Today would have been my deceased brother’s 62nd birthday. I’ve wished him a happy birthday out of habit. We were close both in age as well as in friends, schools, thoughts and saw each other through so much in life so, it only seemed fitting for me and my husband (his brother-in-law) to wish him the happiest of birthdays.
I know that this birthday was simply a birth onto this planet but, I wanted to acknowledge that lucky day when he was born into this one. He now lives another, I’m certain but, how do I know? I can only hope. Still there are sometimes when I hear him talking to me through my “mind’s eye” as I refuse to let him go and told him so as he was dying. As a matter of fact, I wanted to crawl into his hospital ICU bed with him, telling him that he wasn’t going without me with him. It was our youngest brother whose face kept me here. I honestly didn’t even know how it was that I was going to die but, i wanted to be with him. If I knew then what I know now, I would have made a different decision, I’m sure and, no, this is not Covid-19 talking or depression from it.
There are 12 years difference in age between myself and my youngest brother. I love him dearly and there were 10 years in difference between my deceased brother and my youngest brother. Actually, it was my deceased brother and myself who had a huge hand in raising our youngest brother so, when the now deceased brother was dying, with only about a year and 10 months between us (me, being the eldest), it seemed only natural that I wanted to go with my deceased brother wherever it was that he was going. Still, I had to take care of my youngest brother though he was now a man and not a child.
As Life would have it, my youngest brother had moved about an hour plus away from me, taking with him, my 3 nephews. I love them too with all of my heart. One is now 13 years of age, the other 2 are 17 years and 22 years of age. I love all of them, including my sister-in-law. Sadly though, she wanted to be near her family who all lived up where they reside now and after caring for my younger brother in honour of both myself and our deceased brother, I was shut out by all of them though not totally or completely. Why oh why had I not found a way to leave this planet when my brother closest in age to me did? That question still haunts me and frankly, I wish that I had have.
Today, on June 6, 2020, I’m glad that my deceased brother didn’t have to put up with the pandemic that we’re going through. He’d been there with us all when my father and mother, grandparents and everyone else who’d died, left this planet. For those deaths that he hasn’t been here for, if there’s a life outside of this one, I’m sure that he’s greeted each of them. After all, I asked him to take care of them, show them “the ropes” so to speak while I did the best that I could do with our youngest brother who is now a man.
There’s an entire story behind this that I would love to share but, brevity in space doesn’t permit me to do that. Suffice it to say that a lot has happened since my brother who is deceased left this earthly existence and none of it has been nice to say the least. Yet, I know with all that’s in me, though I honoured him in the only way that I knew how to do it, he would have been around for me, making me laugh until I nearly pee’d my pants. I kid you not.
Today however, has already been attrocious as we near only half way through it or so. Out of all of the women that my brother married or lived with, I will say that the one girlfriend that I absolutely hated, has contacted me. I could almost hear my deceased brother’s laughter as I saw her message to me. He must have gotten quite a kick out of the swear words that I let out upon hearing and seeing her message and the fact that in spite of them never being married, she’d taken on our last name. Why? I don’t know but, I can tell you that it has done quite the number on my head and heart. Another woman that my brother dated when we were in our teens or so, had already contacted me through some gawd known why way, waiting for my deceased brother to respond in some way. When I called her and told her that he’d become deceased, she has stopped contacting me. I knew that would happen as we only knew OF each other, we didn’t really know one another. I could hear my deceased brother laughing at that too.
With my daughter estranged from everyone from her past, my youngest brother and his wife having moved far away with little to do with us in spite of a lot of help having gone out to him, drugs being in my daughter’s life, along with a moron and mentally unhealthy person who has caused her to become that way as well, my nephews and even nieces from my husband’s side of the family also living 1 hour in the other direction from my brother, my youngest brother’s kids or my nephews not bothering with anyone except friends or themselves and so much more, let it be said that today heralds a day in which there is some message. When I’ve figured it out, I will post that story.
From my little corner of life to yours, while the one brother that I could always count on in some way or another has deceased, he has not let himself go unnoticed and he’s seemingly taken great delight in letting me know that he still is playing his pranks on me. Tell someone close to you today that you love them. While it may not make any difference in what they do or why, it will make a difference to you.
Happy Birthday, Ray’m!
Your Big Sis!
XO XO XO