When someone else blames you for their issues within their lives or themselves, it likely isn’t about you or anything that you’ve done. It’s out of your control. That’s likely because it has more to do with them and their choices or lack of them in Life.
Yes, they can blame you or anyone else for that matter. They can dream up things, attempt to lie to themselves or others and perhaps, be convincing about it all but, the truth is that they have to face themselves, sooner or later. Others don’t care or at the least, unless they are party to their choices, they truly won’t give a darn for much time anyway. Worse than that, people who do this type of thing or those traits aren’t going to go away simply because they’ve blamed them (whatever they may be) on you. This is especially true if you have no part in their lives because that’s the way that they wanted it and you have abided by their wishes. Sooner or later, they will only have themselves to deal with if you aren’t party to anything. Anything that goes wrong in their lives is therefore, someone else’s faults if that’s what they are choosing to do. Remember or keep in mind that no matter what you feel or don’t feel, how badly you may feel for them or how angry you may be, it’s their issues, their wishes and if they have walked out of your life and you haven’t beaten them or neglected them, they will have to deal with the outcome internally in one way or another. Whether it’s outright or inwardly, they are the ones who have made those choices whether they tell you or others that they had to do it because you are (fill in the blanks).
By now, you’ve likely recognized that I’m mainly talking about estrangement here and the issues that go along with it all. Unless you were a truly “evil” person who loves the idea of controlling others or making them bow down to you, in spite of what they want to tell each other, others or their spouses, siblings and family or friends, there is no reason for them to walk off as they have done.
If there was true abuse and I mean that they have stories that you know to be true of beatings, mentally and emotionally or you were neglectful in big ways, they are going to meet with many others who are going to “abuse them” as they would try to say that they were. What about their bosses, spouses, friends or others in their lives, including perhaps, children of theirs? Are they going to say that everyone is “evil” and has abused them too? Who are they to be so downtrodden or are they the “abuser”? Think about those things. In the meanwhile, there are things that we can keep in mind as parents.
- When your adult child estranged it’s rarely over you or anything that they claim that you’ve done and it’s never usually about the final “blow-up”.
- Adults who estrange themselves, do so because they want you or others to do something for them even if that’s to change yourself.
- They rarely ever want what they proclaim to want you to do or be. Even if you were to be able to be who they say that they want, that idea will change over and over and over again in most cases. It’s like playing a game of “Whack-a-mole” at a fair. You can’t win. They don’t want you to.
- If you want them back again, they have to want it too. Give up trying to win them back. I know this is contrary to what’s been said by others who are out to sell you books, cd’s, sessions or something. Have you ever noticed the number of “doctors” who are on YouTube for instance? Haven’t you wondered why a so-called “successful” doctor would want the pittance that YouTube/Google pays them to do these videos? What about how “busy” they should be if they’re that good a “doctor”? I’m sure that many of you have done your homework to find doctors galore with “merch” to sell online or other payable accounts somewhere. That’s because many of them aren’t doing so well and that’s because they are out to sell to the marketing age groups of 18 to 49 years of age. They aren’t out to help truly. They’ve got it in mind to sell, sell, sell.
- Once our adults reach adulthood, as much as we, as parents, want to save them from hurt or the world, we can’t do it. Like everyone else, they are going to have to face Life and all that’s part of it. That means, bills, raising children, nights up with lost sleep and everything that you’ve had to go through to some extent or another. They are not about to get away without it all unless they are so into themselves or “narcissistic” as they’d call parents that they don’t even know. If they’re demanding with others in their lives, they are going to find Life a bit more than difficult once you’ve laid off of them. Try it and see.
- If you’ve already stopped chasing them, begging them or whatever, at some point, though we, as parents may feel at first as though we’re losing out on something, they are the biggest losers and will have to figure it out for themselves. They will. One way or another, they will and we don’t have to leave this planet for them to do it.
- Yes, it’s a shame for those of us who have uttered, “but, I’m alone”. No one says that it’s easy. We can cry and mourn their losses and be justified in doing so but, remember that their Lives aren’t as peachy as what they portray it to be either. It doesn’t matter that you’ve potentially seen or heard that they’re doing well. They can show it any way that they want but, it’s only a snapshot of what they face within themselves when no one is around.
- Throwing a “funeral” or “memorial” of sorts for them is fitting. Why? It’s because they usually aren’t ever coming back into your life as they were. Therefore, it’s only realistic for anyone who wants to do so to throw a funeral or memorial for the adult that you knew. Time doesn’t go backwards and we, as parents, can’t get back the same person who left us. Even if that’s only been a few months or weeks, we will never be the same people, feel the same about them or they can’t be the same person who walked out that door. Those adults are gone.
- If you have Grandchildren who you’ve been kept from seeing, remember that they will one day, ask about you. It may for some, be sooner rather than later but, a lot of estranged adults will keep the realities behind it all away from their offspring. It’s not going to sound good to that child especially if they have known about you or known you, yourself. I know one person who had estranged herself from her father, keeping her children from him with lies about him. The children were not only shocked to find out that they did have a grand alive but, they were mad at their mother for keeping them from him and hidden.
- Also remember that adults who both estrange themselves from their parents and even families or friends or all 3 in my case, are teaching both themselves as well as their possible children (if there are any), how to treat other people. It’s an “I don’t like it so, I had to get out of it” type of thing. How many times can they not like something happening and they walk away? If they can work things out with that person, why didn’t they try with you? They are teaching their own children to do the same. Walk away whenever something isn’t liked by them and that could mean that their own children will walk away from them. Estranged adults have taught their children to do so no matter what their excuses sound like or are.
What this is all really saying is that you, as the parent(s) don’t have to punish them or cry or whatever it is that you’re doing to yourself. They aren’t doing this to us anymore. They’ve done it to themselves and are continuing to do so.
From my little corner of life to yours, there are going to be good days and bad days. We’ve ALL had far too much time to think with this pandemic but, that doesn’t mean that they are or have been right. If you know that you haven’t done anything “evil” to them, remember that you weren’t a perfect person or parent. None of us were and reality says that neither are they or will they be.
Be well, stay well, stay safe…we WILL get through this!
Love and Light!