It’s Friday. One day blends into the next for many people but, suffice it to say that change is the only real constant in our lives. Nothing or no one remains the same.
That said, I’ve seen, read and been party to many different scenarios with differing things throughout my life thus far. One thing that has stuck out is “pain” and being stuck in it. Journals are filled with the same things being said for decades but, different circumstances. The ideas remain the same.
In speaking to what’s remaining of my family members yesterday, I recognized that each and every one of us on this planet, have our crosses to bear. None of us will sail through this life without them. No one is constantly, “problem free” in other words. What came to mind is that we all need to seek out a path of change for ourselves without looking back at what could have, should have or might be nor, is it a “wish it could be” type of thing. Things are as they are and, we have to adapt to those things, doing what we can, the best way we can.
If we don’t take a different path and change with the changes that happen to, around and with us and our lives, we’ll be stuck. Don’t misunderstand me. I know that change is always hard and oftentimes, heart breaking so to speak. However, one thing stands out more than anything else. We cannot stay stuck in one spot and expect to feel good while everything around us makes its own choice or choices. We have to change as well.
That said, let me say that having an estranged adult child is one of the most painful things that happen to us. It’s a change that none of us saw coming or if we did, we were unable to stop it from happening. That hurts, I know. I’m in that situation, myself. Here’s what I do know though.
People Do What Suits Them Best
That’s a hard concept to handle but it’s the truth. We may or may not have done things perfectly but, were that to be so and, we did do everything perfectly, our adult offspring also have other influences upon them. Being called Mom or Dad doesn’t mean that we’ll always have our adults around us because our adult offspring are going to make decisions based upon what they feel is right for them. It may or may not include parents, family or even former friends however, it’s what they feel they want at that moment in time. Of course we don’t like it. Sure, it hurts. That decision, though we don’t understand it or in spite of the fact that they love to blame parents and family for it all, is their choice. Whether we see it all as a huge mistake or not, it won’t influence their decisions. They are still going to walk out of our lives to have it whether we agree, give them blessings or not. There are reasons for that that are as varied as their are candies in a candy store.
Like Death Estrangement Causes Hurt
There’s no getting around it. For parents of estranged adult offspring, it hurts. Chiefly, it’s akin to a death without a physical death. It’s a choice that our adult offspring can make and, without true abuse or negligence having happened, there is no way for many parents to even patch up the rift that estrangement can cause. In other words, parents are hurting as their adult offspring make this choice for their own reasons which often go unspoken or are done so that the adult can carry on with someone or several others instead. Parents are in grief with no real help because they don’t understand what they’ve done that could be so aggregious to have caused this great a divide. In a lot of cases, there really isn’t any but, that’s what causes the hurt. There’s nothing to “fix” so to speak. It’s all up to that adult offspring.
What The Estranged Adult Doesn’t See
The estranged adult doesn’t see the pain, grief, hurt or, the physical health problems that parents go through when they make a choice as drastic as this. They don’t see the tears, the sleepless nights, the questions that parents have asked themselves, others or the struggle that many of us go through in order to attempt to patch it all up or to cope. They don’t see the decline that their choices have created for their parents. All that they see are what they’ve deemed as “necessary” for them to do, be, have or live with. In other words, the estranged only see what they want to see. It’s one sided and they have the expectation that their lives will be peachy if they don’t have “toxic narcissists” in their lives. Of course, those terms are either self-diagnosed for the most part or, they are spoon-fed by someone else far more mentally unhealthy than the parents ever could have been. Suffice it to say that the estranged don’t see the pain that their choices have caused in all sorts of ways. They only see what they will deem as “best for them”. Selfish? Perhaps but, it’s a reality.
Estranged People Only See Things From Their Perspectives
People don’t like to estrange themselves but, for some reason, they will see it as a necessity because either they have been convinced somehow that it’s the only thing to do. More often than not though, the majority of people who have estranged will give angry reasons why they “had to do it”. They will tell others that “it’s for my own good” or “well being”. Is it true? Not necessarily however, they are only seeing the situation through their eyes. Convinced or not convinced by someone else or themselves, they aren’t thinking of what it is that they’re doing to anyone else. In short, they are thinking of themselves.
Are there circumstances whereby this type of action is needed? Absolutely! As I’ve said before, if there’s true abuse happening or negligence happening then, yes. The real problem lays in how the estranged person is looking upon their situation. It may be a reality that they are being abused or that there is negligence that has or is happening however, by and large, it’s like beauty being in the eye of the beholder. In this case, it may well be that either they, themselves or someone else has helped them come to the belief that there was indeed some form of negligent behaviour or abuse of some type. Was it the truth? That’s the question that most parents, siblings and friends have to answer for themselves. It’s prudent to say here that the vast majority of those who cry “abuse” weren’t at all abused nor, neglected. They are convinced or have been convinced that they were though. In other words, it’s all taken from their perspectives.
Labelling Other People As “Narcissists, Toxic, BiPolar” Etc. Is An Angry Justification
Unless a professional has done tests, interviews and properly diagnosed someone with a NPC (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or some such mental health disorder or illness, no one can be truly labelled as such. Slapping that label onto someone’s foreheads because it’s been read on the net or someone else has said it’s true, doesn’t make it so. In fact, those who do so are angry, bitter people who often will use these types of labels to justify their own actions or lack of them with estranging themselves. It’s a means by which to excuse their want to estrange themselves with a cause and a reason. If there isn’t one readily available to them, they’ll ask others or create one for themselves.
Anger isn’t solely for those who have estranged themselves from others. It’s a common emotion for all parties to have towards one another. It is always amazing when an estranged adult full of venom, spews out hatred, gets a short or snippy answer in return, is surprised by it and proceeds to call everyone who doesn’t agree with them that they are “narcissists” or “narcs” for short. It makes one scratch their heads in wonderment as to what planet these estranged people came from. Why are they even there, trying to fight? What makes them think that everyone will see things as they do? Why be party to a blog or channel where they know full well that others aren’t going to agree with them? Is their word gospel truth and everyone else is wrong, stupid and fallible except them? Do they really think that by spieling out insults towards others that it’s going to change anyone else’s minds to see their sides of things? About the only thing that can be answered to these questions is that the person is obviously mentally unhealthy and therefore, has no basis upon which to judge others. Their labels are simply angry justifications for their choices in actions.
There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See
According to these estranged adults, it’s everyone else who needs to change everything about themselves, apologize and whatever else they feel fit to attach to other people. Yet, these same people cannot see that they, themselves are not innocent, blameless or, that they, themselves also have flaws, faults and warts as well in being people. Their sights are so honed in on how bad everyone else is that they cannot see that their own thinking, actions, choices etc. may also be truly at play or how. Pasts go and are dismissed in the case of good things happening etc.. Good things that the person(s) have done for or with them are forgotten. The person(s) that they’ve estranged from are pure evil in their minds. They cannot see anything else.
In short, they somehow feel “superior” in one way or another to those that they’ve estranged from. There’s no room for anyone else to have any imperfections because they see themselves as not having had any play whatsoever in their choice to estrange themselves. Add to that the idea that should the person(s) that they’re estranging from, has any form of illness (mental or physical) and there’s a reason in and of itself for them to estrange themselves. In other words, there’s little, if any tolerance from them for anything beyond their own needs. Their sights are set upon their own goals and themselves. They cannot see anything else. Case closed.
Those Who Can Find Flaws In Everyone Else Are The Most Flawed Of All
There are those for whom the term “projection” gets used often and yet, they are the ones that can be seen as projecting. That goes most especially for those who will say that others are flawed, faulted or whatever else that they can throw into the mix for good measure. It follows suit that those who can walk away from people who have not abused or neglected them while calling them any of the above mentioned labels, are the most flawed of all. That’s a loaded statement for anyone to make but if the adult offspring can find flaws and faults in everyone around them except those that they’re getting something from or in some way, it’s likely that the person who can do such a thing may be the most flawed of all. Enough said there for now.
Substance Usage Aids Or Degreases
Any form of substance usage or addictions of any kind, including towards another person or people, is said by professionals to be a crutch of sorts. It’s a “degreaser” so to speak and allows people to do things that they ordinarily wouldn’t do. Whether it’s alcohol, a drug or another person, these adults if addicted or pledged towards sticking to that substance or other person, has issues beyond estrangement. While some will blame the parents for this type of dependency and stance, nothing could be further from the truth in most instances. Putting down other people in favour of a substance or a person or both can be said to come from all sorts of other sources. It all truly is a crutch or cane of sorts that degreases the tongue, thinking or any plethora of things that can happen as a result of being “lubricated”.
If All Else Fails Blame The Parents
It’s always interesting and comical to hear adult offspring scream at the tope of their lungs that they want to be grown up and have “their space” while at the same time, shoving parents away to be with friends or spouses etc.. However, when things go wrong in their lives, the parents are the first to either be run back to with expecations of help or, the opposite occurs where anything that they don’t like about their lives happens, the blame for it gets placed upon the parents. It’s quite telling to say the least. This type of behaviour shows immaturity and a lack of responsibility for self. How can this type of person be alone or on their own? Adults who are chronologically considered as grown-ups cannot have both independence as well as their mommies or daddies to back them up and supply what they want, when they want it.
Nothing should be more comical than a so-called adult who is telling other adults that they want independence while screaming out that parents need to change themselves totally to suit the adult offspring and that the parents are responsible for that adult’s choices or lack of them.
Here’s an example:
Adam is in his mid 30’s. His own parents were fed up with him and his lack of drive and ambition. Adam sat around while his siblings were at the least, achieving things in life. There were few, if any friends for Adam and his parents hauled him off of the couch, prying his hands off of video game equipment to get him into other things. Adam, though an adult, refused adamantly. Off to the professionals they went out of frustration in not being able to get Adam to do more than use substances, play video games and sit on the couch or eat and drink whatever they had around. He had refused to go to school of any kind, calling it “stupid” but, also wouldn’t work.
“Throw him out,” responded the professional after several to many sessions. “Let him sink or swim but, either way, you’d be forcing Adam to make some choices in life.”
Adam was kicked out as the professional urged his parents to do with him. Let’s just say that Adam sunk. He didn’t swim. This is where the parents threw him a life raft by offering him a cushy job in their family business. While his family easily could have found someone else to fill someone who’d passed away’s position, they offered the job to Adam, hoping that he’d learned his lesson or at the least, they’d be saving him from himself.
Adam had everything handed to him, including a position that people would line up to have, a car, a cell phone, insurance, gas, maintenance on that car and so many more perks that it would make most of our heads spin. What did Adam do? He balked at the work after awhile of having it.
“I saved them,” Adam protested. “I want more!”
Adam was then offered a position within that company, many, if not the same perks but, a lowered salary in return for a commission.
Did that suit Adam? What’s your guess?
Adam was fired. Don’t fret though for Adam. Adam was rehired with a little finesse from Adam’s family and sibling who also had a cushy job within the family company. This is where Adam was last heard from but, suffice it to say that Adam still remained within the business at a much lower position than he had ever had within the company. He was lucky to be working at all.
Adam lied his way through things though. He often spoke to others about how much he hated his father and even his mother whom he said was an addict to a substance abuse issue. It wasn’t of consequence though because Adam had lied to a young woman in order to control her into paying half of his bills and moving in with him so that he didn’t need to be alone. Half or more of their monthly income went towards his substances of choice. There wasn’t just one but, several.
Adam’s one saving grace with this young woman was that he slowly took over control of her, downgrading her friends, parents, family and everyone else he could downplay with and to her. She believed him and traded in her relationship with everyone she ever knew in order to be with him. Let’s just say for simplicity’s sake that she had done this before.
Pathetically, Adam degraded everyone and everything that he could. He often complained bitterly about his family, parents as well as everything and everyone that he could while doing little to nothing to help himself in life. He was one entitled, controlling person. He still is to date.
The moral of Adam’s story?
Adam calls all parents and people of authority of any kind, “grey hairs” and he thinks of them all as “stupid”. He blames his parents for his own lack of healthy choices and habits, wants them and everyone he knows to “change” and if they don’t like that idea, he’ll walk on them or, he’ll “play the game” to keep what he’s got because it all pays his bills. What comes out of Adam’s mouth is not the reality of his situation. While it took some time to get the story straight, if one were to listen only to Adam, they’d believe that Adam’s parents and family were all horrible people. In truth, Adam has a long way to go towards being a healthy person in a lot of ways. He may have learned intelligence through a lot of time on his hands and substance usage but, he lacks greatly in maturity as well as tolerance. Asking Adam what he needs to do nets one the answer of him needing to “get high as f**K”. That’s Adam’s extent of ability, drive and determination. His parents are to blame for him being that way if one were to listen only to Adam and not know the truth.
In wrapping this piece up for now, let it be known that while none of us on this planet are anywhere near perfection or being problem-free, estrangement is not the only way to deal with imperfection. Estranging is usually a way out for those who are weak and lack the abilities to deal with non-abuse but, a difference of opinion in life.
That said, I hope not to have an inbox filled with hate, anger and bitterness from those who have estranged from family or anyone else for that matter. I don’t live with you, haven’t and I never will. Your story is unknowable to me as a writer. Don’t try it. Your own story of “abuse” is inconsequential to me without hearing the other side of things as well. Thank you for understanding that point.
That said, have a GREAT day or evening.
Love and Light!