So…you think that you wish to estrange yourself from your family/parents/friend(s)? Think before you do it, please.
***By all means, IF there has been TRUE abuse (not made up by you or someone else to justify your own wishes to estrange yourself or of their own wishes) then perhaps, you may wish to estrange yourself. Check with a proper therapist before you do though.***
Abuse is where I think that everyone is getting caught up, along with labels that are being stamped onto foreheads. “Toxic”, “Narcissist” and such are given out by TRUE DSM testing and psychologists/psychiatrists. They are NOT net prescribed nor are they for you to deliver to anyone especially if you don’t know the person or their lives in spite of what you think you know. Ok? Ok!
Going a bit further, since most people tend to buy “How To Estrange” people and doctors, therapists and such so readily, let me give you one for free.
If you wish to estrange from your family, parents or friend(s) be sure of a few things first and before you do.
Be sure that you’re estranging for the right reasons. Do NOT go by anyone else and don’t make up things within your mind or that possibly happened once or twice. You’d be wrong to do so.
Make sure that the person you are listening to, has their own lives and relationships in order and for the right reasons. If they don’t or aren’t in line with whatever it is that you think about your parents/family/friend(s) could be because they, themselves have an agenda and will let you down eventually too. What then? If you think that you’ll get along without this person or your family…best of wishes to you.
What will you feel or do when the person(s) that you’ve estranged yourself from wants nothing to do with you or they die (heaven forbid)? If you think that you’ll be joyful, think again. There are plenty of people who feel that they would be better off without (fill in the blanks) as part of their lives forever only to wish that they had that person back in their lives in some way or another.
If you think that what was said in the above paragraphs is full of bull and believe that you’ll be fine….think again about it all. Life can hand out some pretty nasty things and you may need someone who you’ve cut out of your life to help you through. What if you’ve thrown them away? Have you thrown the baby out with the bathwater? If so…why have you done so? Think about those reasons and ensure that they are solid, of your own mind and not someone else’s (the influencer’s mind).
People’s feelings and lives are on the line here. Be SURE that you NEVER wish to have part of them ever again. Remember that what you feel right now may NOT be how you feel as you go along Life. Worse than that is that if you feel that #3 is full of bull and you’re going to feel fine if something were to happen and they were never part of your life again, think on it some more first.
NO parent isn’t a person first, complete with life experiences, pasts etc.. They may be parents but they do NOT owe you anything! It’s contrary to say, “but you had me so you owe me and I want things my way. My brain is developing so you owe me.” If your brain is just developing, how is it that you have the mind and capability to make such a dangerous decision?
Abuse does NOT mean that your parents won’t allow you to do as you please. Nor, does it mean that you can walk off into the sunset, never seeing or talking to that person(s) ever again. They may have moved on or worse, died if you need them or want them again. Never say “never” when it comes to people and needing them. Remember that you may be surprised by what an “influence” or your want/wish to do something may bring to you down the road. Think about it long and hard before you wander off permanently on them. A card on special occasions isn’t enough to do neither is a text or email. It’s a beginning as long as you follow up with a face to face talk through.
Give solid reasons as to why you’re estranging. This is an important step that MUST be thought through extremely carefully. You’d need to give actual reasons and not made up stuff by your own mind or someone else’s. Give point by point reasons that are TRUE. Not made up reasons or vague. If you can walk off on someone, you have to have reasons concretely from your own mind or memories. Those you walk off on have remembrances of incidents too so, giving them from someone else’s thoughts or faked or false or whatever will be seen through quite quickly. Remember this point well.
If you think that your parents or other family members have done you dirt, remember that others who either will be or are already in your life will too. What then? Do you walk away from them too or do you put up with it all? Could your expectations of those you have walked away from be correct? Are you that wise? Have you had experience in your life? Isn’t that a double standard to those you’ve walked off on? Do you do this to anyone and everyone whom you don’t like or do you put up with it because you wish to?
Addictions or usage of any substances that makes you feel good doesn’t cut the mustard for most other people. If you feel “good”, so what? Others are or could be hurting. Be SURE that your reasonings are about your reasons and not those coming from that substance or someone else. Feeling GOOD doesn’t mean that you cut off everyone who doesn’t fit with YOUR (other someone else’s) criteria. Otherwise, you’d be alone and with no job or other means to support yourself. Bosses can be more nasty than those you’ve cut off.
Back to “abuse”.
If you think that anyone is going to agree with you 100% of the time, that’s falsely assuming that someone is abusive to you. No one is going to agree with you all of the time. Not even that person that you’ve left for will. At some point or another, they are going to disagree with you or even physically hit you or whatever it is. Ask yourself if you are being manipulated by that person or a boss or whatever. It is likely that you are.
Abuse is not simply something that is done a few times but represented by everything that they do and often will involve the other person. Physical abuse is one thing, mental and emotional abuse has to be defined properly because everyone, including that substance that you’re so used to calming you down will turn on you at some point or another. Nothing and no one isn’t fallible. Remember that parents or family or friend(s) are human too and guess what? You aren’t special. You are a person too who will come to the realization one day that you are.
Parents/family/friend(s) are people. No one, not even you, are perfect nor do you hold the keys to being the only one or the person you are with, being the only one who is livable with. There are plenty of others too. By them giving you praise, checking up on you with text or calls or whatever it is that they do with any regularity does NOT mean that they care about you. It could be that they want you in their lives because they cannot make it on their own, they are mentally unhealthy, they have blown all of their other contacts/relationships and need you and plainly or simply, you are being manipulated or played. Parents, family, friends aren’t the only ones (at least in your mind).
By the way, if you are taking the word of a doctor or psychologist or other therapist, remember that they have had little to no training in your decision to estrange and MAY give you a reason that you’ve taken out of context on which to justify your decision. They likely, had you not taken it out of context, would have gone further with it.
If after all of this, you still want or wish to estrange yourself from others who were part of your life, do so but trust that there could come a day or time when you wish them to be part of your life again in some way and they’re not going to be there for you.
Whatever you do, make sure that you are truly and the term, TRULY does apply here, mean that you wish to have it this way forever because there may not be another chance ever for you to go backwards.
Best wishes, stay well!