Grey Matter Still Works During Estrangement

Did you raise your child to have a brain and thinking of their own?  I mean, truly…do you believe that your now-adult child was raised with some sort of intelligence or are they totally reliant upon others to think for them?

If you answered “YES” that you do believe that your adult offspring do have brains of their own, then you have to give credit to them to be able to think for themselves.   Doing otherwise would mean that you don’t give your estranged adult’s grey matter abilities any credit whatsoever.

Take, for instance, the parent who believes that their child has been so heavily influenced by someone else that whatever brains that they did possess, have been hijacked or confiscated so completely and entirely that they lack all ability to be able to think for themselves.

Let’s take the example of “Y”.

“Y” grew up in a household where the usual things happened within it.  Mother, father, perhaps, divorce and whatever else happened.  “Y” was possibly given a spanking or so when “Y” was little or “Y’s” mother/father uttered those famous words, “stop being so silly/stupid/crazy”.  *GASP* said with a chuckle.

As “Y” grew a bit, “Y” became able to go to school.  “Y’s” parent(s) and sibling(s) were less important now because “Y” had other influences in Life.

By the time that “Y” had reached their mid-teens or so, “Y” had many influences beyond family and home and therefore, “Y’s” influences became multifold.  Many others were a part of “Y’s” experiences in Life.

When “Y” reached the age of College/University, “Y” may have been driving a car, off as a resident at a boarding facility or dorm and many, many others were more influential within their lives.  Even teachings had become more a part of “Y’s” life now than “Y’s” parent(s), family or sibling(s) were.  As a matter of fact, “Y” may have been so busy with school life that “Y” had little to do with their family at all thus, making “Y’s” peers, dormmates, teachers and even teachings from school far more influential than taking the time to have something to do with their family.  In other words, “Y’s” contact with their family may have not been initiated or returned often by “Y”.

At the time that “Y” became of age to get a job somewhere, not only had “Y’s” family become less important to “Y” but, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and perhaps, spouses or soon-to-be spouses became far more both important and influential with “Y”.  “Y” actually had no time for family or friends beyond the obligatory time that was begged for or demanded or expected by “Y” or “Y’s” family.

Enter “X” and “Z” or perhaps, even “U” who were more important to “Y” than almost everything and anyone else was in “Y’s” life.  Meanwhile, the umbilical cord was still attached and “Y” didn’t want to cut it yet because “Y” feared what may happen if they needed something from family.

After some time, “Y” decided that “U” and what “U” offered was enough and “Y’s” family became less and less needed until “Y” decided with “U” that “Y’s” family was nothing except a hindrance to “Y”.  Who was ousted?

If you guessed that “Y” decided to get rid of their family or parent(s), you’d be correct however, one question would still remain for “Y’s” family.  That was the one question that “Y” couldn’t answer.  Instead, “Y” gave out the old and much-repeated response of “you know” or fabricated events that never occurred in “Y’s” home or with the family.  In other words, “Y” was justifying the exit that they’d made from their entire past for “U” and to be with “U”.

This type of occurrence is wide-spread but, “Y’s” family/parent(s) felt alone and of course, guilty.  Society and even “experts” had told them that they were to blame and gave them a set of things that they could try in order to get “Y” back into their lives.

Over time, “Y’s” parent(s) said that they loved “Y” to “Y” and that the door was always open to “Y”.  This though, only caused “Y” to block or ignore and further blame the family or parent(s) because “Y” wasn’t at all interested in being part of family life any longer.  There was no need because “Y” now had “U” instead and “U” filled “Y’s” life so fully that “Y” felt only the need to fabricate more “reasons” to stay away.

As time went by further, “Y’s” family began to become ill, infirm, had hardships, disabilities and a plethora of other things that happened to them.  “Y” though, didn’t appear to care.  “Y” had “U” and now, “Y” was a parent themselves to “b” and “c”, with “d” on the way.  “b”, “c” and eventually, “d” would not be allowed to see “Y’s” parent(s) or have them as grandparents because “Y” had deemed them as The Devil(s) and “Y” didn’t hide their opinions of the family or parent(s) from “b”, “c” and eventually “d”.  “b”, “c” and “d” didn’t seem to care because they were young and, “Y’s” explanations about “Y’s” family or parent(s) was taken as Gospel Truths.

What’s the one thing that “Y’s” family or parent(s) should take away from this story or example?

It’s that “Y” had set this up for “Y’s” own reasoning.

Perhaps, “U” was the most important thing to “Y”?

Maybe, it was that “Y” was getting what it was that “Y” wanted from someone else or many people and “Y’s” parent(s) were no longer needed or wanted?

It might have been that “Y” in all of their mighty intelligence, believed their own created or manufactured pasts?

As for “a”, “b” and “d” were quite content in living their little lives as children and grandparent(s) weren’t part of their world so, why wonder or need them?

However, what is known is that “Y” had unceremoniously dumped people because of “U” or because they were no longer thought to be of need to “Y”.  “Y” did indeed have their own mind and ability to think.  No one, including “U” or anyone else had removed “Y’s” brain matter in any sort of fashion or via a lobotomy.  “Y” still retained the ability to think and if there were to have been any sort of intelligence within “Y’s” capabilities, “Y” still possessed it.  It’s simply that “Y” had chosen something else, including “U” to focus on instead.

Should “Y’s” parent(s) or sibling(s) shrivel up and die now because “Y” has chosen “U” or several other things?  Are they useless as people now because so much effort, time and energy had been put into “Y” that it was all wasted?  Is it necessary or even wise for “Y’s” parent(s) to concentrate upon “Y’s” choice or lack of good judgement?  More importantly, is it fruitful for “Y’s” parent(s) or family to forever grieve and constantly ask themselves that tiny little question of “why”?

Feelings are feelings but, they are wrought by hurt and the belief that “Y” is being coerced by so-and-so or, is being swayed and simply doesn’t comprehend for self what “Y” is doing to “Y’s” parent(s) in their elder years.

Reality is, “Y” has made this choice via “Y’s” falsely concocted belief systems, a lack of use for family and, or because “Y” doesn’t need them for anything at this time.

What about “b”, “c” and “d” though?

They are also victims of “Y’s” choices and will be because they are young and don’t know the difference yet.  They believe “Y’s” stories and why shouldn’t they?  “Y” is (at the moment) their parent.

What’s the irony of all of this?  “Y” may end up with “b”, “c” and, or “d” making the same choices that “Y” had made with parent(s) as “Y” has done.  “Y” will have to sit back and wonder what happened there too and be feeling what “Y’s” parent(s) did.

Or, maybe, just maybe, this entire trend or fad of estrangement will have ended for all concerned, including parents.  Let’s hope.

Try sending your messages as a parent or parents to those who will separate families and STOP hiding in silence or anonymity over your “Y”.  It only brews and delays recovery.  Speak up and out, please.  Don’t let the authority figures get away with promoting more crud and whatever you do, believe that your “Y” was given half a brain of their own to think with.

Be well,

Love and Light!


Published by ponderinglifetoo

I'm a wife, mother, artist, photographer and bookkeeper. I love writing out my thoughts in journals but, am finding my way to sharing these with others now.

2 thoughts on “Grey Matter Still Works During Estrangement

  1. >“Y” grew up in a household where the usual things happened within it. Mother, father, perhaps, divorce and whatever else happened. “Y” was possibly given a spanking or so when “Y” was little or “Y’s” mother/father uttered those famous words, “stop being so silly/stupid/crazy”. *GASP* said with a chuckle.

    So, “Y” grew up physically abused and emotionally belittled by their parents, specifically abused by their mother and neglected by their father, with all of their legitimate pain being dismissed “with a chuckle” by the parent in question. Then, when they find other people with which they bond (friends, partners, therapists, etc.) who help them realize that their pain is real and valid and should not be dismissed, despite the attempts of their parents (re: mother) to control and dictate their life to shape their (her) own narrative, we should… what?

    -Side with the controlling, obviously abusive mother?

    -Condemn “Y” for enjoying their hard-won freedom?

    Is this meant to be an IQ test? Because the right choice is clear, no matter how hard you cloak it in self-interest and shallow ego-boosting. “Y” is fully justified, and their parents are fully condemned, full stop. If I’m mistaken, please publish this and let me know.


    1. Heather, “Y” is a CONGLOMERATION of different stories that have been told to me. You are WRONG. :). Thanks for your rather lengthy analysis though. Let us all know when your psychology residency is done to make such an analysis on this piecemeal, person. :).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: