It’s hard for parents who are alone to operate during this pandemic, let alone with adults who have estranged to not be around. That’s the way the cookie crumbles so to speak but let’s remember one thing as we all celebrate yet another Mother’s Day, alone especially if there is no one that we can be with and there are no other “mothers” in our lives.
How do we do that though?
No one is saying that it’s easy and many estranged adults will point their fingers accusingly at their parent(s) either calling us all names or telling us that we’re abusive, toxic, narcissists or in making false assumptions about us. Never let that stop you from realizing a few things.
- You’ve brought and raised a child to adulthood. They are now adults so we, as parents, did raise them to become adults. Let them say whatever they want. The truth is in the “pudding” in other words.
- No matter what you or others think, if you didn’t hit them (other than a spanking while they were very young and therefore, couldn’t understand any other way or have called them down and “broken their spirits” or put them into harm’s way for your own purposes…then, you’ve raised them and to heck with those who will try to tell us all otherwise.)
- Celebrate being a mother. That’s right, celebrate it because they are adults now and it is their choices not to be around us or they are waiting for us to change into something that they want us to be. You’ve done the work, be thankful that they are somewhere in Life now that they’ve chosen to be and STOP taking on blame with their pointed, accusing fingers and poor assumptions or having coloured every parent with the same crayons. You were a mother. Celebrate that fact and wish your adult child well but also wish yourself well too.
- No child came with some type of manual or “trouble shooting” guides nor, did they come with technicians (“the experts”). You’ve done the best that you knew how. It may have been your upbringing or as in my case, totally different than how you were raised for obvious reasons. No parent, no matter what they think or feel, has the holy grail to parenting nor do they hold the keys to it…no matter what they feel or think. Nobody!
- You’ve learned a lot by being a parent. Learning how to go without yourself, giving of your time and energy, hope, sleep and so much more was worth it. Whether they want to believe it or not, whether they can even comprehend what you’ve done for them and with them, is none of your fault but, rather theirs. If they’ve given some half-baked “remembrance” of how you were as a parent or whether they’ve accused you of something that you’ve allegedly done by their memories or whether they’ve slapped labels onto foreheads or even blamed you for being “rotten” to them, again, that’s their problem, not yours.
- They are going to change 20X’s over and are we, as parents, at our ages supposed to change every time that they do? No! That would be wrong of us to do. Not only is it not us and who we are as people but we’ve had different experiences in Life and we’re not going to go changing every time that they want us to or they change, right?
- What suits them today, may not suit them tomorrow in other words. Why try to be what they want us to be? Just as they have changed their minds 20 times over as Life wallops them or teaches them, parents aren’t going to be able to change. That’s something that they can’t get through their minds. As a matter of fact, a number of them or most, don’t want any contact with you so, why try?
- Ok, so you left the husband who was abusive to you or you’ve divorced their father. So, what? They didn’t live your life nor did they have the experiences with this person that you’ve had. If they’ve kept you from grandchildren or their children, you’re going to have to assume that it’s done as well for now but what does strike most of these adults at some point or another is that the parent who was considered “the lesser of the evils” or the one who offers them the most, is the one that they are going to stick with if any parent. Sadly, what they may not realize that is possibly happening is that the parent who is considered part of their lives, oftentimes is the same one who will bad-mouth you or call you names and use them (the EAC) as “pawns” to get back at you. Let them do it. You can’t change it anyway, so why try? That parent will hang themselves sooner or later or your child(ren) will come to know that much as time goes on anyway if they care to know. No parent can have money forever or stay sane or even be alive. What then?
- The estranged who come into this forum, whether someone else sent it to them or not, makes no difference. They read it and some have even tried to comment. My filters pick up the nasty comments and deletes them.
- Celebrate being a mother even if by yourself as I am. You’ve been through perhaps, the morning sickness, your body changing, the stretch marks, the painful births, the long hours of worrying about them, the torture of them being sick and so much more. Only you know what you’ve done for them but celebrate it even if it’s only a moment’s worth of time that you do it in.
I could go on and on but from my little corner of life to yours, you’ve done it and pat yourself on the back for having done it as well as being here to read about it all. Parents are parents and the EAC’s if not abused even though a lot of them will remember it as such, were raised to be healthy adults. Because someone came into their lives who has influenced them or because their own minds have done so, matters not. It bears marking that you’re the one who deserves the applause even if they don’t think so right now. Give yourself what you can and deserve, even if it’s picking flowers and putting them into a vase or container on your table somewhere or dresser.
***DISCLAIMER: If you are estranged from your parent(s), please note that if you are the recipient of TRUE abuse or think that you are or have been…this is NOT the place for you to be nor the topic for you to be reading. Please do NOT leave a comment about how abused you were. No one wants to hear it. Go somewhere else to find out whatever you need to know or talk about. There are plenty of places for you to be. Do NOT and I repeat…do NOT call other parents down as this is the place for them to be or me. If you are going to put down anyone, look at your own life and what you’re putting up with from a plethora of people, including bosses, coworkers or even spouses, girlfriends or boyfriends. I can assure you that not only will your comment NOT be published but you are not alone in being “abused” rightfully or not. And if you’re reading this…you’ve still got GUILT!****