How Smug Feelings Can Lead To Regrets When Estranged

There have been many times when I’ve sat back and wondered what my estranged adult daughter will do when her father and I are no longer available to her in one way or for one reason or another. This point was reinforced by watching CNN with Anderson Cooper’s tribute to his Late mother, Gloria Vanderbilt who passed away after 9 days with a diagnosis of a cancer that ended her life.

~I Am Human Too So, There May Come A Time When I Won’t Remember You Were Ever Part Of My Life~

The sadness in me, quickly turns to fear when I hear adult children cry when a parent dies or leaves their lives one way or another. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t wonder how will my own daughter cope? It frightens me greatly to know that she’s also chosen to distance herself from what’s remaining of her family or blood as well as old friends. What will become of her if her life as she knows it, were it to crumble and not be the Wonderland that she obviously feels that it is now? What if the Prince that she’s chosen to be with, turns out to be the toad that a lot of people have experienced in, with and feel him to be? What may happen to her, her emotions, her life then? Who will she have to lean upon? Will she be alone in this life? Will the person that she’s chosen over everyone else at this moment, be around for and with her? As secure as she may feel or your own children may feel at this moment, a parent’s love never stops nor, does the worry that comes with that emotion.

I’ve been with family members, holding their hands, stroking their foreheads and watching as my own parents and in-law parents died as well as my brother a few years ago. There were a lot of heart-wrenching, not to mention gut-churning regrets that I’ve had with each of them as my brain turns over every leaf of my life with these people. In spite of me having done everything that one could think of for all of them, I still harbour these pieces of guilt, anger, worry, fear etc., and, all have left their marks upon me. They are forever with me and won’t go away no matter how many therapists I’ve seen and talked over this topic.

Regret of neglected opportunity is the worst hell that a living soul can inhabit. 

Rafael Sabatini

A lot of parents have asked me what will become of their estranged adult (children) offspring. I have no answers for that one. As “hardened” as they may think that they are right now, as much as they feel that they “hate us” or that they need to stay away from us in order to be “healthy” (self-created isolation or influenced or not), there will inevitably come a point in their lives whereby, they feel remorse, regret and that they should have done something differently.

No matter how good a relationship anyone can have with someone else, not only is there grief to deal with but, there are also potential regrets that everyone has to deal with as time passes. Anyone who has lost someone that they love, knows this much. While most of these estranged adults hasn’t had to suffer loss of any kind within the family because other adults took the brunt of it for them, there will come a time when there are no buffers for them. They will have to be faced with the repercussions of their decisions no matter how smug they may be at this moment in time. The writing is on the wall for them. It’s that which I worry about amongst other things as mentioned above.

What is especially disturbing to see, read or listen to are those estranged adults who ramble on about how little they care or how much they hate their families, parents, siblings etc.. Meanwhile, they feel content in their lives as they move about them with significant others or those who they think will be around for the rest of their days, including their own children. It may not be the case where their own offspring will be there for them. As they have done to parents like us, their own children could potentially choose to do the same type of thing to them.

Perhaps, they’ve had no children. Maybe, they feel that having no children means that they will never be estranged from because there aren’t any to walk away? It could be that these adults feel that they’ve made the correct choice for themselves. However, there is the possibility that someone that they care for greatly, will walk out on them as they have done to families or parents, siblings and even friends. What happens to them in that case?

Parents gave you life and much more. Never forget it.

In case someone thinks that they are punishing someone else in order to have what it is that they think that they want right now, the reality of Life is that there will come a time when one or the other, perhaps many, will depart this life in one way or another. Lest you be thinking, “good, I don’t care”, it’s prudent to let you know that you may feel that way at this moment but, the chances are good that grief, regret and nasty feelings will sour this type of stance. Anger, bitterness, hatred and whatever else you think that you feel towards that person or people, tend to melt and blend into worse feelings later on when they are no longer available to you. You are all wished the best and only the best no matter what but, always remember that choices have been made and what seemed like a great idea at this moment, may not feel the same down the road or at some point or another. Will it be too late then? Only you can decide that much for yourself. No one else can do it for you and I do mean NO ONE.

On that morbid but, realistic point of view, I wish everyone,

Love and Light!

Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

2 thoughts on “How Smug Feelings Can Lead To Regrets When Estranged

  1. Today is my estranged daughter’s 33rd birthday.

    We have not had a kind word from her in over 5 years.

    My estranged son’s birthday was back in May. I texted him “Happy Birthday,” and he texted back, giving me his new address, but mostly chiding me for not addressing him “properly.”

    Last letter I got from ED was pretty venomous. I thought, “Do I text her?” but then I thought, “Nah, probably not.” She threatened us with legal action if we attempted to contact her again, and while I find it hard to believe that any court in the land would give her an RO, Why go through it?

    Then I thought that maybe I would share this piece with her…

    And then I thought better of it.

    Can’t parent someone who has viciously cut you out of her life, can’t love them or reach out to them.

    Not going to put my hand to the flame ever again.

    Liked by 1 person

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