I know that there’s pain and hurt behind the anger on both sides of the story and yet, I’ve been getting a flurry of comments, emails and notes from those who have estranged themselves from their parents and, or families. It’s sad to say the least to hear some of their stories as some of them are truly abused.
I used to wonder why it is that people who have estranged themselves would be so interested in anything to everything that I have to say on the subject. Even though I am not talking about parents who have abused, neglected or even have mental health issues, I still hear these types of accounts. My disclaimers are fully clear for all to see:
- I am NOT a mental health professional
- We are NOT talking about TRULY abusive or neglectful parenting
More often though, many will come to me with stories that would curl anyone’s hair and leave one wanting to find the nearest bridge to leap from or some such act. Suffice it to say that anyone with a heart would be feeling down in hearing the atrocities that have been done on both sides of this coin ie: the estranged adult or the parent or grandparent(s). It’s heart wrenching to even think about as it takes me back to my younger years and being abused by a nasty drunken mother as well as now that I am part of the estranged parent’s club. I don’t want to be but, I am and I never did estrange from my own situation while younger. Perhaps, according to these estranged adults, I should have but, I didn’t.
Fast forward to today when I’m reading these pieces, comments, emails etc. and something hit me.
Those who are watching my videos or reading my pieces on YouTube or here and who have estranged, must be looking or searching for something.
Some comments from estranged adults seem plainly outright nasty, bitter, angry and such. It’s hard to fathom what they really mean but by and large, they have done a search for estranged adult information and are greeted by my thoughts. Why? I’ve clearly stated my position and why I’m there in many ways so, why not simply click off of whatever I say or do? Why hang around to comment, write emails to me or whatever else they can do. After all, I don’t have a gun to their heads nor am I dangling them over a 13 storey building by their boot laces. Why bother with me at all?
Of course, there are always the “Internet Trolls” as I and many others have called them who simply love to spew out venom anywhere and to everyone that they can because they’ve had a bad day or they don’t like the pimple on their faces. Who knows why they come out to begin with? However, by and large, a great deal of them are true people who though seemingly insulting, they are actually angry, bitter and reaching out to anyone who will listen to them even if they disagree with my thoughts because it doesn’t fit with what they’ve been through, themselves. In spite of all of that and my disclaimers, I hear their accounts and it all greatly pains me as they had reason to estrange from parents and perhaps, even their children from their grandparents.
Can you be sure that what they’re saying is right?
It’s nearly impossible for me or anyone else for that matter who hasn’t lived with anyone to know what is right or what is created. I can only be human and go by what I’m being told. Don’t get me wrongly here as I do see through “crap” so to speak far more quickly than the average person. That goes for parents as well as estranged adults. What I do know though for certain is that everyone has a reason for feeling the pain, real, created, imagined or influenced or whatever it may be as the case. I don’t judge but, in a world that’s filled with electronic internet with fake names etc., it’s weeding through it all that takes the time, energy and effort on my part. Give people enough rope and the truth in either direction, comes out somehow.
What is it that you’ve learned?
None of us as humans ever stop learning but, let’s take this as an example of things that I have learned.
- People will often be thinking in differing directions. This fact doesn’t make one right and the other wrong but, it does tell us that somehow, some way, someone or something is at play in the separation of minds and each other.
- Every case is different while being the same at the bottom line.
- Parents need not look beyond the idea of, “did I abuse them or a substance or not take a medication and therefore, I was miserable with my child? Do I need to apologize? If not, it’s purely the estranged adult’s issue to deal with and parents need not chase them down. They don’t want it.
- A child is not a “god” no matter how old or educated that they are or feel that they are. They are simply other human beings who have to go through Life. Heaven forbid that their child, children or future children should ever put them in the pain that they’ve put someone or several others.
- Parents are people too. We are not “gods” either. We get ill, have mental illnesses, problems, snap or lash out, are filled with warts, flaws and faults as well. If anyone on either side thinks that they’ve never done anything wrong to annoy anyone else, think again. We all have done so.
- While parents are expected to be the ones who are responsible for estrangement for the most part, that’s not at all the case for a lot of parents.
- Adult children who estrange themselves MUST be sure of facts before they pass judgement upon their parents. Judge not lest ye be judged as well. I have no idea where that saying came from but, I find it to be true. It’s either that or “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” or, “let those without sin be the first to cast the first stone.”
- Other influences can also be at play. Most of those who influence the estrangement, have their own agendas.
- Estranged adults come to believe that their own ‘truths’ or that of others, is the way that it was without question.
- People will see things differently, meaning that the estranged won’t see the issues that parents had to face nor, will the parent see what their estranged adult sees. Neither side has a leg up on the other in how things were or are because one cannot change how the other sees things and how they were. It would take someone unbiased to see and decipher it all.
- If the estranged adult feels that they are right (abuse and neglect aside that is) and need some sort of apology for something that wasn’t in the parent’s minds or wasn’t true, made up or whatever it may have been (half of which won’t be accepted if said anyway) then, that estranged adult also has to make an apology to that parent for their behaviour as no one is perfect. Every estranged adult causes pain or hurt of some kind or another even if they don’t see how it was that they did
- Excusing themselves from wrong/bad behaviour doesn’t make the estranged adult right and the parent wrong as people. It only makes it that estranged adult’s point of view, often which was influenced in some way or another by someone or another.
- Sitting back, condemning someone else is wrong on both sides. It’s a dead lock if parents have truly done something bad/wrong and the parent doesn’t see it in themselves or vice versa however, to believe that whatever that’s alleged (short of true abuse or neglect not made-up scenarios or singly said by the estranged adult) is NOT grounds for an adult to estrange themselves from their parents and by causing their children to stop seeing their grandparents.
- Parents are simply people too. They deserve respect and love in the same way that they have shown their estranged adults. Help is also considered to be something that the estranged adult needs to take into consideration in the same way that they, themselves have spent upon their own children (the parent’s grandchildren). That is also true of those who walked or paced the floors, paid for things, baby sat for the estranged adult or whatever else was given to them as adults who have estranged themselves.
- If the estranged adult wants substances, a certain lifestyle or person or whatever, that’s on that estranged adult. On top of having that person or substance or whatever as part of their lives, they’ve often fought to have someone else or something else as part of their lives in lieu of the parent/grandparents/siblings/friends instead while putting those parents into a corner of pain, hurt and even anger. Is it worth it? That’s what everyone who estranges themselves need to ask themselves first.
- Not everyone in estranged adult’s lives are as they portray themselves to be. While one may think that someone else is better because they provide a, b and x, the truth is that these people often have their own agendas for doing so. It’s worthy of being fully questioned because that person can disappear from one’s life and that estranged adult may find themselves bereft of having more than acquaintances/friends if that much. Once bridges are burnt, they are oftentimes burnt and there’s no going back.
- Everyone has some form of flaw, fault and wart. Believing that one’s own excrements don’t stink too is like believing that one is somehow, omnipotent and above it all. No one is but, the estranged adults who think that they have few to NO faults and the parents are all to blame even if a mental health issue exists, is not right.
This list is only a partial list but, it’s a start. There’s plenty more to think about as we all come to learn.
From my little corner of life to yours, one side or the other, which is what it’s boiled down to now, isn’t perfect. Tolerance of such is worthy of more than a consideration. When there’s nothing left with which to deal the cards with or try any longer, parents…give it time. Give them time and if it never comes together while you’re still breathing there’s no use in chasing. It not only does no good but, it harms the situation.
About the only other thing that should be said here is that if you are an estranged adult who hasn’t been abused by your parent(s) or other family members, re-think what it is that you’re doing because oftentimes, eventually you’ll figure out that what you fought so hard for or to have, wasn’t worth the further pain that you’ll have later on. Think about that and simply chew on it for now.
Be well, Love and Light,
Have a GREAT day/evening!