Time For Estranged Parents To Rise Up Against Estrangement

Is it time to rise up against feeling sorry for oneself because of estrangement?

I feel like we all as parents, need to be “Norma Rae”. Where’s my table to stand upon and shout out to all that we need to stand up and scream out that we’ve had enough of bull? That’s what this is all about, pure bull. For few adults in this life, there’s little reason for estranging oneself from parents unless there were to have been true abuse. Unfortunately, many won’t or don’t recognize when there’s been true abuse or where it’s all been created in their minds through some other person or influence upon them.

Parents aren’t “Toxic, Narcissists” or whatever other terms that they come up with while they cry on someone else’s shoulder.

True abuse and neglect aside, which does happen and we are not talking about those adults, I’ve seen so many work up reasonings that make the most trivial of details into something that requires them to estrange then, cry out that it’s their parent’s faults and beg to be felt sorry for by something or someone.

Let’s all simply say that the reasonings are totally out of whack with what’s been done to them. Their friends, bosses, teachers, co-workers, “significant others”, religions and other factors have done far worse to them than parents could ever dream of having done in most cases yet, parents will be slapped with labels and coloured with the same crayons. All of this is to justify their actions or choices. Pure and simple.

Sadly, many parents who have had their child or children estrange from them will bow down, keep quiet and not say a word because they are either feeling guilty, shamed, embarrassed or some half-baked, misguided “therapist” has told them that the child is always right. This isn’t some department store where “the customer is always right”. It’s real life and it’s happening more often than it has. The difference is that parents are beginning to realize that it’s time to wake up and talk versus sitting quietly, crying into a mound of tissues, hiding their faces and voices lest they make things worse. How much worse can one get than having no contact hearing crickets, getting back hateful responses or being slapped with self or search engined loosely defined labels?

Isn’t it time for parents who have been estranged from to stand up for themselves?

It doesn’t seem to matter what was truly done or not for that estranged adult, the fact that they have little tolerance for anyone who disagrees with anything that they want in life is showing most of us that our darlings have been over pampered, given far too many rights and yes, even information that is enough to get them into trouble but, not enough to get them out of it.

Let’s call a donkey’s butt a donkey’s butt rather than calling it anything else and wracking ourselves up into a stew of guilt, shame and blame. Our now adults are alive, most of them are that way because we, as parents, did a lot for them. It doesn’t matter what we did for them, the reality is that we raised them to the point of being able to breathe. While there are as many stories as one can think of coming out of these adult’s mouths, the truth is that none of them know what it is that they’re speaking of because either someone else with an agenda or something that they’ve heard elsewhere, has given them the idea that we are bad for them in one way or another. Yet, there they are, alive, living as they have deemed necessary, proclaiming that they are better off without parents as part of their lives.

Meanwhile, parents of estranged adults are sitting back, fear riddled, guilt filled, shamed and blamed into a corner where they will sit quietly, hoping and crying about the estrangement. It’s time for parents to rise up and say that they aren’t going to take it anymore rather than hiding from others who may ask questions or think that they are being blamed. So what if you are? Who truly cares? You know the reality that even if you’ve transgressed something, there’s more good that you’ve done than bad for your estranged adults.

Even if blame, shame and guilt have been accepted, does sitting in a corner, crying or doing everyday chores with a box of tissues beside you or up your sleeve if you’re like me, actually change anything in your adult who has estranged? Does it change your situation in any way? Are you hanging onto hope that they will return to you if you’re quiet enough about it all? How’s that working out for you? it’s not worked out for me except that the tissue manufacturers are getting higher profit margins as are these deluded, misguided, uninformed professionals.

From my little corner of life, I’ve done a lot of research and I recognize that it’s time that estranged parents stood up, be counted, voice what’s on their minds, toss the shame, blame and hope blankets that we’ve all been wearing to the side and actually do something about this situation before more and more parents are wracked with pain of some kind or another. What about you?

Have your say below in comments.

Be well, Love and Light,

Have a GREAT day/evening!

4 thoughts on “Time For Estranged Parents To Rise Up Against Estrangement

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  1. Estrangement isn’t an impulsive decision as some may like to believe. Many people spend a lot of time mulling it over and even try to reconcile before they actually do it, and even then there is a great amount of shame put on the adult child for being ungrateful and selfish for trying to find some peace. Of course there are going to be some children who are truly ungrateful, but there are also parents who do not have the awareness to see that they may carry some fault. After all, while a child is growing up they ultimately have no control of their own life and are at the complete mercy of there parents.

    I was emotionally neglected as a child. I grew up very isolated. By 13 I was in so much despair that I almost committed suicide. Growing up I was also led to believe that I was a burden on my parents. Made to feel like my simple needs were an inconvenience to my parents and that I should not have them. As a child all you want is for your parents to be happy, but you cannot see that it is not your job to fulfill that role. A child should never be brought into the world to fill the needs of their parents.

    I still have no idea why my parents decided to have children. I have never even heard them tell me that they love me, and neither have my siblings. Not once in my entire life. At a young age my mom was already looking forward to the day that my older sister and I would move out, like she couldn’t wait to have her life back. Except that, a few years later, my parents went ahead and had a third child. Growing up my father was and still is very emotionally unavailable. Living with him was like two ships passing in the night. At the same time, my mother’s care was conditional. Over time I noticed that she only really cared for me when it was expected of her or made her look like a good mother to other people. I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect, because being an impressive child was really the only way that I could get their attention. At some point I just got tired of being treated like a show pig. In public I was such a great child according to my mother, in private I couldn’t seem to do anything right by her standards.

    On top of the emotional neglect, they never taught me to take care of myself. I had to learn just about everything on my own because nobody ever taught me how to do anything. When I was finally on my own I had to learn how to cook, clean, do laundry, do my taxes, even check my oil, all on my own. I am finally financially independent and live a thousand miles away from them. I do not miss them, not because I hate them, simply because I do not have the capacity to miss someone that I never enjoyed being around in the first place. At the age of 22 I have finally been professionally diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD that my parents never bothered to notice. I have to spend at least $200 per month, about 10% of my monthly paycheck, on counseling, psychiatric services and medication in order to try to properly take care of myself. It wasn’t even until 20 years old that I finally experienced unconditional love for the first time. The first time that I found someone who loved me for who I am, and not just the qualities that he could show off to his friends and family. He was the one who made me strong enough to finally get on medication like I needed.

    When I finally decided not to talk to my mother anymore it was a highly emotional experience for me. I had to accept the fact that my family would never give me the love and support I needed. They only ever made me feel worse. I went into mourning for a relationship that I had always hoped I could have with my parents because I finally accepted that it just wasn’t likely to happen. I did not estrange my parents because I wanted them to suffer. I did it because even speaking to them hurt me. Talking to your parents should be a positive experience. You should feel safe around them and be able to trust them with your thoughts and emotions. I have never felt like that with them. Talking with my father on the phone can make me depressed for the rest of the day and talking with my mother can send my anxiety through the roof. I don’t want them to suffer. After all this time I just want to be left alone. I have tried to talk to my father about how I feel and that he has never spoken to me like an adult but nothing got through and nothing changed. Why continue to talk to someone who doesn’t actually listen?

    According to my brother, my father believes I am ungrateful and my mother is confused by my actions. Maybe in the future I will be able to reconcile with them, but every relationship is a two way street and I cannot truly do anything if they refuse to meet me in the middle. I am also not trying to blame my parents for all my problems. As I have already said, I have already taken responsibility for my own life and are doing things to improve myself. While I do think that the emotional neglect I experienced while growing up is a result of their poor parenting, at the end of the day the only one who can change me is myself. Before I was 18 I was at the mercy of my parent’s control, but now that I have full control of my life I can begin to unlearn the unhealthy things I was taught from a young age. Not talking to my parents is a way of preventing myself from regressing into my previous mindset where I felt like a helpless child that couldn’t do anything right.

    Estrangement isn’t a selfish act. Not when the parents have no concern for the well being of their child. Eventually I just came to the conclusion that they were never going to put my needs before their own. When you encounter people who are selfish like that, your only choice is to put your own needs before theirs because it is the only way to get what you need. I grew up thinking that if I just loved my parents harder, if I just tried to be perfect like they wanted, then we could eventually be a happy family. After 22 years I finally gave up trying to please them, and it was one of the best things I have done for myself. They may or may not think I owe them, I have no control over what they think or feel about me. But with everything I have been through, I am simply too drained. Its hard to give when you don’t even have enough for yourself. I was taught by my parents that I should always put everyone’s needs before my own. Now I finally see that you can’t pour when your cup is empty. Until I can fill my own cup, and who knows how long that will take with my current mental health, I simply do not have the energy to try to maintain a relationship with people who expect too much of me

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear of your troubles, Bernie. Of course, I am not speaking of those who were truly abused as you say that you were.

      Of course, I only know your version of things/this story so, I cannot comment fully on it and can only trust what it is that you’re telling me in this story is correct vs as some have done, spouted off versions of their own making or that of someone else’s or some religion. Yes, I’ve heard it all so, excuse me for not being able to judge your personal situation. In a lot of cases, I hope that you realize, there were influences from others who have caused estrangement or even those who have re-written their histories in order to justify their actions or some sort of substance abuse or mental health issues (on the estranged adult’s side) which cause it to happen. it’s that which I am talking about, not true abuse or neglect.

      I wish you nothing but the very best in life and hope that you can find some happiness, somehow, some way. You are one example of how it is that estrangement is what you needed to do in order to escape the neglect etc..

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    1. AMEN, Maryanne. I think that it’s time for parents who have been estranged from to stand up (TOGETHER as one voice doesn’t make a difference it seems…the MASSES get the attention) to call upon “professionals” (ie: therapists, counsellors, school boards) to change their policies to include Estrangement and make these adults think about this topic BEFORE they make a decision to cut parents/family/siblings/friends off from their lives. Thank you! HUGE HUGS XO XO XO

      Like

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