I’ve been making a huge mistake. I’m big enough to admit that I now get it and have been wrong all along. Adult Children Need To Estrange Themselves from their parents and here’s why and how to do it.
Find something that you have a qualm about with your parent even if it’s not abuse.
Yes, there are certain steps to estranging that need to be taken first. After all, this is not an overnight thing. While it can be done, it’s usually able to be said later that this was a long time coming and a last ditch attempt so, pick something, somewhere to start up about so that it can grow in size until you’ve figured out how to use it to cut off all ties with your parents.
Tell them that they need to change.
It doesn’t matter what they come back at you with, realize that you’re the one who doesn’t need to change. They do. Insist upon it. Never let up in letting them know that you know how to live and they don’t. Make sure that they know that you’re serious and if they don’t change as people, you’re out of their lives. That should get them on the run and if they don’t change anything about themselves, you already have grounds to walk away right there. Take it slowly though because you don’t want them to think that you had it all planned out. I’m only giving these tips or creating a short versioned manual to help you get started on estranging yourself. Ensure that you’ve allowed them plenty of time and chances to change so that you can tell them that much. Don’t give them any excuses.
Call them Narcissists, Toxic and that you’re all enmeshed.
Create as huge a blow-up as you can with which to base these labels. Don’t worry that you’re not a doctor. These labels are simply aides. There’s enough information on the internet to get you by with. All that you need is a few terms and a basic understanding of them. Search engine it all in order to arm yourself with whatever is needed but, use those labels as often as you can. It never hurts to learn a few other terms if you can as well but, these are the basics that are necessary to be used.
Tell them that a therapist has told you what they are.
It doesn’t matter if you have a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, the internet or whatever is at your disposal to make these determinations. All that matters is that you’ve done the research so that you have some terms to throw at them. Adding into the mix that you’ve seen a therapist, means that parents pay attention. That’s what you want. Actually, that’s what you want to have happen.
Argue and fight with them whenever possible
If you’re not already, now would be an excellent time to start into fights with them. Teenagers are notorious for yelling at parents but, it gets a little harder to believe when you’ve grown up to the adult stage. Disarm them. They need that awakening to the idea that you’re not happy and want something different from them or plainly want something from them that they’re not giving to you. Fighting and arguing with them constantly or as needed or possible is a sure-fired way to capture their attention. They will know that something is not right if you’re upset a good portion of the time.
Don’t listen to the old “I can’t afford it” because they can
If you want the best wedding or you wish to have a new car, don’t pay any attention to their cries of not being able to afford whatever it is that you want. They can afford it. Trust me. I am a parent too and I can tell you that with 3 jobs under my belt, there’s always money to buy you whatever it is that you want or demand enough. Trust me, they want to please you and will fear you walking off into the sunset. Throw that at them and they’ll cave into your demands to not have that happen. They don’t want it to happen so even if they have to pull up a line of credit, put it on credit or co-sign for a loan for you, they will find a way. By the way, if you have a loan co-signed for you by them, you needn’t worry about it. Stop paying and your parents are on the hook for it. Not you if you default on payments. They did it. It’s their responsibility to pay it off for you and they will. They don’t want to have their own credit rating ruined. They’re resourceful and anything that you want, they will go for.
Never let them forget that they owe you
You’re going to hear things like I did…and you can fill in the blanks here to the umpteenth degree of things that they’ve done for you. Don’t fall for it. They decided to have a child or children so, it’s their responsibility and they owe you for that choice that they made. You didn’t ask to be born but, they decided that for you. You may be alive because they made that choice and did whatever it is that they can throw at you but, don’t fall prey to it. They are playing the victim card. Be hardened to it and them. They owe you because you are alive.
Their marriages are not your responsibility nor, are their divorces but, you can use it as a launching pad into getting whatever it is that you want or for estranging from them
Divorce is one of the biggest reasons for you to use as a reason for estrangement. Whatever happened during their marriage is not up to you but, let them know that it bothered you and why. Create something or have the parent you pick to be with, tell you what your mother or father were and why. You don’t have to think about anything. Plenty of reasons will be given to you that you can use. The reasons will be plentiful for you. The best thing is that you can and should use parent’s vulnerabilities to get whatever it is that you want. They are buying your loyalty so that they can lourde it over the other parent. Use it to your advantage in as many ways as you can.
Use Society’s message of you have rights against them
Society and others have done research that has cost millions or billions of dollars over the years. These studies show that you have rights and, your parents don’t have many. You have gone and gotten an education so, you’re far smarter than they ever could be even if they also went for further education beyond high school. They got rid of you and even if they paid for that education, they had a break but, that still doesn’t make them as intelligent as you are. Remember that much. Society has told you, teachers, school, articles, friends, spouses, significant others and such that you do have rights and should never be under your parent’s authority. Remember that it’s all about being rewarded for behaviour even if you only put in minimal effort and received a participation reward. You had to get there, get changed out of pyjamas or track pants. It doesn’t matter that your parents drove you there. You deserve it and anyone who tells you differently is wrong. Knowing your rights makes it easier because parents aren’t as wise as you are or Society’s studies, right?
Once you’re ready to walk out and estrange yourself, be sure to announce that you no longer want your parents, siblings, pets, former friends or whomever it is that you had and no longer want, as part of your life
Contrary to popular belief this is an important step to estranging yourself from everything or everyone that you no longer wish to be party to. Declaring that you no longer want them around you is essential. You need to do this to ensure that you have no further interactions with them. Block them on every social media platform that you can and make sure that they know that you mean business. You’re not playing around. You’re mad and you’re not about to take it any longer. That’s key here. One door left open is too much to be left open. If they can, they’ll find a window to crawl through if you let them. They will say that they love you and their doors are always open to you so, they will expect that your doors and windows are open to them as well. You will always have the advantage even if they are narcissists and truly believe that they do have these avenues to get to you.
Don’t forget to use any children that you have or may have
This may seem insignificant because it’s about you but, it’s important to know that many parents find having a grandchild or grandchildren that they cannot see, unbearable. Make sure that you bring up your own children and how they cannot see or talk to any of them if you have them. If you don’t have them, you may have them one day. When you do have them, be sure to get that piece of information to someone you know your parents will hear about and give that person your child/children’s name(s). It will drive your parents crazy and send them back into a crying jag if you do that because they wanted to be part of your life and now, their grandchildren’s lives. Your children are an extension of you. Remember that so, any closeness that they could have had with your children mean that they will go nuts if they can’t have part of them either. This way, you are ensuring that your parents won’t have part of you in any way. It’s all about you. Remember that much.
Finally, be sure that if you cross them, bump into them or whatever by accident if you haven’t been able to move, you are as mean, cold and icy as possible
Think of all of the hard work that you’ve had to put into estranging yourself from your parent(s), siblings or whatever you’ve estranged from. You don’t want it undone by a simple pleasantry, do you? Never leave that window open or unlocked because they will have hope and enter it if you give them the chance. Be cold. Actually, be as icy and ignoring as possible if you know that they haven’t changed into what you wanted them to be. Parents don’t change as people. They can change their values but, they don’t change their basic personalities. Even if you see them infirm, in wheelchairs, with walkers or whatever it is that they have with them, don’t fall for it. They are playing on your empathy, sympathy and they simply want you to help them. Don’t do it. Don’t feel badly. It’s their lot in life and they deserve every bad thing that happens to them. They brought it upon themselves, right? You were born to them and they owed it to you to take care of you while you were growing up and couldn’t do it for yourself. Your parents have workers that can come in and hopefully, even if you’ve heard that they are completely alone, there’s nursing homes that they can go to. Don’t fall for it. You don’t owe them care or concern. They owe you because you are here on this planet. It was their choices.
It’s ok to wish them dead. Don’t feel guilty for it. You’ve had little if anything to do with them for awhile now. It’s only normal for you to wish them dead or to be off of your plate. They were rotten people as parents so, they deserve all that life and you can dish out to them.
From my little corner of life, this is a primer or beginning to estranging oneself. There’s more to it but, I will let you in on Insider’s Secrets of parenting, their tricks, their foibles, their weaknesses, the narcissistic personalities and how you can extricate yourself from their lives.
Love and Light!