It’s not that I have all good days and am completely over it but, estrangement is much like a punishment to parents by their offspring.
I’ve spent my fair time in grieving over a lost child-turned adult. She’s clearly allowing herself to espouse the unnatural and unhealthy thinking that has infected so many people out there. Be it a drug, influencer, net related articles, because they can do so financially, a trend, a fad, or all of the aforementioned or other reasons, the reality is that children-turned adult are doing this type of thing at an alarming rate.
That is not the fault of the parents a good percentage of the time. How do I know this? I know this because there are those who have estranged themselves with no abuse or neglect having been done to them while those who have been truly abused and are of the same generations and been abused/neglected, are still around their parents.
Does that mean that those who have estranged for reasons other than abuse are calling those who stay around their parents in spite of abuse and whatever other reasons one can come up with, “stupid”? Yes and no. Part of that is because the ones who estrange themselves from family, former friends, pasts etc., are feeling somewhat smug about what they’ve done. They have rehearsed in their heads, their reasonings and really and truly don’t care about anyone else or if those who stay do so. However, they will try to convince others to estrange as well if they can because that’s how they deal with what they have written for themselves. It’s not being alone in what they’ve done that the estranged want if they have any concerns at all about others.
Sadly, a lot of estranged adults without true abuse by parents have or are working things up in their own minds so much that they have come to believe all of the garbage that they or someone else has done for them. It really doesn’t matter to them what anyone else thinks or feels because they’re only concerned about themselves. Yes, they will try to get others to see a way to estrange if they can do so but, in all honesty, they truly feel that they have been wronged by parents and others and therefore, will use that criteria or justifications to get what it is that they want.
Not many of them will even read this far into this piece and yet, they will be itching to scream out with “narcissist” or “controller” or even “toxic” at what is said here. Why? Could it be because they, themselves are about as narcissistic as well as attempted control and toxic to others as they come? In other words, they are projecting what it is that they feel onto others so as not to take any accountability for much, if anything at all. It’s up to you to answer that question for yourselves.
Can a parent reverse that process in their estranged adult and bring them back?
The answer to that is going to vary greatly but in generality, one can come to the conclusion that one can lead a horse to water but, they cannot make them drink.
Unless an estranged adult wants to see things as they really were or are and not some fabricated set of gripes or criteria, there’s not anything that a parent truly can do. If one has reached out and tried both lovingly and harshly with realities, then there is nothing left for parents to do or say. That horse isn’t going to drink water no matter how much coaxing one were to do. As a matter of fact, it will only make them back up from that water hole more and become more stubborn.
My Estranged Adult wants me to change but, I can’t see how
In all focus, it’s not the parent generally that needs to change if there’s been no abuse. It’s the idea that the adult child needs to recognize that their influencers aren’t right nor, will the necessarily be there for them forever. It’s also the idea that a lot of adult children who have estranged themselves are under the misguided and incorrect idea that they 1) didn’t ask to be born, 2) parents OWE them or they owe parents nothing because they were born, 3) giving parents that they’ve estranged from a text message on holidays mean nothing to the parent(s), 4) after having walked away from family and even possibly friends, there’s something for them to change, not their parents, 5) most drugs of any kind, bring about hallucinations, not “facts” as influencers want them to believe or the drugs themselves affect their thinking to believe, 6) their influencers are lying to them and cannot or will not keep up their pleasing ways to keep them around or sell them a line of bull until the next time that there are complaints or it’s needed 7) most influencers have their own agendas, reasons and ulterior motives. There are influencers somewhere behind this act of estrangement whether parents want to believe it or not. Enablers come in different forms.
I’ve reached out to my estranged child/children only to be met with hostility…what do I do now?
If you’re like most parents of estranged adults, you’ve done the circuit of trials. You’ve done the “I love you’s” and perhaps, even gotten them in return. You’ve told them that your door is always open to them as therapists have advised with little to no training behind them and even well-meaning but, doing the opposite to what is hoped for as it’s an easy way to get off the topic while still believing the old societal, “uh boy…you must have done something wrong” ideas. Parents are therefore left with the idea that the way to go is to blame self, listen to their adults who have estranged and turn themselves inside out like a set of sweaters to suit their moods or temperatures while doing, doing and doing some more for them. What happens when the adult changes to want Y instead of X and A, B and C too? Are parents expected to change themselves into whatever the adult wants and when?
How much do you think that someone is going to care how often you tell them that they are loved and the door is always open to them while someone runs out to buy cards for occasions and send them?
Have you tried (I’m sure that you have done so) to tell them that YOU are in trouble and could use some help?
Most parents have been in hospital or in need only to be met by either nothing or convenient (for them of course) responses where there is no follow through or they’ve sent a list of emailed or texted methods and a well wish if that much instead? A lot will find themselves with NO response at all or in being blocked. There’s a reason for that type of either lack of response or a half-assed attempt at it. Guilt or influencers as well as fear of being suckered in are at the crux of their responses or lack of them.
I have tried and tried to no avail and things have only gotten worse. What do I do now?
Give up! I know that it sounds like a “tuck your tail and run” type of attitude but, the reality is that until or unless Estranged Adults want something to change, there is going to be no attempt on their part and frankly, anything that parents try or attempt at this point, only adds to their arsenal. Attempting anything further at this point is akin to taking a can of gasoline and throwing it onto a fire. The more a parent does, the further away they push their adults. Please, please, please, unless you truly have reason to change yourself or you’ve caused issues and can see it in their words or situations, do NOT ever resort to attempting to be what they want you to be if they can even bother to tell you that much. Most estranged adults will give you vague answers like “you know” or “do the research”, “look deep within your heart”, “do the work”, “figure it out” or worse than anything, something along the lines of, “you don’t respect me”. There are a plethora of dilute responses that can and will be spewed out to you but in changing to what you think they want or even what they want at that time if they can spell it out for you, means that you’ll be changing down the road again and even then, they won’t be happy. It will all still be your fault. Not only that but, it could be turned against you with things like “well YOU let it happen” or “you’re so willing to please, what a sad, pathetic person you are” and right on down the line to something like, “you’re a liar” and “you’re faking it”. It never works so, why try it? They want to be away from you so, why bother any further?
That’s my CHILD and I am heart-broken over it all so, I’ll never give up on them or trying
All parents of estranged adults feel that way. It’s bred into us from the time that we either know that a child is due to taking care of them. It’s an instinct that humans have but, is it the right thing to do?
Do the want you to keep on trying? If you’ve been told to leave them alone or been blocked by them or are only receiving text or messages from them on holidays, you may have been told that they don’t WANT you to continue to try with them. In that case, continuing on, no matter what your feelings are, is only pushing them further away. STOP TRYING! Unless you know what it is that both you’ve allegedly done to them and can twist and turn yourself into a pretzel of untrue personality that will change according to their beliefs or you’ve done something to them and can change, you’re wasting not only your time and energy but, theirs as well. You’re trying them and your own patience. While it’s an urge, is it true and are you willing to continue on doing, doing, changing, giving, being fake or whatever you feel that you should be doing or they tell you to do? What if they do it again to you and estrange again (which commonly happens) are you going to try more, harder or become someone that you’re not to please them? Think again before you attempt it because it’s leading to a total game of chasing your tail because that’s what they are essentially doing to themselves or someone else.
My Ex has complete control over them because he/she can and they’ve downplayed me or someone else has done it. I hate my ex!
If you hate your ex, that’s a horse of a different colour. Dislike your ex and make it between the 2 of you. Take one look at an entire generation of adult children who are out at beaches over a holiday and how much they truly care about their parents or other family members. While brave words come out of their mouths and they’re guzzling drinks and food, playing games on the beaches of the southern world, stating that if it’s their time, it’s their time, who are they caring about really? Ask yourself that question. Now, do you really and truly think that they care about your ex or do they care more about money, gifts, things that can be bought or even your spouse’s dirt that they’ve spread falsely about you in order to get back at you? Don’t you believe that it’s possibly time for you and your ex to solve your issues between the 2 of you instead of using the adults as pawns in their hatred against you or vice-versa?
My grandchildren are being with held from me. I want to see my grands!
This idea deserves an entire piece about this topic but, the simple answer to this is that your estranged adult doesn’t want you to be part of their children’s lives? Why? Some of it is belief that whatever “damage” they’ve cooked up within their own minds or had someone else do for them, you’re going to do to their children too. After all, they are the greatest parents on the planet, right? They know best and you’re just “toxic” to everyone around you.
First of all, let’s say one thing here. Your estranged adult’s children are theirs to do with whatever they want. These kids are THEIR property and they are going to do with them whatever they feel works for them. The second thing is that in a lot of cases, these adults who have estranged, know full well that this idea is hurting you and that’s precisely what they want to do…hurt you. The more want that you show them to having your grandchildren in your life, the more that they’re going to see that as your weak spot and withdraw their children even more.
No matter what they want, are doing or believe, they are using their children as “pawns” in a game that they have concocted. Grandparents in most places on this planet, have NO rights but, let’s look at the idea that your grandchildren’s parents are showing them how to deal with situations…withdraw completely. If you don’t think that little minds are taking that in, you’d be wrong. They are and they do swallow it even if they hold it on tap. The first thing that they are going to attempt with your estranged adults if they aren’t getting what they want from them is sadly, estranging from those parents. It’s been taught. As long as your estranged adults are turning sommersaults and there’s a need for their parents to be involved in their lives, they are going to keep them on board. The moment though that these grands can’t get what they need or want out of their parents (your estranged adults), their parents are useless to them and therefore out of their lives too.
Can anyone control what their adults who have estranged think or feel or do? No. One can’t, not even if the parent twists themselves into a plasticine figure which can bend and twist as needed. Remember that YOUR self-esteem and mind will always know the reality behind it all and when you need something, no matter how “good” you think that you’re being, more often than not, you can forget getting help for you. They’re too stuck on themselves and their own reasons.
From my little corner of life to yours, be smart and recognize your limitations both as a person and as a parent. See the reality behind your now adult who has estranged and be honest with yourself about it all. That’s the wise way on dealing with this issue.
Be well, stay well,
Love and Light!