****Please note: My FILTERS catch most comments that are nasty so if you have something to say, say it nicely or don’t say it at all. I will NOT publish those who have nasty things to say, say it crudely and lewdly (yes, look that word up if you need to do so) or anything of the sort. And, yes…I do NOT look at comments that have gone to trash or even every day so, don’t go spouting off as this is about parents/grandparents and NOT estranged adults. Be warned!*****
Why is it that a majority of “Adults Who Have Estranged” only do so when they can do it or because someone else has influenced them into estranging or they can afford to do so?
If you were allegedly so “bad” to your child, why is it that they mostly have waited until they could do it while others are still around their parents, family and friends who have been less than stellar in their behaviours? Never mind whatever it is that they allege you’ve done or not done as a parent, look back at their younger years and why it is that if you’ve been as abusive to them they haven’t left before they could?
Usually, it’s taken someone else to stir the pot so to speak and give them reasons as well as money. Oftentimes, they, themselves have either cut ties with their own families or friends or they wish to keep control over your “EAC” and you are their target because you are perhaps, what’s considered a “threat” to them and their grasp on your “EAC”.
To some parents, it will come as a complete surprise that these EAC’s have done the act and a lot of parents don’t know why they’ve done so. Even when they’ve asked for an explanation and been given one that a parent knows never happened, there is doubt left behind by the EAC. The reason may be because the EAC doesn’t truly know and it’s easier to blame parents than their own failings or issues as an adult. They find it easier to blame the parent/grandparent or family members or whatever and so do their “influencers”.
Ask yourself one simple question in this event.
“Was I that bad or my EAC’s father that they only just did it or needed it pointed out to them? How bad was I really for them or that of family, friends and perhaps, even service providers?”
If your answer is a shrug of the shoulders because you don’t truly know as I’ve said before, then look WAY back at your now adult child’s life, personality, previous experiences with them, where they are now and when it happened. Do you see a pattern here? If you can say within yourself that you have done everything you could as a parent/grandparent then it’s a question of “why now?” “What’s changed”?
Oh yes, I get all types of responses from all sorts of EAC’s that are nasty/angry in nature. However, I don’t let it stop me from saying what I want to say or doing what I wish to do. Some are so fraught with anger and denial that it’s quite easy to see that they’ve been influenced or have an agenda and it’s not me and it’s not you. It’s them. That’s assuming that there’s been no true abuse or neglect. What they consider as abuse or neglect is either of their own making in their minds, personalities, pasts or from excuses given by someone who has influenced them. Remember too that there are books and entire videos or courses on “How To Estrange”. There are people out to make money off of anything that they can and your Adult Child has fallen for it all. It’s a “trend” that’s been going on and on and on.
In the case of an “influencer”, there is likely an agenda of “control” that’s going on within this person and if your now adult child sees a chance to live or be comfortable with this person’s excuses, they are going to go wherever they can go and whenever.
Can you get them to feel differently? No. They have to want to do it on their own. If they don’t, do you really want them around you “as is” so to speak? Can you get them back to the way that they were? NO! Are you the person that you once were as well? NO! As I’ve said before, one can “forgive” but one cannot ever “forget”, right?
I’ve been writing this blog for well over 9 years now and I can say with all of the research and experiences as well as therapists galore that from my little corner of life to yours, look back at your EAC especially their personalities and who they are with now. It may net you some sort of “peace” about yourself as a parent. Sometimes it’s just a trend. Other times it’s because they can do so now. Still at second glance, it’s an “influencer’s agenda” that causes more problems than it’s worth.
Look back and you may find answers. The more you do so, you may find that your estranged adult(s) have weaknesses…not you!
Love and Light.