I’ve had no real face-to-face or voice-to-voice contact with my estranged adult daughter for almost 3 years now as most of you who have been reading my blog already know. It was a few days ago now that I was cleaning out my email of read and not needed emails when I came across one from our daughter where I had reached out with love and need to have her shut me down by not only telling me straight out that she had no interest in being around us but, also tearing me apart as a person and as a mother. It should have been heart wrenching and honestly, it was. It hurt but, it also made me both angry as well as have an epiphany into her and this Idiot that she’s left everyone in order to live with him. I also saw things in him that I kind of had already seen and knew but, this made it crystal clear for me.
First of all, I realized that whenever I communicated with my daughter, I wasn’t speaking to the child that I raised and loved.
I could see that this person that she’s become is nothing like the woman and once girl that she had been long ago. Yes, I know that people grow up and change. That isn’t the point that I’m getting at here though. What I am seeing is a person who has become so much of a chameleon that she no longer knows who she is or where he ends and she begins. In other words, she has become a version of a mentally unhealthy man-child that she chose to live with a number of years ago now. There is no semblance of that person that we once knew as we raised her. Instead, there is only the version of a shell of a human being who has once again, as she did with 3 other boyfriends, turned herself into a version of him. Therefore, whenever I speak to her, I am not speaking to her but, rather someone who has cloned herself so perfectly into what he’s about that she can no longer be who she used to be. There are reasons for this as well but, we’ll get to that in a moment.
The Jerk that she is with is NOT a man!
I wish that I could speak differently of the person that our daughter has turned herself inside out for but, I can’t. To every member of what’s left of our families now, every former friend of hers as well as others who watched her grow up, this jerk is NOT any sort of a man. He’s a child who remains stuck in his teens, doing drugs, playing video games, living for the next cheap-seat concert, watching UFC or MMA and eating his weight in food and drink every day. He has no goals, ambitions or aims to better his lot in life either. As long as there’s food, a place to sleep, street and likely other forms of drugs to keep him from actually living life (which he will defend vehemently as “needed”), video equipment, someone to run and get him his gallons of drinks for his cotton mouth as well as his biological family who he complains bitterly about and someone else (aka our daughter) to help pay for all of this, he’s a happy teenager, living a teenager’s lifestyle.
Never having gone past Grade 12, he has zero skills, no ambition or drive to get any, go to school in the evenings or to get a better place for them to live as well as being in debt so badly with such a poor credit rating that he couldn’t get anything better right now if he wanted to. Top that off with the idea that he forms his opinions based upon hours of watching and reading the net, proclaiming himself to be original and a “Critical Thinker”. He’s not. Trust me, he’s not. He’s about as original as a Prada knock-off. He’s actually insidious in his constant, non-stop chatter and, he’s a parrot for whatever he reads, sees or hears that make his case towards keeping himself unable to move forward in any way. When I say “any way”, I mean that literally and figuratively. He is totally incapable of moving forward more than what he’s already done. He’s literally stuck at a teenager’s level and will never move beyond that point as he waits for an inheritance, filled with bitterness, anger and hatred towards his own parents whom, through guilt, have provided him with a job that he’s been fired from several times already. He’s actually so lazy that he has worked his way DOWN in the family business to the point where he’s nothing but a general labourer and a puppet for his brother who knows full well how to play a game to get what he wants. The only difference between the 2 of them is that this teenaged-Jerk-off my daughter is with, doesn’t know how to shut his mouth where his brother does. That “inheritance” may never come his way at all but, he’s banking on it and continues to try to wait his parents’ deaths out and hope that his brother will show him mercy. He won’t. Trust me on that one…he won’t. His brother is playing the game. That’s all that he’s doing.
Our daughter doesn’t know who she is anymore other than a clone of the creep that she’s living with.
I realized by her response to my reach-out to her, prior to my surgery which is upcoming and she has no clue what it’s for or about, that I wasn’t speaking to my daughter. Instead, I was speaking to the Jerk-Off that she lives with and she was higher than a kite when she wrote it. Can I blame the drugs for her response? Not completely. Part of that attitude is the drugs she’s on or doing with him but, the most obvious part of this equation was the wording of her email response. It was as though he had dictated it to her or, at the least, filled her head with such nonsense about her and her life growing up that she had written back with parroted wording or had written it herself but with his voice and thinking. In other words, I wasn’t speaking to her. I was talking to a stoner version of her boyfriend. I may as well have whistled into the air or have written to him.
Sadly, all of her former friends, our family members and everyone who has met him to some degree or another, are completely disgusted with him. No one would even try to tolerate him any longer and have told us so. That fact plus his own antics put any semblance of civility with him to an end for everyone, including us as her parents. We tried and tried and tried but, he wouldn’t allow it. He knew how to end her relationship with us and he did it. He simply thought it would burn itself out faster than it did or, he let it go until he had all that he wanted from both us and her with us.
He helped her re-write her history while he continued to keep up his own life with his family for what he can get from them.
For all intents and purposes, this jerk or should I say, teenager in a man’s body, has been working tirelessly on helping our daughter to see both her father and I as The Devils Incarnate. Not only does he prey upon and listen for any glimmer of an opening in which to stick his nose into our business with our daughter but, he has been endlessly yammering in her ear for every hour that they are together but, he’s plied her with drugs which she took because she’s The Chameleon who has taken on the personality traits, warts, flaws and all of every creep she’s been with. That’s who she is and myself and many others have been witness to her doing this with everyone. This boy-child hasn’t won anything with her. She’s simply doing what she’s always done with boyfriends. He’s no different. Given enough time, all of her former boyfriends would have achieved the same goals that this jerk-off has taken credit for proudly within himself.
There’s only 2 reasons why she’s stuck with him longer.
- He’s the only one that she could actually live with and he lied to her to get her to move in with him because that’s what he wanted. The others all lived at home still with their parents while his had long ago thrown him out of their home.
- Jerk-Off is the only one who had the opportunity to help her re-write her past and turn it into something bad versus what it really was and that’s the way that she wanted to see it in order to justify within herself staying with someone she knows is not right for her or her life.
Those are the only 2 reasons why he’s been able to sway her the way that he has. Well, that is, his ramblings, mumblings and control as well as manipulations of her and yes, of course, the drugs that he keeps plying her with because he, himself is dependent upon them in order to get through Life. He cannot see living life without being in a drug-induced haze now. He doesn’t know how to live without the drugs and frankly, neither does she now. They both rely upon them.
This is an open forum where anyone can see what you’ve written. Aren’t you afraid that she’ll see it or he will and become even more angry?
I’ve been asked that question before and I’ve had a long, hard look at my answer to it with pure honesty. The response to that question is a resounding “NO!”. One cannot get less than nothing, can they?
From my little corner of life anyway, as I see it right now, every parent who is going through this type of situation or hasn’t had contact with their adult child in any other way but, mean spirited or bullying, it’s time to stand up to the bullies, isn’t it? To take from an old saying, “if they can do the crime, they can do the time.”
As far as I’m concerned, bullying is bullying and it’s always wrong. It’s never right even though it may appear to be justified in some way or another. There is no excuse for this type of treatment from anyone to anyone else. This is especially true of those estranged adult children who have extracted themselves from their parent’s lives for no good reason. It’s a form of bullying and a spade deserves to be called a spade.
In my next piece, I will write more about how withdrawing themselves from their families makes adult children nothing but bullies.
What does one do with a bully? Put your answer into comments below please and let’s talk about this. Shame isn’t a reason to remain silent. You ARE being bullied if your adult child has estranged from you.
Love and Light,
Have a great day or evening!