So, I had my surgery. It was major surgery and I’m still waiting to heal and get the pathology report. I have little energy still but, day by day, I’m regaining a bit of it back. I’m tired a lot and it doesn’t help that next door is re-constructing the house from inside out, adding a second floor. I’m so tired of feeling rough, exhausted and the dust that makes it so that I can’t even try to get outside to sit with my tea because of it all. I have Cabin Fever but, I’m following the doc’s orders. I’m scared but, doing what I’m told to do thus far.
Even in pain and weariness, people still think that I should be there for them and am the Tower of Power that they’re used to having as their shoulders. I’m not there. I can’t be. I don’t have the brain power or the energy required. I am struggling day by day to get through my own garbage. Why does everyone think that I’m a machine who can simply flip some switch and go into high gear, solve their issues, help them out and they needn’t bother, worrying about me? Have I given off that attitude for far too long?
I wish that I had family. I don’t have any now and the friends that I do have left, are mostly looking to me for solutions to their dilemmas. There is one neighbour who is there for me in spite of her own internal struggles. She listens and thinks as rationally as I do for her. It’s a 2-way street for the 2 of us even though we rarely do anything together.
Why can all of the remaining friends have so little time and energy to put into me as I struggle through this when I’ve been there for them all in every way I can be? Even my own estranged adult daughter simply thinks of me as being some sort of Super Power who can battle anything and everything no matter what happens and has told me so. She can’t even be bothered to check in on me to see if I’m alive or not. It baffles me as to how callous everyone can be (except for this one neighbour-friend). Of course, it doesn’t help that my estranged daughter has stated that she wishes me well but, can’t be around me. I don’t get it. All that I can see is a child who grew up only concerned with her own issues as I took most everything else over for her and with her.
Since everyone thinks that I’m so powerful and almighty, playing video games or texting others while I’m reaching out for help, I’m going to be doing the same when they need something from here on out. I’m not going to lift a finger to help any of them out either. I will listen for a certain amount of time and cut it off. No more offering up my time, energy or thought since they can’t muster up the energy to be there for me and assume that I’m wearing some sort of suit of armour that renders me incapable of having issues of my own. Where are those shoulders? Where are the hugs? Where is the help that I’ve offered everyone else? They aren’t there for me and I won’t be there for them any longer either.
From my little corner of life, I am not Superwoman and I won’t be offering up my energy to any of them any longer. What they give to me is what they will receive in return from me now.
Is that pain and exhaustion talking? No! It’s how it has to be as long as I can take a breath now. Lesson learned the hard way. To the one neighbour-friend that I have in this world, I will keep helping her as she helps me.
Be well, Love and Light and I will be back as soon as I can.
Have a great day or evening.