Not that this is the case for everyone who has an estranged adult child but, it happens to be a point with my own daughter’s estrangement. She’s made it abundantly clear that she wants drugs and rock concerts though she’s nearly 36 years of age and should have been finished with this phase of her life.
No, she’s not part of a band. She’s simply following a psychedelic drug user around who equally, has no qualifications to be part of any band except through his ears. Sadly and pathetically, he’s 37 years of age and should be using his brains to work his way towards a better future for himself along with my daughter. He’s not doing that and neither is she. Both are only concerned with the next score of cheap concert tickets, psychedelic drugs and whatever levels of video games that he gets into or MMA fights that they can afford to pay for to see on Pay Per View. They figure that they’ve scored if they can get those tickets, drugs and free views of MMA or UFC. That’s their lives at these ages.
I use this as an example of how it is that our adult children can walk away from us when we, as parents, don’t want that as part of our lives.
Recently, I reached out to my only child, my daughter, who lives with this jerk-off who had been thrown out of his own parent’s home many years ago. There are reasons that I’ve come to uncover that do not match up to his version of things and yet, he knows the difference or the truth behind it all. It’s a story that he imagined and created to justify his actions while he still chases after his own family and begs our daughter to stay away from her own family and former friends. While he has constant contact with his family and they frequent his family home which is fraught with issues and substance abuse, he doesn’t want our influence over our daughter lest she have her head swayed by any of us. In short, our daughter has estranged herself from practically everyone now who came from her past because they don’t accept the drugs and concerts nor him.
The true shame of this is that she will only accept those in her life who accept a mentally ill, drug riddled, inheritance chaser who is resting on his laurels for that inheritance that may or may not ever come his way. The shame comes in the fact that most people her age and beyond, have long since recognized that they cannot stomach this lifestyle she’s chosen to be part of nor, this jerk-off who lacks the mental ability to put censors on his tongue and declares himself to hate “liars”. Thus, everyone has become a “liar” to him and her if they don’t agree and accept that type of thinking and lifestyle.
In recent weeks, I reached out to her once again. I tried to appeal to whatever sense of love and want to be around us that she may still have in her. It came on the heels of me having found out that I would need surgery and simply wanted the ability to speak to my daughter or my only child before I go for this surgery. Within a 3 week time frame, my hopes were completely dashed when she responded with a scathing email (instead of a phone call) chalk full of false accusations, wording that anyone with half a brain could see came from being high as well as the mentally ill buffoon that she lives with and a disdain for us as her parents. It tore me to shreds as both a person and a mother to her, something that I had asked her not to do if that was her intentions. The biggest thing was that she once again, demanded that we accept her drug usage, lack of growth in life and the jerk-off she lives with as well. We’ve tried and tried all of the above and it never worked out. We couldn’t allow the drugs being done around us and the lack of censorship that this creep showed not only us but, other family members (to the point of insulting them all, one by one) was not feasible. Not only that but, she knows in her heart of hearts that it’s not right nor, is he. I give up. There’s no hope in her ever coming back nor, being the daughter or have the personality of the child that I’d raised.
Lest anyone reading this, think that I’m being intolerant of her life or her, think again please.
- We have accepted him with open arms into both our lives and home for years.
- We bought both of them gifts, dinners out, made dinners and had him around family where he wouldn’t put on a set of filters as to what he said or did, including insulting every family member that we have left to the point of them refusing to be in his presence then telling us that our daughter was mentally ill and needed counselling for remaining with him and his distorted view of life.
- Based upon what we now know through someone close to him, was lies from him or half-truths, we listened and tried to help him, feeling sorry for him. Nothing would have made us happier than to have had someone we could call a “son”. He wouldn’t allow it and proceeded to open his mouth where uncensored crap and lies were spewed out over and over again. We fell for them until someone close to him spilled the reality behind him and his lies to both us and our daughter.
- The saddest of it all was that he knew that drugs were not only off the table in being done in our home but, that there were 3 younger, impressionable children around while both he and she proceeded to pull it all out and try to do them here. We had accepted that they did these things but, we simply didn’t want them done in our home or around us. That’s the beginning of the end when we asked that they take it to their car or elsewhere out of respect for us and our house rules. He knew how to end our entire relationship with our daughter by doing this. It was his last straw to pull and pull it, he did with her following him and allowing it all.
Don’t get me wrong. I know that my own daughter is not innocent or helpless. Equally, I know that she’s going along with this mentally ill person’s way of life because we’ve watched her do this with 3 other former boyfriends as well. She becomes a chameleon and turns herself inside out and into versions of each of them, taking on whatever habits, traits and likes that they possess or do. This creep is the worst by far though out of them all as he has 24/7 access to her brain and she has none of her own it seems.
From my little corner of life to yours, the moment that you figure out that your adult child has fallen into this type of a pattern with someone you cannot stomach, start putting up boundaries which cannot be crossed by either of them. If they insist upon following their own rules and not yours in your home, realize that you’re in a losing position right there and quit trying to please your adult child.
Realize a few things:
- If your boundaries are there and your adult child doesn’t respect them, they don’t respect you either. It’s akin to a slap in your face to continue catering to your child.
- Have respect for yourself. If you don’t have respect for yourself and continue backing your child’s demands, backing up your boundaries constantly out of fear or the hope that you’re going to keep your child around, you’ve lost right there. Your child won’t respect you or your boundaries either.
- As I wrote in THIS PIECE your child is wanting something else more than they want you for their own reasons. Stop catering to your child’s whines, cries, demands and commands. They aren’t 5 years old anymore. They’ve getting something from their situations or the people that they are with. You cannot win that battle as it’s in their hands, not yours.
- No matter who your child once was, they are no longer that person now. While some growth can be fully expected and wanted, a downwards step in life is not something any of aspire to see our child as part of.
- If your adult child is willing to cross your boundary lines, their respect for you as a parent has got up and left the house. Don’t permit disrespect from them. They are out to get what they want and not out to give a damn about you as their parent.
Have a read through my many other pieces that I’ve written about Adult Child Estrangement as well. You may find something that helps you realize something that you hadn’t recognized before even if it differs from my personal experiences. Thought inspires.
Love and Light,
Have a GREAT day or evening!