Estrangement: Reasons For It

I’ve been on both sides of the coin in every conceivable way imaginable. As a child, I saw both love and abuse. Being a parent, meant that I gave up a lot in order to be a parent while still wrestling with my own past demons as well as trying to change how I parented, keeping up with the times as well as trying to make things better for my offspring than what I had it. Of course, it goes without saying that every generation wants or thinks that they are doing something differently than they had done to them. For the most part, that would be true.

The act of estrangement is a deep chasm but, is it necessary?

What no parent counts on, of course, is the word and action of their child who is now an adult, estranging from them without so much as a word, reason or otherwise. Off to therapy, counselling, professional help and, reading, researching and everything else that one can think of doing. Afterall, it’s said that it “has” to be the “parent’s faults” and it’s the parents who must change in order to get their adult to enter back into their lives.

I’m not ashamed of this estrangement as you can tell because you’re reading my words on this topic. However, many parents are mortified when they hear the words, “it must be your fault or, your child wouldn’t have done this to you”.

For some, it could be the reality but, for many others, it’s a new phenomenon that adult children are choosing for themselves. A sign of the times? Perhaps but, it’s now happening at an alarming rate. Adult children are choosing to estrange themselves for things that they will blame upon the parents, siblings, other family members, former friends or whomever they can place the blarney stone upon.

Reality though, will dig more deeply and discover that not only is it not the parent’s faults in a lot of instances but, an act once held only for the most severe of cases if that often, is now almost common place. Many more parents are finding themselves at the brunt end of their child’s steely silence and absences, leaving parents to wonder what happened. It’s almost a fad or a trend to enact such harshness. More poignantly said, it’s akin to going on strike to get demands met for many of these adult children.

Many of these estranged adults will balk, scream, throw temper tantrums at these words because they don’t necessarily like hearing that they may also be party to their own choices. As a matter of fact, many of them have made these types of choices based upon someone else’s words, urgings, influences or because estrangement is an escape hatch by which they can carry on with their ways, without the judgement of their own parents, family, former friends or otherwise. The reasons may vary but, the final product remains similiar if not identical.

“Why would any child want to estrange themselves,” a few of these estranged children have asked me. “It’s hard and there’s a stigma attached to it. No one wants to do it. We’re forced to do it because parents won’t change.”

Right there was a hint for me, personally as it’s been for many parents who have or are enduring such a tortuous act from the children that they worried over, wiped bottoms for and every other conceivable thing that one could think of having done as a parent for their child or children. It was the mere fact that the child thought or thinks that the parents should “change” somehow but, them not be responsible for having to do anything. In other words, it’s all the parent’s faults. It’s never their choices, their decisions, their actions, words or lack of them. The parents are always not only needing to change but, they have to apologize, come crawling, begging and anything else that the child can think of them doing.

Don’t get me incorrectly, please. There are parents who have been abusive or are abusive with their children. Those are the types who do need to change, get help and work it out with their adult children if it can be. What we are speaking of here are those parents for whom there has been nothing horrible done by that parent to their child. There was no abuse, no neglect and there’s no reasoning given for that child’s choice to estrange.

While that may sound counter-intuitive to a lot of people who will automatically assume that it has to be the parent’s faults somehow, the truth is that in many, if not most cases, the estrangement has more to do with someone that the child has been in contact with or as they can be called, “The Influencer”.

The Influencer’s Profile

More often than not, The Influencer is someone who holds a grudge against their own parents or, are someone who tends to want complete control over that adult child.

They may be a parent, a family member, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, group or even articles written by bleeding heart “experts” who are out chiefly, if not solely to sell or peddle their books, practices, sessions with them or otherwise.

Influencers tend to isolate the adult child from family, friends or anyone who may be blamed, a threat to their control over that adult child or, they may be someone who simply wants to sell their ideas, making a name for themselves with as many adults as they can grab ahold of in the process of dividing and separating them from their parents or family.

The sole aim of a lot of Influencers tend to be towards starting a revolution not seen since the movie, Norma Rae where actress, Sally Fields stands upon her work station, holding up a hand-written sign to the rest of her fellow workers. In the end, of course, we note that Norma Rae did in fact help her influencer achieive his only goal of getting a union but, at the cost of her job and, becoming an outsider to her collegues at work. She was isolated in a sense, even from her mother who worked at the factory that she’d managed to get herself fired from. Further isolated by her influencer Textile Union Activist, played by Ron Liebman in the movie and his leaving her small town and her once he’d gotten her and a number of others on board with his drive to start a Textile Union of America having been completed, Norma Rae stood there while he drove off, leaving her to eat his dust. A lot of influencers are like that. They take what they want then, leave even if not physically.

Influencers love to divide and conquer. As long as there’s a reason, purpose and need that their influence suits for them, they will use whatever they can to cause the adult child to believe in their cause, right or whatever it is that gets that adult child suckered into believing that they are right and everyone else is wrong. The cost to the adult child when they are done fulfilling their own needs, is none of their concern.

Online Groups And The Net

Social media may be one hot bed of excuses in which an adult can dish up a heaping helping of what they will come to know as reasons why they should walk on their parents, siblings, families, friends or whomever they wish to distance themselves from. That goes for those who really have no good reason to do so. It’s a matter of having too much influence and knowledge, rights and the ability to slap labels, instantly diagnose those persons and justify having done so.

How many of us have gone to a search engine to look up something as innocuous as a cold, only to find symptoms that match about 20 different diseases? We’ve then gone from a simple virus to lung cancer in 10 minutes or less, certain that we’re dying. Most of us can say that we’ve had at least one experience where we’ve dived right into Dr. Internet and found ourselves smack dab in the middle of self-diagnosing ourselves into a horrible disease without so much as a test, visit to the doctor or even a check-up which would have put things straight for us.

It’s much like that for these adults who have diagnosed or had people diagnosed via The Influencer and the net whereby, these people have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, are BiPolar, inherently evil or some other label that would require testing and a qualified personelle to diagnose such horrible diseases or disorders. It’s sad when someone is diagnosed with it in real life, let alone having a label slapped upon your forehead with that disorder because the net or someone else diagnosed it haphazardly.

If that’s not all bad enough, there are groups on the net which are plentiful and abound in back patting the idea of walking away from anyone that these adults don’t think is serving their interests or who they are angry at for one reason or another. It’s worse when histories are rewritten to horror novels so that the adult can justify having left people in their dust. Most won’t even care what happens to those who have been drop-kicked by such slander as this type of thing happening.

Convincing Themselves

Besides an influencer’s influence for their own purposes, an adult child who wants to believe that what they’ve read, been told or bought from someone else or having rewritten their histories to suit the stories they’ve been fed or convinced of, one of the other sources of an adult child’s reasonings for walking on the parent, is themselves. Somehow, they’ve managed to convince themselves or allow themselves to be convinced that estrangement is the only way and a much needed action.

Once they have found a way to convince themselves that estrangement is needed in order for them to exist with the influencer or to justify them doing something that they know the parent, siblings or others won’t like, they are convinced for the most part. Much like an alcoholic, they then become co-dependent upon themselves, someone else or a substance abuse issue. There are many more examples that could be given but, suffice it to say that the estranged adult has now lost most or all capability of seeing or hearing anything else except what rambles through their own minds. No one can un-convince them of it unless they, themselves, wish to allow it to happen.

They Are NEVER To Blame Nor, Do They Need To Change

These estranged adults never need to change nor, can anyone blame them. Besides, Society and everyone else firstly will believe that adult child no matter how far askew they may be because the side is always on the parent being to blame for the estrangement.

How can anyone else be wrong or have played a part or take responsibility for choices that they’ve made if they are not wrong? Futhermore, how can it be true if that estranged adult child gets a steady diet of “it’s your parent’s faults,”?

One cannot correct anyone who is choosing to be angry and think like this nor, can anyone change someone else’s minds who don’t want to be changed or who believe that they are right and never were at fault?

Answer: It’s impossible!

So, what does one do?

Let’s talk about that in future pieces but, for now, I sincerely hope that no one will fill my comment section with comments that detail hardships or perceived hardships and tell me that I’m “vile”, “disgusting” or anything else one can come up with. I don’t need it, want to hear it nor, will I respond because I am only hearing one side of the story. There are always 2 sides. Somewhere in the middle is the truth.

Remember…I’ve been on both sides of the coin.

Be well, Love and Light,

Have a GREAT day or evening!

Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

9 thoughts on “Estrangement: Reasons For It

  1. And you are…who, Dolores? Do you know me or my estranged adult or anyone else for that matter or only your own situation? You are hopeless. Go read a “how to estrange book” and YOU will learn!


  2. Thank you for writing this ..It is brave to ‘be out there’ with our thoughts and feelings in this situation ..Estrangement and Alienation are still ‘dirty words’ and yes more often than not the finger is pointed at the Parents ! …. I could have written your article , so much resonates with me and believe me I have blamed myself and punished myself time and time again for being a ‘failure of a Mother’ and shouldering the blame for everything that has happened, thankfully I have now made peace with myself with that. We can mould ,shape and change to anything that our Kids demand, command or desire but it will never be right, enough or good enough …. It is so very sad not just for the growing number of Families who are blighted by this ‘disease’ but it tragic for the Generations that follow who will live their lives with the same attitudes and feelings of their ‘Influencers’ …

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I could have written this myself. Thank you! It’s my story too & I’ve also been on both sides of the coin. A mother & grandmother who hasn’t seen her family for six years.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. People who love one another encourage “mending” those who use, manipulate, alienate your adult child as”loving them” are the instigators. She has the need to be in complete control. No one was invited to her wedding on my son’s side except me and my son, made sure I was there when he stopped on his way to the wedding to pick me up to be present for him on his wedding day, none of our side was invited, nor welcomed. I guess I should have been happy with that however I was made aware she was not pleased I was there. I was made aware he would now be more isolated from all his family by his “princess!” Which is what she calls herself. I made many attempts but was excluded at every turn and when she told me I was not invited to the hospital to see my first grandchild, when my son called me to advised I was a grandma she said it was because she never invited me! I have never seen my second grandchild, my son tried to bring him to me to see him but I would not allow him to sneak the child to my workplace, a construction site. This is going on 5 years. I have sent gifts, cards and presents with NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT the last was returned REFUSED. I am grateful she is not in my life but mourn the loss of relationship with my son and now two grandsons. She told me that she was “done,” with me and so were her children. I complained to my son and offered counsellor visit or mediation and she said No!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like we are dealing with the same “princess”. It is sad for us, but even sadder for the grandchildren who will suffer and have a skewed view of how people should act. Not that the “princess” cares. I suspect that your son takes all the blame, too.

      Liked by 1 person

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