Do Adult Children Really Have Reason For Estrangement: Re-Writing History

baby-in-suit-at-computer-1030x686While I have been open about a lot of differing things in my life with readers, one of the things that has come to my attention on my YouTube channel are the Haters who sit behind keyboards and type away nasty and hateful comments to my pieces.  Yes, they are young and their comments show their immaturity in the content and methods of commenting.  Perhaps the worst of them, are in response to my pieces about Estranged Adult Children.

I know that there are many adult children out there who have estranged from their parents for differing reasons.  Some parents have abused their children or willfully neglected them to their detriment.  I understand why they would estrange themselves as well as the pain and trauma that has been left behind within them in having to do so.  I don’t blame them one bit for their trepidations or even anger and hatred.  However, doing something like that, not only shows in their comments but, it’s hurting that “child” even further.

I’ve said in many pieces that I’ve written that we are not talking about the smaller percentage of parents who have abused their child/children or neglected them.  We are speaking about average parents who weren’t what these children would consider as perfect.  Who is perfect?  None of us are and estranged adult children who have children of their own will likely cause their own set of headaches in their own children.  I’d love to hope not though but, the likelihood is there for that type of thing to happen.

What is it that is so bad from a normal parent that would lead an adult child to estrange themselves from their parents?

From the many forums that I’ve visited, I’ve seen adult children tossing around terms like “toxic”, “narcissistic”, “enmeshment”, “selfish” and “self-centred” at their parents as though all of these adult children were degree clad PhD’s in psychology with a DSM labelling machine, stamping it upon their parent’s foreheads with ease.  However, it has baffled me whether these estranged adult children have really and truly heard that from one another or where they got those terms?  Dr. Google?  The plethora of books written on the topic to pad someone’s wallet with bleeding heart gobbledygook that’s been stuck in the 80’s or 90’s teachings?  One has to look at the fact that there’s something that both the adult estranged child is getting out of doing this type of thing as there is for the author or group leaders to get out of it, not the least which includes money to keep themselves alive.  Shite sells and the authors know it.

What would it take for an adult child to simply walk away from their parent(s) as though they were yesterday’s garbage?  What were the “sins” so to speak that were so grave for a child to do this to their parent(s)?

It’s not an easy road to go down for either the adult child or their parents to have estranged themselves like they are doing so, what is it that a parent has done that is so horrific that an adult child feels the need to do this to themselves and their parents?  Unless there’s been a lobotomy done on these Estranged Adult Children or they are full of Dementia or Alzheimer’s, there’s few reasons that can be thought of by thinking people to walk completely away from parents who gave their child/children everything.  This is especially true of those who were raised well with siblings but, who have been the only ones to pull this vanishing act or they have done so to everyone that was part of their past lives.  There’s something else at play here as I’ve been told by professionals.

To the Adult Children:  You may need to ask yourself a few key questions here before you stamp your parent’s foreheads with labels that will banish them from your life.  You need to be real and not re-write history to suit your own stories, many of them fabricated to suit their own purposes or reasonings for the actions.  

  1. Did you parents beat you?
  2. Were you locked in a room?
  3. Were you fed, looked after when you were sick?
  4. Did you have a roof over your head, food on the table and did your parents work hard to do so (working parents or not)?
  5. Did you have friends?  If not…was it your parent’s faults or yours?
  6. Were your parents as giving as they could afford to give you materialistically and otherwise?
  7. Did your parents tell you that they hated you or that you were worthless on a frequent basis?
  8. Were you constantly neglected so that your parents could do things as they pleased or wanted?
  9. Did your parents deny you of medications or medical help and refuse to take you to a doctor for help when you needed it most?
  10. Were your parents what we’d call “absentee parents” meaning that they weren’t around much and you raised yourself, all by yourself?

More often than not, the type of “gripes” that I heard, read and saw were from those who had the least done to them, meaning that their parents hadn’t done anything even remotely deserving of desertion. I read and have heard things like,

  • “My mother told me that I was all that she had and she loves me.  That’s control.”
  • “My father wouldn’t take me to ball games because he said that we couldn’t afford it.”
  • “I didn’t get the designer outfits that everyone at school had.”
  • “My parents don’t like my girlfriend/boyfriend.  They are Toxic!”
  • “They don’t get my drug usage so, they’re stupid and I can’t be around them because they won’t let me do drugs around them! They don’t understand me.”
  • “Yeah, well I didn’t want to go to school and I had no qualifications for a decent job so, what was I supposed to do.  They expected too much from me.  School is stupid.”
  • “All gray hairs are stupid!”
  • “I didn’t get to stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. because my mother and father had to work.  How selfish of them.”
  • “My family all died and I am enmeshed so, I had to break away from them.”
  • “My parents don’t drink or do drugs or approve of them so, I have to stay away from them.  Life sucks!”
  • “They won’t let me smoke weed at their home.  They told me that I have to go somewhere else to do it. They are shits and stupid.”
  • “My father has had a heart attack and my mother asked me to be there for them.  I have things that I want to do.  How dare they ask that from me.  They are self-centred and selfish.  I need away from them.”
  • “I can’t get them to let me do what I want so, I’ll have to walk away from them so that I can do it and without guilt.”

The list can go on and on but, suffice it to say that I am seeing immaturity and a total lack of patience, understanding and wisdom on these types of reasonings.  There’s nothing here that I can attribute to what they’d call parents or what they label them as nor, any real reasoning behind their estrangements.

More than anything, the one that gets to me the most are the ones who “re-write” history to justify their actions or lack of them. 

If there’s one thing that I’ve seen that they all have in common, it’s that they have a tendency to be short-sighted and forget the sacrifices that their parents have made for them in order to have the things that they’ve had from the parents.

How many parents will allow or want their child to drink or do drugs or whatever, in their homes or around them?

Which parents can take abuse from a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend and not eventually crack or say something about it or show it to either the child or their choice in partners?  Yes, parents can bite their tongues for so long but, after awhile, if that other person is with them and insulting in some way or another in the parent’s presence or to the parents themselves, there’s going to be a price to be paid for that kind of action.  Parents are, after all, people.  They aren’t machines, computers or cell phones with no feelings of their own.  They have rights too.  They don’t owe it to their child or that child’s choice in friends or partners to love or even like that person especially, when that child’s friends or partners have chosen to upset the apple cart no matter what it costs them or even wants the split to happen so that they can isolate that child from everyone else except who they choose for them, do they?

Those are two examples that I’ve been most familiar with during my foray into the forums and other articles written by Estranged Adult Children.  When they don’t get their way with their parents and walk away from them, they have a tendency to conveniently “forget” all of the good that parents have done for their child.  In an attempt to justify their actions, these Estranged Adult Children will attempt to re-write history for themselves or perhaps, have their friends, other forum members or their partners do it for them.

Telling a child that you love them constantly should be enough if that’s what you’ve done throughout their lives.

Giving them a warm bed to sleep in, care for them when they were ill, food, clothing, friends over, cars, degrees and giving them more is far more than enough as parents but, most have gone beyond that point.

Enmeshment will happen in ANY relationship that one has on this planet.  One cannot truly care about someone else without there being some type of enmeshment towards that person or people.  It’s inevitable and when tried to be used as an excuse for such harsh actions as estrangement, one can see through that facade as having traded one set of enmeshments with their parents and placed it upon their friends, partners and even bosses at work.  Everyone in a relationship is somewhat “enmeshed”.

More than anything, our influences over our children were (as I’ve said many times before already), greatly watered down by other, outside influences from friends, partners, Society and other factors.  Parents hold the least amount of influence at a certain point yet, the Estranged Adult Child will place the blame for their failures to get friends or girlfriends or boyfriends or succeeding as well as their lack of motivation upon their parents rather than themselves, their other influences that they’ve allowed into their lives over the years.

However, from my little corner of life to yours, it’s impossible for parents to get their estranged child or children to see it that way.  They will see what they want to see and blame the parents for everything that they can justify getting away with blaming them for doing or not doing.  It’s sad for everyone involved in all ways.

Anyway, this is a long piece.

Love and Light, Stay Well and….

Have a great day or evening.

PS:  If anyone is thinking on leaving me some nasty-assed comments, they will be deleted.  No more hatred for what I have to say in an Opinion piece.  

 

4 thoughts on “Do Adult Children Really Have Reason For Estrangement: Re-Writing History

Add yours

  1. My father went to prison for what he did to me, nothing in his childhood that can excuse it. As for my sister, sadly there is no hope for her, she has been a hateful person all her life. I tried for over 50 years to love this person, and it just earned contempt.

    When you love people you try, you talk, you explain what the issue is, you try to meet a middle ground, but to walk away with no discernible reason other than the rants of toxicity and narcissism tells me there is some major projection going on.

    sorry I just have little patience for the ambiguous “blame the parents as being toxic and narcissistic” mantra I read online from some of these estrangers. Meanwhile some of us have had to go through horrific abuse as children and young adults and instead of whining on about it, get on with our lives, and try not to let it define us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have been through a lot from what I’m reading here, KittyGirl. I am so very sorry that you have had to endure this type of thing from both your dad and your sister.

      I totally agree with you that when “label happy kids” tend to put a stamp unnecessarily or unfounded upon their parent’s foreheads for no really good reason, it negates or dilutes situations such as yours where it’s truly justified. I equally agree that it’s time that a lot of these adult estranged children who are doing this type of thing, need a good swift waking up to reality. Nicely said!

      Again, I am so very sorry that you’ve had to endure such abuse and hardship. I am also an abused grown-up. Thankfully, no one went to prison but, for some of the things that I also endured, I have to wonder what these kids (as in my examples from these forums that I’ve quoted) have to whine about.

      Thank you for your comment and explanations. I hope some estranged adult child realizes that they have made a mistake in their choices and DO try to talk things through within themselves and with their parent/parents. HUGS XO XO XO

      Like

  2. For many it boils down to they are emotional cowards who often hide behind ambiguity. They can’t tell you specifically what you did wrong because they are not operating on what you actually did but how they feel about themselves and therefore you must be to blame.
    I am estranged from my father because he abused me, no ambiguity about it.
    I am estranged from my sister because she is an angry verbally and emotional bully, no ambiguity about it.
    If someone cuts you off and refuses to even say why that is a form of emotional abuse. Abusers like this often present themselves as victims. Victim playing is either manipulating others, a coping strategy, or attention seeking.

    Like

    1. KittyGirl….estrangement due to true abuse is justified. I’m sure that your dad knows on some level what he’s done and equally, I’m sure that you have told him why. If he cannot see the errors in his ways, then one cannot do anything more other than to walk away to keep oneself straight and clear of mind.

      As for your sister….did she also walk away from your dad or did she take on your father’s abusive ways? You say that she’s angry and a bully. I don’t know your situation but, I’m wondering if perhaps, your sister is “hurting” so to speak and needs some counselling? You cannot fix her. She needs professional help and if she is refusing that then, all that you can do is to save yourself.

      I grew up abused and there was nothing that I could do about it due to circumstances as well as substance abuse. I often saw my parents taking care of their own needs versus mine. Sadly, their methods of dealing with their issues involved the same type of abuse that they were given while growing up and from their own parent or parents. Was your dad abused while growing up? Is there a substance abuse issue with him? (I am not asking you to answer this publicly or to me, just questions that ran through my head).

      Everyone’s circumstances are completely different but, as you’ve so wisely said, those who cannot say why they are cutting parents or other family members off and are “victim playing” is perhaps, a justification for how they feel about themselves rather than parents. For the most part, those who have walked away (as you have also said well) are acting out what they feel about themselves.

      Take care and thank you for your comment, KittyGirl. :).

      Like

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