I Will Not Be Bullied!

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I’ve had no real face-to-face or voice-to-voice contact with my estranged adult daughter for almost 3 years now as most of you who have been reading my blog already know.  It was a few days ago now that I was cleaning out my email of read and not needed emails when I came across one from our daughter where I had reached out with love and need to have her shut me down by not only telling me straight out that she had no interest in being around us but, also tearing me apart as a person and as a mother.  It should have been heart wrenching and honestly, it was.  It hurt but, it also made me both angry as well as have an epiphany into her and this Idiot that she’s left everyone in order to live with him.  I also saw things in him that I kind of had already seen and knew but, this made it crystal clear for me.

First of all, I realized that whenever I communicated with my daughter, I wasn’t speaking to the child that I raised and loved.  

I could see that this person that she’s become is nothing like the woman and once girl that she had been long ago.  Yes, I know that people grow up and change.  That isn’t the point that I’m getting at here though.  What I am seeing is a person who has become so much of a chameleon that she no longer knows who she is or where he ends and she begins.  In other words, she has become a version of a mentally unhealthy man-child that  she chose to live with a number of years ago now.  There is no semblance of that person that we once knew as we raised her.  Instead, there is only the version of a shell of a human being who has once again, as she did with 3 other boyfriends, turned herself into a version of him.  Therefore, whenever I speak to her, I am not speaking to her but, rather someone who has cloned herself so perfectly into what he’s about that she can no longer be who she used to be.  There are reasons for this as well but, we’ll get to that in a moment.

The Jerk that she is with is NOT a man!

I wish that I could speak differently of the person that our daughter has turned herself inside out for but, I can’t.  To every member of what’s left of our families now, every former friend of hers as well as others who watched her grow up, this jerk is NOT any sort of a man.  He’s a child who remains stuck in his teens, doing drugs, playing video games, living for the next cheap-seat concert, watching UFC or MMA and eating his weight in food and drink every day.  He has no goals, ambitions or aims to better his lot in life either.  As long as there’s food, a place to sleep, street and likely other forms of drugs to keep him from actually living life (which he will defend vehemently as “needed”), video equipment, someone to run and get him his gallons of drinks for his cotton mouth as well as his biological family who he complains bitterly about and someone else (aka our daughter) to help pay for all of this, he’s a happy teenager, living a teenager’s lifestyle.

Never having gone past Grade 12, he has zero skills, no ambition or drive to get any, go to school in the evenings or to get a better place for them to live as well as being in debt so badly with such a poor credit rating that he couldn’t get anything better right now if he wanted to.  Top that off with the idea that he forms his opinions based upon hours of watching and reading the net, proclaiming himself to be original and a “Critical Thinker”.  He’s not.  Trust me, he’s not.  He’s about as original as a Prada knock-off.  He’s actually insidious in his constant, non-stop chatter and, he’s a parrot for whatever he reads, sees or hears that make his case towards keeping himself unable to move forward in any way.  When I say “any way”, I mean that literally and figuratively.  He is totally incapable of moving forward more than what he’s already done.  He’s literally stuck at a teenager’s level and will never move beyond that point as he waits for an inheritance, filled with bitterness, anger and hatred towards his own parents whom, through guilt, have provided him with a job that he’s been fired from several times already.  He’s actually so lazy that he has worked his way DOWN in the family business to the point where he’s nothing but a general labourer and a puppet for his brother who knows full well how to play a game to get what he wants.  The only difference between the 2 of them is that this teenaged-Jerk-off my daughter is with, doesn’t know how to shut his mouth where his brother does.  That “inheritance” may never come his way at all but, he’s banking on it and continues to try to wait his parents’ deaths out and hope that his brother will show him mercy.  He won’t.  Trust me on that one…he won’t.  His brother is playing the game.  That’s all that he’s doing.

Our daughter doesn’t know who she is anymore other than a clone of the creep that she’s living with. 

I realized by her response to my reach-out to her, prior to my surgery which is upcoming and she has no clue what it’s for or about, that I wasn’t speaking to my daughter.  Instead, I was speaking to the Jerk-Off that she lives with and she was higher than a kite when she wrote it.  Can I blame the drugs for her response?  Not completely.  Part of that attitude is the drugs she’s on or doing with him but, the most obvious part of this equation was the wording of her email response.  It was as though he had dictated it to her or, at the least, filled her head with such nonsense about her and her life growing up that she had written back with parroted wording or had written it herself but with his voice and thinking.  In other words, I wasn’t speaking to her.  I was talking to a stoner version of her boyfriend.  I may as well have whistled into the air or have written to him.

Sadly, all of her former friends, our family members and everyone who has met him to some degree or another, are completely disgusted with him.  No one would even try to tolerate him any longer and have told us so.  That fact plus his own antics put any semblance of civility with him to an end for everyone, including us as her parents.  We tried and tried and tried but, he wouldn’t allow it.  He knew how to end her relationship with us and he did it.  He simply thought it would burn itself out faster than it did or, he let it go until he had all that he wanted from both us and her with us.

He helped her re-write her history while he continued to keep up his own life with his family for what he can get from them.

For all intents and purposes, this jerk or should I say, teenager in a man’s body, has been working tirelessly on helping our daughter to see both her father and I as The Devils Incarnate.  Not only does he prey upon and listen for any glimmer of an opening in which to stick his nose into our business with our daughter but, he has been endlessly yammering in her ear for every hour that they are together but, he’s plied her with drugs which she took because she’s The Chameleon who has taken on the personality traits, warts, flaws and all of every creep she’s been with.  That’s who she is and myself and many others have been witness to her doing this with everyone.  This boy-child hasn’t won anything with her.  She’s simply doing what she’s always done with boyfriends.  He’s no different.  Given enough time, all of her former boyfriends would have achieved the same goals that this jerk-off has taken credit for proudly within himself.

There’s only 2 reasons why she’s stuck with him longer.

  1. He’s the only one that she could actually live with and he lied to her to get her to move in with him because that’s what he wanted.  The others all lived at home still with their parents while his had long ago thrown him out of their home.
  2. Jerk-Off is the only one who had the opportunity to help her re-write her past and turn it into something bad versus what it really was and that’s the way that she wanted to see it in order to justify within herself staying with someone she knows is not right for her or her life.

Those are the only 2 reasons why he’s been able to sway her the way that he has.  Well, that is, his ramblings, mumblings and control as well as manipulations of her and yes, of course, the drugs that he keeps plying her with because he, himself is dependent upon them in order to get through Life.  He cannot see living life without being in a drug-induced haze now.  He doesn’t know how to live without the drugs and frankly, neither does she now.  They both rely upon them.

This is an open forum where anyone can see what you’ve written.  Aren’t you afraid that she’ll see it or he will and become even more angry?

I’ve been asked that question before and I’ve had a long, hard look at my answer to it with pure honesty.  The response to that question is a resounding “NO!”.  One cannot get less than nothing, can they?

From my little corner of life anyway, as I see it right now, every parent who is going through this type of situation or hasn’t had contact with their adult child in any other way but, mean spirited or bullying, it’s time to stand up to the bullies, isn’t it?  To take from an old saying, “if they can do the crime, they can do the time.”

As far as I’m concerned, bullying is bullying and it’s always wrong.  It’s never right even though it may appear to be justified in some way or another.  There is no excuse for this type of treatment from anyone to anyone else.  This is especially true of those estranged adult children who have extracted themselves from their parent’s lives for no good reason.  It’s a form of bullying and a spade deserves to be called a spade.

In my next piece, I will write more about how withdrawing themselves from their families makes adult children nothing but bullies.

What does one do with a bully?  Put your answer into comments below please and let’s talk about this.  Shame isn’t a reason to remain silent.  You ARE being bullied if your adult child has estranged from you.

Love and Light,

Have a great day or evening!

10 thoughts on “I Will Not Be Bullied!

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  1. Thank you for your comment, Lia.

    I previously wrote a lengthy response to you which has vanished for some reason. Not sure what is going on here.

    Your phrasing in this comment is well noted for good reason. It’s very familiar to me.

    Please know that a blog cannot disclose all of the puzzle pieces that may be more relevant than you’d realize or that I am getting information from sources close to him.

    But, if I may ask, what is YOUR status?

    Are you a parent?
    Are you an estranged Adult Child, yourself?

    If you are not the parent of an estranged child, then you may be an estranged child yourself, in which case, doing drugs, being lazy, the inability to mature are all things that you may find acceptable. As a parent, I don’t.

    If you are the parent of an estranged adult child, my bet would be that you’d equally realize that “letting go” is like watching your child die while knowing that they needn’t have died. It’s like not trying to save your child no matter how old they are. Once you’re a parent, not seeing or hearing from your child is akin to the child being dead. How do you give up on your child especially when you see them heading down a path that leads them to a slow death and you can see it happening? It’s much like watching your child standing on the railway tracks, a train coming and saying, “oh well” then, turning your back on it.

    Thank you for your comment. Your comment and time are well appreciated.

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    1. Yes I am the parent of 2 estranged children who tried to tear me down and who rewrote history. It’s projection and it’s acting out. If you know you were a good parent you realise how it’s got nothing to do with you. Of course if what they claim is untrue it feels like bullying and feels extremely unfair and unjust. But in time you can learn to stop taking it personally. There is also no more fight if you decide to choose to fight stupidity hurtfulness and foolishness with love. You become part of the war and attacks if you choose to fight back. Just knowing what you deserve and don’t deserve is good enough. Reconciliation is now beginning for me because I let go and proceeded with compassion realising the hateful words were never about me. It’s all about projection of pain. Fighting hate with love really is a game changer. Extremely hard as it is to do. Letting go isn’t about leaving your child to die. It’s about accepting that they are hurt have acted out on you but are living the best they can. Letting go with love whether it’s returned or not is about you reclaiming who you are. If she gets to realise that the war is over then she also gets to have full responsibility for herself. One side has to concede to end any war despite the casualties or weapons used. So you can be the peacemaker whether she knows it or not… it will still end up sending out an energy that will affect everything for the greater good in your life.

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      1. Lia…I am SO sorry that you are one of the parents who have had to endure what many parents of estranged adult children are going through. It’s a really rough and tough situation to get through, isn’t it? Extremely painful to endure.

        As I read through your comment here, I also can see how differently we (as parents of EAC’s) can be or need to be in order to “win the war” so to speak. Of course, I have no clue what your personal situation is or was with your children. Were it just to be “acting out” with my child and requiring time, I’d not have the feelings that I do. I know full well that this is NOT my fault, doing or that of my husband (her biological dad) nor, of any of our family members or, her friends who she has dropped since this person came into her life and she moved in with him as he insulted every single one of us on countless occasions and though we kept trying, she let him do it and thought it was right for him to be able to express himself no matter what it did to others.

        I have been keeping my tongue bit more than I can explain for over 9.5 years now. Most of those years, she wasn’t speaking to us. Even when she was speaking, he was right there, pinning her against a couch so that she couldn’t speak or, he told me that I could write to her, he would read it, she could respond and he would read it then, HE would set up a time for us to talk, “if he felt it was necessary”.

        After several therapists and many sessions, I realize that keeping this upset in is not good for any parent to deal with. I kept reaching out to her with love and yes, sometimes anger at her words (I was grieving the passing of my brother through an accident and she kept on kicking while I was on the ground already. I asked her to “back off” of me and let me try to deal with my feelings of grief towards my brother’s death. Not to DO anything for me but, to just not tear me to shreds or “act out” as you would term it.)

        There is no peace in silence. I know. I’ve done it for years at a time. Saying nothing, doing nothing, not expressing what I am feeling, the hurt, the pain, whatever I am feeling…is hurting me not only mentally and emotionally but, also physically. It’s also hurting others as well. Especially, when none of us did anything that we can see or point to. Actually, no one else wanted part of this guy long before they ever said anything to me.

        One wise therapist said, “if it were only you and your husband she took aim at with these words and actions, I’d have something else to say but, the fact that she’s completely cut out everyone from her past, including friends and has none, is tell-tale that it’s not about you.”

        I have conceded Lia. We all have. This blog is my way of “journalling” as suggested by 2 therapists and hopefully, helping other parents as well. If my daughter or her crazy, lazy boyfriend happen to see and read these pieces, well…at least they can read it in black and white.

        Saying nothing, doing nothing and just waiting and waiting and waiting has netted me nothing. Reaching out with love, asking what it is that she sees that we’ve done wrong, (meaning us as her parents and everyone else as her family and former friends meaning all of them), has netted me no answers. Staying silent and sending her love (which she knew throughout her life as I said it often enough and did enough to let her know that much, including recently) has not done a thing for 9.5 years now. There is no war to win. There is only silence that continues and continues and is never ending.

        And, just so that you and others will know, I reached out to my daughter with love, let her know that I was going in for surgery (NOT what it was about as that is not her place to be responsible for me or any other form of worry). This is major surgery that I don’t know the outcome of (of course) and I had hoped that perhaps, I could at the least, speak to my daughter by phone (hoping that perhaps, it would break the silence) after nearly 3 years of radio silence so that I can say to myself that I spoke to her. I sent her love and told her that I loved her. I mentioned that I’d just wish to speak to her, nothing more. I even asked that she NOT write back to me if she was going to tear me to shreds as I couldn’t take it or handle it. That’s exactly what she did. She wrote a letter, re-writing her history and tearing me to shreds as a person and mother but, still not saying anything that I could grasp onto. I have and am giving up now. Whatever happens, happens. She will have to deal with her own feelings and issues from here on out. These are her consequences and I cannot take them off of her shoulders now. I don’t have the mental, emotional or physical strength to do so any longer.

        Anyway, this is a long response. Thank you for explaining your position and especially for taking the time to comment again. It’s truly appreciated. There is no way to explain everything in a blog, is there?

        Please keep on talking if you wish to. I’d love dialogue.

        Many thanks!

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        1. Thanks appreciate your empathy we both understand the hurt involved for sure. I totally get it that her boyfriend is an alienating asshole. Yet still if you profess to care about her welfare and wellbeing hating on him won’t ever lead to any reconciliation. Your focus on him is extreme and likely he well knows how much he’s despised by you by now and sadly none of that will ever change anything. Of course I don’t know how much you’ve been through and how you feel he has affected all and no matter how many more facts are brought to the table. Bottom line is you’re hating on your daughters choice of partner and she’s hating on you. It’s all interconnected and is self perpetuating. The only way to even begin to stop this cycle is to bail on the blame game. There just won’t be any healing until you do. She will never ever see you as caring about her welfare while denigrating the person she has chosen to love. I just think that by detaching and saying you are old enough to make your own decisions good or bad but I’ll be here for you regardless is the only way she will ever believe that you care about her. Her spitefulness and denigration of you I can well imagine has been vicious. But then your synopsis of her man pretty much makes that a match. I just hope you can see that it’s a vicious circle and that you as the real adult and parent hold it on your power to detach and stop joining in. I’m not sure which came first you denigrating her choice and life or her denigrating you but either way it only stops when one of you refuses to play. Just howabout deciding that you’ll support her no matter what and that you’ll stop taking her attacks personally and that you’ll see that she is just trying to hurt you out of anger and acting out. It doesn’t matter if everyone agrees that her man is a controlling loser she is still making a choice as an adult to be with him. It’s her life and her mistakes are hers to make. She’s not under 18 needing parental approval or guidance to Gr saved she is choosing to stick by her man regardless. Your acceptance and letting go is the very best thing you can do all round. I honestly think that the best thing you can do now is to delete posts about how terrible her man is and to post instead that you hope that her choices bring her what she wants and needs whether you can see it agree with it approve of it or think it’s healthy unhealthy right or wrong or not. I don’t get the argument that letting go means you don’t care. Not when holding on involves denigrating her life and choice of partner. That’s just not coming across as caring about her welfare. It comes across as treating her like she has no mind of her own that she’s a loser to pick a loser and that you’re not happy with her choices because she has chosen a man you and others detest. I just hope that you can see before it’s too late that alienating in response only keeps the divide wide and leaves no room for reparation forgiveness reconciliation or love. Of course you’ve taken it personally and have at times been equally angry and that’s one natural. But still I think.. someone needs to end the war. Outlining how disgusting her man is really is poking your ED and is completely counterproductive. It could also be deemed legally as slander in a court of law so it’s also dangerous fir your status. I just hope that you will see that feelings are energy and that what you send out will return in kind. I wish you peace and letting go.

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          1. Hi Again, Lia.

            Sorry, just a busy day today.

            In reading your comment, I’ve taken everything that you’ve said into consideration. However, summing it all up, while I get what you are saying and why there are a few things that may be said.

            First of all, I suspect that you and I are perhaps, coming from differing situations with differing children. What works/has worked for you and your children won’t necessarily work for me and mine for many reasons that are too numerous and assumptive for either of us to get into via a comment, right?

            Secondly, I wish you (and everyone else to know) that my husband and myself were both extremely understanding and tolerant of our daughter’s choices in a mate and even took him in as part of our family in every way…not the least of which entailed us trying to understand her and him as well as money, dinners, holidays, parties, buying him clothing, hand painting him special t-shirts etc.. They were all things that we truly meant and tried with both of them and, we did it for years and years. Unfortunately, he made no bones about letting both her and us know that he did not want us as part of his life at all. That happened pretty much from Day 1. His own words were what I am speaking of here both from his own mouth as well as through our daughter. If you, personally would say that someone telling you that being at their apartment while bringing her furniture to her un-aided by him and while trying to talk things through with him to gain a better relationship with him, was “not appreciated” and “leave” with no provocation, then I think that we have a different set of children and circumstances to work with, right?

            Next, my daughter and her “boyfriend” do NOT read my blog or anything else that I do. Both of them have blocked and hidden their social media from everyone, including friends and family members ranging in ages from 10 to our ages. There is little chance that she or he will read anything that I’ve written even if they bothered. Neither of them will or do. I am not worried about that aspect of things because of that reason. (That also means that I will not be removing my written pieces as I have written them either as I have nothing left to lose at this point in time. Hope does not “float” any longer. I have given up hanging onto what I believed was a rope, only to find out that it was a frayed thread instead.)

            Fourthly, there is no more “alienation” than NO contact, is there? It’s been this way for years now and I had nothing to say about her or him or her choice in him or anything to do with either of them. I don’t believe that there’s even an attempt at “reconciliation or reparation or forgiveness” in either of them at this point in time or having waited this long now. It’s been over 9 1/2 years at this point.

            Now, last point you’ve raised and it’s a good one.

            There is no reason or ability for a “slander suit” to come my way. I have not used anyone’s name or even my own, have I? Would you know who I am talking about or even who I am? No. You only know what I have written but, I have not used his name or hers or my own and therefore, as a former legal study, there is no chance of a slander suit. However, I can tell you this much, if anyone has a “slander suit” that could be used, it would be ME against him. I haven’t used that option nor can I be bothered at this moment. He not only used my name but, accused me publicly of something that I had not only NO knowledge of and therefore, didn’t or couldn’t do but, he also went on about it in writing, in public with accusations that were not only false but, for thousands upon thousands to view. When I called my daughter’s attention to this fact, (I was sent a screen shot of the words and have saved them on file for good reason), she allowed his comments to stay put. He not only did this to me but, also to her former best friend whose husband wanted to beat the crap out of him. Our daughter’s former best friend stopped her husband (then, fiancé) from doing so, thankfully. So, this man-child has no legal leg to stand upon but, there are several of us who do and haven’t acted upon it.

            And, as just a side note: My interpretation of him is not at all “extreme”. Actually, I was being kind in stopping short of other things that he’s done and continues to do to not only us but, our daughter and others. He truly is mentally unhealthy and the drugs he consumes in a day are not helping that fact.

            But, I wish to thank you again for your time in talking about this and commenting.

            Best of wishes to you and yours in your reconciliation process. I hope with all of my might that yours goes smoothly and steadily heads towards a full recovery from this nightmare.

            Be well!

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        2. I know you have a good case against him. I also can imagine how she has been influenced by him hugely. I still think that she has free will and that she is allowing him speak for her and act for her willingly. He likely also acts the way he does towards you due to things she has claimed about you. Its ultimately your girls responsibility how things run and not his, if she ever does feel extremely unhappy and controlled and stifled by him it’s likely that they will eventually split up. I just hope meantime that you can take your focus off him and how they choose to live their lives and send out acceptance and try to focus on you now. You can’t change her, and you can’t change him. You can’t change how they choose to live their lives, and you can’t affect their decisions. But you can work on accepting that her choices are hers alone to make whether you approve of them or not. You can also work on finding your own inner peace, and you can work on putting your focus back onto your own life. Maybe one day she will want to reconcile. But first and foremost she will need to know that there will be a soft approving place to fall back on. That’s our job as parents, to try to stick by them no matter how they are their own worst enemies or not. Meantime I think that you should be proud that you made a daughter who is able to live her own life independently of you… whatever that may mean or be to her. Try to have compassion for her inner hatred towards you as its really all about pain inside her that is her responsibility to deal with and not yours. You don’t have to approve or disapprove of any of it. Its out of your hands and remit now. I hope that you can let go for now as that’s your only real choice, and letting go doesn’t mean giving up. Big hug to you and for all going through this. xx

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          1. Thank you, Lia. :).

            You are correct. I have no choice in how she chooses to live her life or, what she decides to do with all of it. It is up to her and if she chooses (she’s over her mid-thirties now) to roll around in Drug Land with a boyfriend such as him (I won’t get back into everything that I’ve said already about him) then that’s her choice as you’ve said. Obviously, I cannot get through to her no matter what I’ve done in terms of reaching out to her. He’s a “lost cause”. His own parents seemed to have recognized that fact long ago.

            I have been for counselling for myself because I need to be able to live my own life as you’ve said. It was their recommendation that I write either in a journal or this blog about my feelings. I’ve chosen this blog as I know that I’m not alone in this type of case…very sadly. (Many, many people write to me and request that I do NOT publish their comments or emails as they fear that their darlings may see their words).

            You know, I had a bit of a head-scratching moment here when I thought about how you’ve said that she will need an approving place to to fall back on (paraphrased) and that I should try to have compassion for “her inner hatred towards” me. It was there that I had to stop and think about this idea more carefully.

            As you know, we as parents, are all simply human beings as well. We are flesh and blood, not machines and we have feelings too. Had I done something terribly wrong to her, I could have seen the idea of having “compassion” towards her and being patient with it all. The truth is though, even with several therapists that I’ve sought out help from, none of them have yet to figure out exactly what it is that she’s so angry or why she hates us all so much. They’ve read her emailed responses back to mine (they’ve all read both sets) and cannot find any tangible or meaningful reasons why she has this “hatred”. It has never been explained by her even when I’ve asked her to spell it all out for me so that I can attempt to apologize or whatever she needs. But, they have all agreed that it’s time for me to stop the “love sending” as it’s only giving her more power and frankly…him. It’s like rewarding a dog for excreting on the carpet over and over again. LOL.

            I have also stopped to think about what you’ve said in terms of giving her an approving place to come back to if she ever decides that this is not right for her. I have waited for 9 1/2 years with open arms, told her so and that she will always (as long as we’re alive anyway) have a place to be. That was spat back at me as well. Even when others have tried, they’ve gotten the same response and similar reactions. It’s not just my husband and I but, everyone she’s ever known that she’s “hating” so to speak.

            More key here is the idea that were she to be anyone else, other than my daughter, I would have let the doorknob hit her on the rear end on the way out and locked the door behind her LOL. People can only roll with someone else’s punches for so long before they 1) get good and fed up with being punched, 2) hit back in some way or another 3) decide that everyone else is staying away from you because you won’t hit back and keep taking and taking it all. They lose respect for you (meaning really….me…but, using “you” as a generic term encompassing everyone as a generality only).

            I think that there are cases where compassion, understanding and love will work. Unfortunately, in my case, I cannot over power a jerk-man-child, drugs and a daughter whom I’ve watched do this with others as well…just not like this. I don’t think that anything that I can do or say will ever help the situation.

            I do agree with you that I do need to let go with both hands, let go of any thread of hope that I may be hanging onto that isn’t attached to anything as it’s not at all. It’s simply waiving in the breeze in my hand. Writing is MY way of letting it all out. I cannot fight a controller, someone willing to be controlled and manipulated as well as drugs.

            Now…how do I re-write history and forget that I ever did have a child? LOL.

            Thank you for the debate about this topic. It’s truly appreciated and has made me think about things, carefully.

            XO XO XO

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  2. I totally understand how hurt you are that your girl vilifies you and rewrites history…But she is clearly acting out and she is very angry. I think your focus on her choice of partner is beyond extreme. She vilifies you and in turn you vilify her and her boyfriend. That is very childish tit for tat and its now not a one way street. So he’s lazy so he messes around with drugs so hes immature. Loads of people are like that. Its really not your business who your daughter chooses to love. You also didn’t raise an independent kid if she is his mouthpiece. She is clearly out to put you down all of her own choice because you are both at war. I think that your focus on vilifying of her partner is the biggest alienating choice you could ever make. You literally tear him to shreds viciously. Then you back up and justify your tearing him down with the fact that others agree with you. Its like your hatred of him is your main focus in your estrangement. You will never fix hatred with hatred. You can also never hold any higher ground when you stoop to others levels. You really need to start to detach and stop hating on her boyfriend now. Its not at all helpful to anything or in any way becoming to you..to read about how much you despise him. Also if you really wanted to reach out to your girl, doing so just to let her know that you were having an operation appears to have been about wanting focus on you. What she likely really wanted to hear was that you have dropped the anger towards her man. I think her ‘bullying’ won’t stop until you drop the war. Its not standing up to someone to behave and speak as hatefully as they are. That just keeps a catch 22 situation alive. Real healing will come when you let go of who she is with what they are like and how bad you feel towards them. He is not your business or problem. But stopping your part in the war is within your power. I hope that you can see that by focusing on him and despising him will only create more hatred all round. Time to let go and to detach without allowing yourself to engage in this war any longer..and to realise, how nothing will ever change until someone becomes the hero in this war. Acceptance is they key here. It is what it is..she has been deliberately spiteful to hurt you in her anger, but then if she has read what you have written, then you’re now both quits. Time to bale out of the war.

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  3. My daughters mother in law is the nastiest kind of BULLY! She NEVER misses an opportunity to attack me through her passive aggressive behavior. She is INCAPABLE of keeping her mouth shut!!! She has successfully driven a wedge between my daughter and me, and my daughter has allowed it. With the exception of spending time with my grandkids, I have decided to move on and enjoy my life. No more crying for me!

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    1. Good for you, Christine! I applaud you for moving forward and not allowing your daughter’s Mother-In-Law to bully you too. It certainly sounds as though your daughter is allowing her MIL to bully her and likely, that’s because she may be following in her partner’s footsteps???? If she keeps her MIL happy, she keeps her partner happy as well.

      As the little captioned piece at the top of my article states…bullies are usually envious of you and it makes her feel good. That woman must need the attention and is envious of you or, fears your possible place in your daughter’s life as well as that of her partner.

      I hate to say it this way but, one day, that MIL is no longer going to be on this planet. What then? If you’re still alive (as we all hope that we will be), will you accept your daughter coming back or will you consider it all being “bullied” and perhaps, forgive your daughter but, not forget?

      BRAVA to you for your stance and refusal to be bullied any longer. Kudos to you!

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