as well as the guilt and regret that she doesn’t seem to possess now but, could feel down the road if she doesn’t snap out of this soon.

I admit that I did have my hopes up when I used a different email addy that I use for this blog and she answered in a semi-loving way.  It appeared to me that she wanted to put things together and had some feelings for me.  However, it’s been weeks now since that response and her words were twisted, turned and showed no want or total impatience at my begging her to talk to me by phone or in person.  Equally, it has showed me that she has little to no intention of trying to work whatever it could be out.  It’s here that I have to leave it because I’ve tried and tried and tried with no success of any kind with her and, I suppose that I will go into this surgery, with a hopefully, good outcome but, not without a deep, inner longing to have the ability to even speak to my only child.  (Heaven forbid), should anything not go well, either I or she will have to live with the consequences of her choices in her Life.

Would I like gravity to stop for just a second and the only one who falls off the planet be the idiot she’s making these choices for, happen?  Hell…YES!  However, that’s not going to happen and we all know it.  Furthermore, in spite of hating him now and wanting to blame him and his drugs for everything that’s happened as it was his efforts and energy to have her separate herself from us all, it’s truly not all his fault.  Not that I am defending him but, more key is the point that I know that we raised a baby to a woman’s status, university educated, degree and all, who is no dummy.  She has a mind, brain and heart of her own by which to judge what is right and what is wrong.  Unfortunately, she’s not using any of them and hasn’t since she made the choice to move in with him almost a decade ago now.  Heck, I don’t even know if I have a grandchild or not.  Heaven forbid that I do with that type of an atmosphere for a child to grow up in and a father who can barely hold down a job, been fired more times than he can remember and can’t survive without someone else helping him to pay his bills.  That’s especially true since he spends hundreds every month on drugs and I am assuming non-naively that she is into them as well.

Many will say, “your daughter is mentally ill and needs to get away from him and get counselling,” and that includes 3 therapists that I’ve seen and one that I keep seeing now over this debacle.  It’s not new to me.  Of course I know that she truly needs big time help but, how can I even begin to approach that topic with her if she won’t speak to me or heart felt attempts from me and even her father?  The answer is that I can’t.  I cannot do a thing until or unless she, herself realizes that things have gone too far.  She doesn’t appear to be anywhere close to that type of thinking.  Sadly, she may never be there and, more pathetically, I can’t touch her for more than a second’s worth of time before she’s back to her hard minded, cold hearted ways or, at the least, the moron she’s with (who doesn’t shut up and yaps 24/7 at her) changes her mind for her.  Her vulnerability towards her old, loving self has gone by the wayside with this creep.  I can’t make her feel more than what she wants to feel and that’s what he wants her to feel.

Why am I confessing all of this on an publicly, open forum and to strangers?

I’m writing this because I want other parents to know that unless they have something to work out with their estranged child like abuse, neglect or something that you’ve done wrongly to your child, you’re not alone in this situation.  Even a heart felt plea with your child won’t work if they don’t want it to work out.  It has to be their choice.  You cannot make it for them no matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say.  There comes a point where we, as parents, have to throw our arms in the air, wave the white flag and give up trying.  All that’s left is a “hope” that they will see what they’re doing or have done and come around again.  Otherwise, our trials, tribulations, fears, worries and anything else we can add to the stack, has to dealt with without our children or child in our lives actively.  They will always be in our hearts.  That much I know.

From my little corner of life to yours, as I prepare and do the prep work for my surgery, I have to drop trying with my daughter now.  I’ve done all that I can and I know it.  What I want is to have my daughter back as part of my life before I go under the knife.  That isn’t to be though it seems.  At least, not at this point of writing this piece and with the depth of sorrow that only a grieving parent can feel and understand.  To those of you who are going through something similar, I send you a huge hug.  I know what this feels like.  More to come though, I’m sure.

Love and Light,

Have a GREAT day or evening!

Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

8 thoughts on “Facing Surgery Without Seeing My Estranged Adult Child

  1. I faced this situation and as I rolled into surgery all I could think was yes I love her, always will but it was a shocking turning point for me and I let go. May you find peace with this in time. Until then may you be surrounded with love and healing thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwww….KittyGirl….I hope that I can let go as well as you did. I think that I am at that point so, this may also be a “turning point” for me as well. Thank you EVER so much for the wishes. HUGS XO XO XO


  2. My heart breaks for you. I wish that there were something that I could do to help, but I know that I can’t take that pain away. Know that I do understand an am here for you always. I know that your surgery will be successful and that you will be much better for it . Please call me before your surgery. Know that you are loved my friend

    Liked by 1 person

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